Americans buy more self-help books than any other kind of book. There are a lot of good reasons for it. Self-improvement and problem solving are some of the goals we all strive to achieve and when someone says, “I know how,” it’s worth paying attention.
But sometimes life, well, life just sucks, and our problems can defy solution, even with the help of others. Then the limits of a self-help culture become apparent. Yes we can? No, in fact, sometimes we can’t:
- The wheelchair is not going away.
- You were shamed and abused. The past cannot be altered.
- The job is gone. It’s not coming back.
- The terminal diagnosis is just what it says, “terminal.” It’s the last, life-ending word from science that has no more answers.
As good as they can be, self-help strategies are about managing losses and points of pain. They are not about confronting the absolute limits of life, the places where things never snap back into place and can’t be fixed.
When we confront those limits the spiritual choices that should have been obvious all along force themselves on us. How can we respond?
- We can allow despair to take hold and lose hope.
- We can buy another book, find a new guru.
- We can bank the grief and limp along.
- We can hold our breath waiting for the therapeutic strategies to snap back into place.
Or, we can give ourselves to God in the middle of the loose ends and shattered dreams.
Will life be different from the dream we were building? Yes. Will there be real losses or less than we hoped? Yes. But life is not about physical perfection and material prosperity. Life is about a journey into God, and what matters most is our capacity for intimacy and companionship with God—whatever the circumstances.
As a dear friend of mine who has spent decades of her life in a wheelchair puts it, “Some of us are differently-abled, the rest are temporarily-abled.” Any portrayal of the Christian message, then, that suggests otherwise betrays the message itself and exposes all of us despair. There are times when life simply sucks.
Where, then, does therapy take its place in the life of the church?
To the extent that therapy’s categories allow us to understand ourselves more fully, it can be very helpful. Therapy can help us name and manage forces that often defeat us spiritually and don’t fall easily under the label of “sin.” But as useful as they are, therapeutic strategies can neither touch our deepest needs, nor provide the vocabulary to explain them.
A young man who sought me out for spiritual direction years ago had found an AA group that made his sobriety possible, but (as he put it) “I need more. I neither know who the ‘higher power’ is in my life, nor what that ‘higher power’ might want for me.” To help people like this the church must own and use its own language for God, the meaning of life, the nature of the human predicament, and the spiritual dimensions of healing.
There are two places to begin…