The Thorn in My…Relationship

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Every time my cell phone rings, I cringe a little. Until I pick it up and look at the screen, I have a knot in my stomach.

I never really want to answer. It’s never really a good time to talk. Not when it’s the “thorn” on the other end.

“…I was given a thorn in my flesh…” 2 Corinthians 12:7-9

I have this relationship. An extremely complicated one. My “thorn.” I won’t get into the deep dark details. No matter how strained the situation is or was, there is also love, respect, obligation.

The details don’t matter anyway. Paul didn’t tell us what his “thorn” was. So I’ll leave it as he did.

I was given a “thorn”.

Like Paul, I’ve prayed and pleaded for the Lord to take it away. To change it, move it, shake it, something. And He has done an amazing work, but mostly in me.

This “thorn” has brought me pain and hardship. Affected how I view myself. Caused me to struggle with receiving unconditional love. Even believing such love exists.

This “thorn” dug deep wounds into my heart that took prayers and tears and friends and therapists and one amazing husband years to patch up. And I’m still not whole.

It also sends me running to my Lord.

 The “thorn” that has hurt me so very much, is the very thing that has brought me more words directly from God than anything else in my life.

In all of the years I’ve dealt with this, I’ve known more of God’s comfort, more of His healing and love, than I could have imagined.

He’s whispered in my ear. Breathed life in my soul. Swept through my heart like a gentle breeze. Knocked me over like a gale force wind, with just the words I needed to make it through another “thorny” day.

I’ve heard His voice as I’ve taken steps toward reconciliation and forgiveness. Made strides in my own spiritual and emotional healing. Shuffled forward in Christian love and fellowship.

This all sounds well and good. Like it should be on a Hallmark card or an inspirational poster.

“Rejoice in your struggles. Through them you will hear God’s voice!”  (Hooray! Rainbows and lollipops and butterflies.)

 This decades-long struggle can’t be boiled down to an encouraging coffee mug quote.

This is my reality. And it’s painfully hard. It’s meant putting some elbow grease into living the Christian life. Really putting my back into it, not just going through the motions. Getting mud and blood and sweat and tears on my boots, my face, under my finger nails, as I wrestle with obedience. Marching out this “loving my neighbor” business.

Yes, I’ve heard and experienced God through this struggle. Yes, when asked, “When has God spoken to you?” I instantly know it has been through this. To fortify me for this relationship. To change who I am through faithfully loving another when it’s most difficult to love. Yet, I still struggle with “why.”

Why me? Why this? Why for so long? Why not bring closure or reconciliation or mutual understanding?

Why can’t I just throw a giant fit and cry and yell and curse and spit and say all the things I want to… to my “thorn”? Why do I have to keep answering the phone and… be nice?

You know what, I will throw a giant fit. And cry and yell and curse and spit and say all the things I want to… to my God.

I will keep answering the phone, even with a knot in my stomach. I will be nice, probably through gritted teeth. Because along with the whispered encouragement, He’s also been clear about how to handle this “thorn”. With love and respect and sensitivity. And peace, as far as it is up to me.

 Though I’ve heard Him so many times over the years, there have been times where I’ve heard a deafening silence. Where I’ve searched for His guidance and comfort in dealing with this “thorn”, and no words have come.

Then there were the times when I heard Him loud and clear, but stubbornly heeded my own advice. Did and said what I wished to do and say. Just plain ignored Him and His words of comfort, choosing instead to embrace anger and bitterness, to wrap myself up in them and hibernate for a while.

Like I said. It’s extremely complicated. But when I look back, I can pick out all the many words He has given me. All the words I needed, and how powerful they were when I listened.

I’ve heard Him whispering “forgive” year after year after year. When repentance is impossible and apologies are a fantasy, I’m supposed to respond with forgiveness? Really?! That’s freakin’ hard, folks. I need to (repeatedly) hear the whispered encouragement, “Forgive…as I have forgiven you”. I need to hear it 70 times 7 times. And I have.

He’s given me so many words. For all the crazy emotions whirling inside me, resulting from this “thorn.” Worry, fear, self-doubt, frustration, sadness, anger, regret. More times than I can count, He’s been there whispering…

 “When you are worried, trust me.”

“When you are afraid, I am your stronghold.”

“When you doubt yourself, remember I will help you, sustain you.”

“When you are frustrated with your present, find rest in your salvation.”

“When you are sad & angry, know that I am listening.”

“When you are filled with regret, know that you are forgiven.”

In all this, I consistently hear, just as Paul did, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ (2 Corinthians 12:9)

 I wrap myself in these words, and rest in them, and I wait.

For the phone to ring.

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Hi there! I’m Marie Osborne, a blogger, wife, & stay-at-home mom who loves Jesus & laughs often (rather loudly, usually at myself). But more importantly, I’m here in the trenches right beside you, candidly sharing my sinner’s journey, running after Jesus, stubbornly committed to my marriage, battling my sin nature as I strive for grace-filled motherhood, and daily wrapping myself in His mercy, comfort and love. Find me on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest to be encouraged, challenged, and laugh together. Visit my website!