Because some of my brothers and sisters in Christ get very uptight at Halloween, I thought it would be helpful for us to include a few guidelines on “redeeming” the holiday. These should help even the biggest fundamentalist not to accidentally worship the devil on Halloween. So here goes:
- Do not actually become a witch, warlock, or necromancer, no matter how tempted you might be. You will ultimately be disappointed if you do, because witches and warlocks and necromancers do not actually wear pointy hats, have green faces, or fly on brooms. Well, I haven’t actually met a necromancer so I cannot say for sure about them.
- If a kid asks you for candy, you have to give it to him or you are kind of a jerk. It is always okay to give children candy as long as parents allow it. Even if they are dressed as zombies. Zombies are actually not products of nefarious black magics, by they way, it is a kind of disease. Probably unleashed because of sin and depravity. Just give the kid some candy, okay?
- Be nice to your neighbors. If a neighbor shows up at your door, and you act like you aren’t home because you are afraid their paganism will rub off on you, then you are kind of a dummy. Also, you are acting superstitious, which is worse than dressing up like a fake vampire.
- If teenagers show up trying to get candy, only give it to them if they have a good costume. You have to up your cosplay as you get older. For example, if a 17 year old is going to rock the Captain America costume, it had better look like this. A guy works that hard, he gets the Halloween candy. I salute you, Captain!
- If your child wants to dress up like a honeybee, or a Power Ranger, or perhaps the dude with the beard from “Don’t Starve”, just do it okay?! Your kids are the cutest things EVER!
- If you give out Twix, Snickers, or Twizzlers, you are most definitely doing a good work that is pleasing to the Lord. Seriously, I thank you.
- If you absolutely have to, you can dress up like Martin Luther for Reformation Day and go tape, not nail, your anti-Halloween theses to people’s doors. It would be kind of funny, if you aren’t a jerk. Also, they might give you some candy.
That’s all I have for now. You may add more in the comments. Have a good time with your neighbors tonight!