Parenting in the Pew – Tips for Stressed Out Parents and Fed Up Congregants

I get asked lots of questions by parents visiting our church for the first time, but by far the most common is this: Why don’t you hold Sunday school during the service?  It’s so hard to have my five-year-old with me during church!  We do have a Sunday school, but it meets after our corporate worship service, and children five and older are expected to stay with their parents during this service.  (Younger children and babies can attend the nursery.)  I get a similar question from single adults, senior citizens, and college students: Why don’t you hold Sunday school during the service?  I can’t enjoy the service with all of these whiny, squiggly, rowdy children in the sanctuary!  

A Jewish friend recently told me that her synagogue holds two seders each Passover – one upstairs for the adults and one downstairs for the children, who were so badly behaved that the adults banished them to the basement.  Given the Bible’s mandate that adults pass on the story to each new generation, this is surely a failure.  As is the current Patheos debate about babies crying during church.  But whose failure is it?  The parents who think the world revolves around their precious bundles?  Or the other adults who feel entitled to peace and quiet and orderliness at all times?

Church, unlike my quiet times of Bible study and prayer, is a communal experience.  We come together to make a joyful noise for our God.  We come together to encourage each other in faith.  We come together to welcome newcomers into a relationship with God and his people.  And that welcome extends to children.  Our job as a congregation is to welcome children into the life of the church.  This job may fall primarily on parents, but it won’t work if the entire community doesn’t pitch in.  Here are some suggestions for all of us. Nearly all of them are taken directly from a book that I cannot recommend highly enough, Parenting in the Pew.

FOR PARENTS:  Church is not a time-out from parenting.  It’s not like date night, where you and God are gonna have some special time. You have the responsibility, and incredible blessing, to lead your child in the life of your church.  This means recognizing that the church is not there only for your child’s enjoyment.  They are part of a community, and teaching your children to respect that community is important work. In a culture that entertains children into a spiritual coma, this is not going to be easy.  But it will be worth it.

  • Sunday morning starts Saturday night.  Lay out clothes, offering envelopes, and gather together all you will need.
  • Make Sunday morning different! Set the alarm early enough to allow for a relaxed pace.  Have a simple, special Sunday breakfast.
  • Allow time to get settled.  Take children to the bathroom before the service begins.
  • It’s often helpful to sit as a family toward the front of the sanctuary.  Children who can see will feel more a part of the service. If, on the other hand, you think you’ll need to take a break during the service, sit near the back and on the aisle so you are less likely to disrupt things as you leave and return.
  • If you need some time to quiet a crying baby or help a squiggly youngster re-focus, feel free to step out of the sanctuary for a bit.
  • Worship WITH rather than BESIDE children.   Help those who can’t yet read by singing the words of the chorus into their ears so they can sing along. Have them squeeze your hand whenever they hear a repeated word like God or Hallelujah.
  • Help young readers follow along with Powerpoint and Bibles.  Point out words for young readers and even non-readers who can pick out repetitive words.
  • Allow children to participate in the offering by sharing their allowance and bringing it forward with your family’s offering.
  • Whisper instructions, questions and comments. “Now is the time when we tell God how great He is.” “What do you think will happen next in the story?”
  • When young children need a break, step out of the sanctuary.  Rejoin when they are ready to participate again.
  • Be firm and consistent.  Apply the same discipline for worship infractions that you apply at other times.
  • On the way home, ask what people did, enjoyed, and wondered about during the service.

FOR THE REST OF US: Church is not an adults-only resort.  Yes, many parents need to do a better job parenting at church, but your hostile eye-rolling is not helping.  Neither is your attitude that it’s not your problem to solve.  How much support do the single mothers get from you?  The mothers of colicky babies or special needs kindergarteners?  Has your church gone out of its way to make non-Christian college students feel welcome but very little to make eight-year-old boys feel the same?  If you can’t sing while a baby cries or an autistic girl bumps into you while she tries to get comfortable, might you not be the one who needs to adjust a few things?

