The many faces of the ourselves are often the same faces that we see in the Gods; complex, layered and distinct. It is with this understanding that I know that my ability to completely understand myself is just as complicated, if not impossible, as the ability to completely understand divinity. To think that I know all of myself is somewhat ridiculous and ego filled.
So who am I? I ask myself this question all the time. Sometimes I feel I know the answer and other times I question whether or not it is possible to comprehend the infinite possibilities of who I might be. My recent travels have given me a lot of opportunity to meet others and get glimpses of how others might see me; different than how I often see myself.
How one is viewed by others is not always the way that a person views him or herself; I think this is the case for me many times. In contemplating the many faces and versions of myself, I like to think that I am transparent with others but I do not know this to be the case. The depth of who I am can be unknowing to myself as well as others. Interesting to think that there could be more to me, many reflections of myself, that are even hard for me to see. How does anyone possibly know who they are? How does anyone truly understand the Gods?
These questions are the ones that have no answers, the questions that are too large to understand on a level that is simple and sane. It reminds me of a quote that Dr. Alan Wolf said in the movie What The Bleep Do We Know when he said something to the effect of “asking someone what God is, is like asking a fish what the water is in which they swim”. I find that fascinating because it rings true to me. The same people who imply that they know the totality of the Gods are the same people who have a incredible sized ego and think they know the totality of themselves as well.
I do not know the whole picture of the God or Goddess and do not pretend to have the capability of understanding all there is to know. I also do not think that I know all of myself, there is so much more to me than I can comprehend. This is how I explain the concept that others see in me things that I do not see of myself. I am the same person no matter who is looking and yet we all see something a little different.
What I do know about who I am includes the knowing that I am a person of great spirit, one who has always felt a calling to service and one who has always felt compelled to carve out her path. I know that I have a fierceness about me that comes out in different moments, often when it comes to injustices and protecting my children. I have a heart that often cares for others before it cares for me, it is the ultimate sacrifice to have a heart that labors for others first. I recognize that I have fears that can overtake my sense of reality and leaves me self conscious and uncertain. Usually this fear evolves around my uncertainty of my skills and the importance of my being. I also know that I am a professional in some areas and yet I always question myself and my actions. And if you didn’t know, I too have a temper that can temporarily suspend my ability to process and work the hinges of my jaw before I realize what has come out.
I can heal and I can destroy, much like I see my Goddess. The healing waters of Yemaya have the ability to cleanse or reign the power of destruction depending on the tide. I have much to learn about how to channel the power of the water in a way that minimizes the harm of my own crashing waves. I think I will continue to find more depth in the God and Goddess as I find more within myself.
Makes me wonder if others pull in all pieces of themselves into ritual space when circling. I have done that before, knowing that my highest self and the many parts of me needed to align. Maybe I will make that a more regular part of my daily practice while I am contemplating this area of my spiritual self.