Today’s post was written by Barry Cram. Enjoy!
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I love this quote from Helen Keller. “Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light.”
We all have dark times in our lives, and it is nice to have a friend there beside us. Really good friends have weathered a few storms and seen some water under the bridge. Those kinds of friendships take time and commitment. Even through the rough times, true friends sick together.
But what about developing new friendships? How do you make a new friend starting from scratch? The process of making a new friend can be frustrating or daunting if you use a wrong strategy or assume the wrong things. Taking the right initial steps to make a new friend can be a shot in the dark. But it doesn’t have to be!
As you read this blog, I want you to think about two factors: (1) the initial trust/commitment level it takes to make a new friend, and (2) the time frame needed to first establish that friendship.
At first you may think both of these factors need to be high. Conventional wisdom says, “Good friendships need lots of time and lots of trust.” But I am going to suggest that, in the beginning, you do not want invest a lot of time and trust. It seems counter-intuitive, but you do not need a “big time” commitment or trust level to make a new friend. Here are three tips for making a new friend.
Start where you spend most of your time
The first step in making a new friend is meeting new people. The more new people you can meet, the greater the chances of establishing a new friendship with common interests. So where is the best place to meet new people? Begin where you already spend the majority of your time— your neighborhood.
There are many reasons that neighbors down the street or around the block can become new friends. You both already share the same (1) community space (gardens, parks, pools, and streets), (2) concerns/issues (crime and safety), and (3) schools (if you both have kids).
Use social platforms that guarantee face-to-face interaction
Most neighborhood groups have websites or social site you can join—Facebook, Nextdoor, etc.—to subscribe and receive community news. Active communities will advertise community events. If it is a trusted group, subscribe and join these kinds of distribution lists. Also, these community events are planned by social committees that meet nearby. Volunteer to help with one event that interests you. You will meet someone new.
If your neighborhood does not have an association, use community-driven sites like Nextdoor to meet people. I use it because it allows me to communicate with others who are in close proximity. I have personally used Nextdoor to:
- Report a stolen bicycle
- Give away furniture and textbooks to those in need
- Get recommendations when I needed a new fence
- Invite our community to neighborhood functions
Each opportunity allows for more and more face-to-face interactions between neighbors. Friendly neighbors are just acquaintances who live really close to you. And acquaintances are potential friends! If the next step is right, time and trust will not be a factor early on.
Find events that require very little commitment and low trust
If you meet a neighbor down the street, understand that the first initial get-togethers should require very little trust and very little commitment. This is very important. Consider this scenario:
I meet a guy who is married with two kids. He loves football and keeps a pretty neat yard. There is enough common interest, but I really do not know him. Which event would I use to get to know him better?
- Join the neighborhood walking group (every Tuesday at 7pm)
- Host a “Guy Night” (Monday night NFL game at my house)
- YardSmart seminar (Saturday from 9a-10a) at the HOA clubhouse
- Six-week class on marriage and parenting my church
The answer is C.
The YardSmart seminar is the only one-time event (low commitment) at a neutral location (low trust needed) at a close, familiar place. All of the other examples are (1) group-oriented, (2) last too long, (3) have an on-going commitment, (4) have no ending date, or (5) assume too much trust (inviting someone into your home assumes more trust). In this situation, a few low trust/low commitment events would help me discern if this relationship could turn into a friendship.
Set yourself up to succeed
So, start where you already spend a lot of your time. If you use social media, use the ones that offer face-to-face interaction. And choose the right kind of events up-front. This creates the best atmosphere for you to pursue potential friendships without all the drama, stress, and mess.
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Barry Cram and his wife, Lisa, live in the DFW area with their three teenagers. He is a recovering former-pastor and occasional blogger. Barry works as a community engagement liaison for a local municipality. He serves and facilitates relationships between neighborhood volunteers, school educators, and nonprofit & faith-based leaders. He keeps his ear to the ground for opportunities to plant the gospel and make disciples in surrounding communities. Barry’s blog site is barrycram.com.
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