10 Life Hacks To Try If You Favor “Outsiders” with “No Experience”

8. Nuclear waste needs zero government oversight! Ok, this one is no joke. A member of my family worked at a top-secret, can’t-really-tell-you-what-they-do-there kind of facility where they process radioactive materials. He has a military background, as well as extensive training in hazardous waste safety…and he says we would never sleep again if we knew what kinds of yay-hoos were charged with keeping us all from nuclear disaster. Seriously, don’t think about it too much. But really, why do we need anybody AT ALL taking care of this stuff? The government has too much power! Make them leave those plants alone and let them do whatever they want, because this is America. The red, white and blue. And bright green…

9. Have a friend get ordained on the internet so they can perform your wedding so you don’t have to pay an actual professional trained clergyperson to do the honors because that would be silly. And, of course,

10. Send my kids to the Olympics. My son ALMOST passed his Level 1 Parks and Rec swim course this summer; and my daughter can ALMOST do a cartwheel. She is self-taught, of course, and we Americans love self-made people. So I say, bring home that Phelps kid and that Simone girl, and send my kids to show the world that in America, we are all about picking ourselves up by our bootstraps. And that makes us all winners, right? Such big winners. We hate losers.