  • Remember the commitment you made as a church when children were dedicated, a commitment to encourage them to become disciples of Christ.
  • Introduce yourself to the child sitting beside you.  Make him or her feel welcome and important.
  • On occasion, ask a parent if you could invite one of their children to sit with you during the service.
  • Understand when parents need to take young children and babies to the nursery or the rest room and then return to worship.
  • Have patience with the learning process, and pray for families that you see are struggling.
  • Compliment children who listened attentively during the service.

  • Nancy Mc

    Many years ago, someone led me to imagine what it must have been like to been in the crowds listening to Jesus. I could be wrong, but I bet there was a lot of bustle, and everyone wasn’t all quiet and subdued. Ever since first thinking about that, I never have (too) much of a problem in church with various noise and commotion; I just think about being in the crowds.

  • Tara Edelschick

    Nancy, I love this. I might try to do something like the with our entire congregation.

  • Leigh

    I take a four year and two year old to church along with one still inside(she is very well behaved) and this is so much of how we chose and participate in church. Our church has everyone ther for the first third, then children’s time, the littles up to around four go up to nursery where pretty much all the adults take a turn playing. Sunday school for all is after fellowship. Babies nursing is normal during the service and we have someone wonderful who sepecaliaes in walking babies around who need it so parents can listen.
    For the bigger kids, we have a series of little rituals to celebrate their growing up, from the play bag for staying in church, to first bibles, meno mitzva, blessing the car keys…

  • Jason S.

    Where I grew up (in the deep South), children over 3 or so were expected to be in the service for the first half of the service (i.e., there was no nursery available for those groups, and Sunday School was always before the worship service), but then were invited to go to “Children’s Church” right before the sermon started. I think kids were allowed to go until age ten or so, but my brothers and I were expected to stay for the whole service about age six or seven if I recall correctly. (I would imagine the proper age to end “Children’s Church” would differ from child to child.) That seems to me to be a reasonable compromise position given that the sermon (being long, relatively monotone, and involving little audience participation) may be much less able to hold the interest of younger children than singing and the like. And the younger chidren with short attention spans may get more out of “Children’s Church” than sitting and not listening to the sermon.

    • Tara Edelschick

      Jason, This is great, and I can see something like this working well. In fact, we just planted a new church that isn’t yet big enough to pull off an entire Sunday School. I’m going to suggest this model to them.

      I’ve been surprised by how much of the sermon my boys can retain. Even when they don’t totally understand it, it gives us something to talk about later. And with enough gentle prodding from me, they focus far better in church than they do anywhere else.

  • http://www.mycatholicblog.com Janet Dubac

    Thank you so much for sharing this! I so love your parenting tips! I am always having problems when it comes to bringing my kids to church and I am looking for solutions to help me with it. Thank God I saw this blog post! This is exactly what I need. Thanks again Tara! You are a blessing! :)

  • Ayobami

    Thank you, Sis Tara. And huge thanks to the nursery at our church- PT. As the mother of a 20-month old, I am obviously guilty of sometimes making church a time-out for parenting. Interestingly, I am also sometimes guilty of getting irritated when the kids of other worshippers cannot seem to sit quietly (mine can’t either!). Hopefully, this will change something in the way I approach parenting in the pews. Very well written.

    • Tara Edelschick

      Hi. I understand about seeing the nursery as a time-out. When you are exhausted, the fact that someone else is going to love and cuddle your baby for two hours is a great blessing. I’m definitely not saying that parents don’t need breaks. I’m just saying the purpose of church is not for us to get a break from parenting. For parents of small babies and toddlers, the best parenting we might do on Sunday morning is to hand them off to someone else.

  • Ayobami

    Thank you!

  • Karen

    So true, thank you! We’re right there with you. Our 4 children (age 4-10) have all been in the service with us since they were 3, and it’s still a journey! I appreciate something our church does to encourage our children. Our pastor makes a page of “Kid’s Notes”. It is similar to the adult outline that he makes available for the grown ups and corresponds with his power point slides. Our older children who read independently can follow along to fill in the blanks and answer the questions. We help our younger ones copy from the screen or their Bibles. The page also has a few simple graphics related to the topic that they can color (great for the 4 year old) and wide margins for those who just have to doodle. These have been a great help for our children to retain some more of what they are hearing.


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