Irreverin
It’s the oldest joke in our cultural lexicon: the father, casually cleaning his shotgun on the front porch as the daughter’s date comes to the door. Drop any variation of that scenario into a sit-com, meme or conversation, and you’ve got an instant LoL. A shared experience that some people will even say they’ve experienced firsthand, to some degree, whether as daughter, date or dad.
You can say it’s harmless, JUST A JOKE. But given the power that guns wield, both symbolically and physically, in our world today, I am not laughing. In fact, gun jokes in general are about as funny as rape jokes. (Which is to say, NOT FUNNY).
The casual cleaning-of-gun-on-porch schtick is taking a sharp, more violent turn in the current climate, and it needs to be addressed.
There is a whole market of t-shirts and other merchandise bearing the message DADD—“Dads Against Daughters Dating.” They say things like “Shoot the first one, and word will spread.” Or “You need to know: I’ve got a shot gun and a shovel.”
Or maybe you’ve seen this popular bumper sticker: Guns don’t kill people. Dads with pretty daughters do. (Wait, so you don’t shoot the daughter’s boyfriend if she’s ugly? But that’s a whole ‘nother post…)
As a mother of a son, I am horrified that we have adopted this sentiment as a perfectly acceptable social norm. Normalized to the point that the message can be mass-produced for display on one’s body or car. The implication is clear: it is somehow laughable, even laudable, for a man to guard his daughter’s purity in a fight to the death with a male suitor. If my son breaks up with your daughter and hurts her feelings—even if he is a jerk, which I hope to the good Lord we are raising him not to be—am I to assume it is your right, even duty, to shoot him dead?
What about if his physical relationship with your daughter progresses past the point you feel is acceptable/appropriate? The penalty for second base is death? Or is second base just a shot in the foot, and maybe rounding third is when you get the deadly cap to the head?
Oh, and what if your daughter is a lesbian? Does her girlfriend get the same threat/promise of violence? Or is she rendered harmless by her lack of penis? And I don’t even want to ask what would happen to your son’s boyfriend, if he happened to be gay… I’m guessing you would make a whole new set of jokes and t-shirts, about how perhaps you could kill the son and his date with the same bullet. Thereby saving on precious ammo. Am I close?
Anyway. It is an appalling line of reasoning, any way you shake (or shoot) it. And I am done accepting any of it as “just a joke.”
I’m working on a book project about progressive family values, and I find the value of non-violence to be one of the most difficult to make tangible. It is so ingrained into the fabric of our lives, we scarcely even notice when someone has a gun pointed at the heads of our children. And yet, there it is. On my neighbor’s bumper sticker, or your brother-in-law’s hoodie. And it’s HILARIOUS.
Any time we make a joke like this—or laugh when someone else does—we perpetuate a deeply rooted cycle that has become as American as the sitcom laugh track. Addressing that rhetoric is only one small layer of the larger issue of gun control… but it is one small nuance that, maybe, we can begin to insist on observing in polite company.
Meanwhile – I have a daughter too. Am I going to get all mama bear on the first boy that treats her badly? You bet. But I’m sure not going to send her daddy after him with a Timber Classic. And implying that I might is as unfair to her as it is to the poor hypothetical boy we just chased down the driveway.
Beyond the obvious desire to model non-violence in my home, I also try to teach my kids (both kids) empowerment when it comes to their bodies. And the daddy-with-shotgun image does not exactly scream “You are an independent woman empowered to make her own decisions about her body.” On the contrary, it says “you are a helpless waif of a thing, and aren’t you lucky your daddy is home?” Gross.
There’s a better way, folks. If you want to protect your daughters—and your sons, for that matter– start young, with the following:
-Create a climate of trust, not control. Which would you rather your teenager say to her new boyfriend: a) “I can’t wait for you to come home and meet my parents” or b) “I’m going to have to sneak out to meet you at that party because my dad will kill you and my mom will kill me?” You do the math.
–Teach boundaries and consent. It is ok to refuse a hug. No means no. Repeat.
–Let friends come over, often. Create the expectation that you will know the people your kids spend time with.
–Talk about hard things. Sex, death, math homework, bullies, you name it. If you can get comfortable talking about that which is scary or confounding to your kids, then they will get comfortable with you as a source of comfort and information. And while you’re at it,
–Take the shame out of sex. We could have a whole other conversation about how we talk to kids about sex—and believe me, I would defer to someone more qualified to write it—but the bottom line, for this moment, is that there is nothing wrong or sinful about desire; our bodies are not the enemy; and everyone, regardless of their gender, is responsible for making healthy, informed decisions FOR THEMSELVES. Mom and dad can’t do it for you. With or without a weapon. Meanwhile, you do hope for your children to have a healthy sex life at an age appropriate time in his/her life. Threatening to murder the first viable prospect JUST MIGHT have some long term psychological effects, #imjustsayin
–Emphasize self-worth. Model it, build it, nurture it. In a thousand little ways, we can remind our kids that they are more than their successes and failures that they are loved and worthy no matter what; and that anybody who doesn’t treat them well does not deserve to be around them. A healthy sense of self is a more powerful tool than any shot gun, anywhere. And you can take that to the bank.
–Articulate love. Deep down, the whole “Dad with a Gun” thing is really just a warped desire to say “Daughter: I love you more than my own life, more than my own freedom, more than I ever thought was possible. And I would do anything to protect you.” You know what? That is a lovely message. USE YOUR WORDS. You do not have to aim a shot gun at some poor boy’s head to get that memo across, thanks.
Above all, remember that parenting may get trickier when kids start having hormones and ALL THE FEELINGS, but the journey sure doesn’t begin there. We have their whole childhood to prepare them for the navigation of romantic relationships. Parenting also does not end when they turn 18 (so I’m told). Someday, they will be out there in the world without us, and we can only hope that they know how to protect themselves from more than just a bad date. Or a bad date and her daddy, who’s packing.
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