God Can Go To Hell

I have been attempting to do theology in the public domain, on my Facebook page for two years, and now here on Patheos for five months. After all that is what being a public theologian is about (and you can now earn advanced degrees in ‘public theology’). From time to time someone comes on and says that we, who proclaim a Loving God, are going to bear the unforgivable burden of knowing that people went to hell because they listened to the message that God is love. Sometimes they say that I too will burn in hell for not speaking the truth: namely, that Hell exists, that God will fry people forever and that this is justice, righteousness and holiness.

Let’s say that is all true. Let’s pretend that this Janus-faced, psychologically challenged, socially inept and elitist divinity exists. So I say to those who hold to this rather strange ‘good news’ (and what is really good about it?), if I die and it is your God that exists I am going to say,

“Excuse me Lord. Permission to speak freely Sir?”

“Thank you.”

“I am sure that you are about to execute a horrible sentence on me. Before you do I would like Your Honor to understand my perspective on this.

First, O Righteous God, whose righteousness is pure, impartial and always fair, if you were trying to look like Jesus you failed miserably. His life and values were so different from yours; it is hard to even fathom how you would deny those who embraced Him. If you were trying to ‘incarnate’ yourself, you failed , really, because you didn’t want to get your pretty hair dirty. You just couldn’t go all the way into the muck and slime of that which you created.

I never figured you for a Gnostic. But there you have it, I was wrong.

But you were more wrong. You O God, carry the sole responsibility for this your creation. If we have failed it is either because you didn’t try hard enough to seriously love and care for the whole thing you made, lock, stock and barrel or you are masochist beyond all imagination.”

“Scuse me, Your Honor? May I ask a question? Well, I was talking to some angels over there, and, well, is it true you let the Marquis de Sade in? Just curious is all.”

“I see, yes, get on with it, there is a rather long line behind me isn’t there?”

“Second, That Bible thing? You really screwed the pooch on that one.

Yes Your Honor. Sorry Your Honor.

Second, Grand Glorious One, you didn’t control the copyists very well did you. I mean why superintend every dang word, every Hebrew vowel, jot and title, every Greek idiom and sometimes even bad syntax, and then fail to make sure the dang thing got copied correctly. I mean I know you threatened some kind of hellfire through the Revelator who says not to add or subtract one single word.

And what comes down to us? All manner of manuscripts no two of which are alike. Even those of John’s Apocalypse.

Third, People said you superintended the canonical process. If they were right you sure did a lousy job of it. The Apocrypha? Seriously? And the Septuagint? Man, you really let things get out of hand there. I mean, which text were we to follow?”

“What do you mean you kind of like that King James crowd? That ain’t fair.”

“My point Your Illustrious Holiness is that you made the Bible so complex it was truly impossible to believe those who said it was really simple. I mean it! Think about it, you left us with a mess. It took us 300 years just to get you all figured out and even then we weren’t all on the same page. And you are going to fry people forever who failed the theological exam?

You, O Majestic Mystery, have been the greatest failure of all. You deceived us. You told us to think of you as love. And we made you look much better than you really are. We could have told people about the ‘real’ you. How miserable you are in your righteousness and holiness, always getting pissed off about something we humans are doing. But we thought better of you.

By the way. Remember Katrina?

Well, you blew that one. The Ninth Ward where all the churches and the black communities dwelt were wiped out. The French Quarter where all the sin takes place? No long term damage. And what, was that tsunami about?

I made the mistake of believing you when you said to ‘Listen to your son.’

I did. I really took Jesus seriously, as seriously as one can take.

And look where it has gotten me. Standing here next to you with your finger hovering over the REJECT button.

If you are going to send me to hell forever for believing better about you than you really are, go right ahead. It will always and eternally prick at your conscience that I conceived of a better god than you are.

And in the name of all that is holy, right, just, fair, impartial and true, namely Yourself, Your Honor, I hereby declare in the presence of all the Angels and the holy Ones, ‘God must damn God’s self, for God, the Most High, has failed Himself when He failed us.’”

So c’mon God…You first…