How To Win Every Argument With Your Wife

Wives: Please don’t read this. There’s nothing here for you to learn. Thank you very much.

Husbands: As you know, arguing is a big part of being married. The main thing about an argument with your wife is that you never want to lose one. Losing an argument makes you look stupid. Besides, would you have ever even gotten into an argument with your wife if, going in, you didn’t know you were totally, 100% right about the subject at hand? Of course you wouldn’t have.

Remember: If you’re in an argument, you are right about whatever it is you’re arguing about.  Don’t let your wife’s feminine wiles or disturbingly keen grasp of analytical logic dissuade you from this all-important fact. You are right. You are right, you are right, you are right. You know it. The key is getting her to know it.

Here are some hard won tips I’m sure can help you win your next argument with your wife.

1. Don’t talk. Never forget that silence is golden. If you’re in an argument with your wife, it’s unlikely your case will be strengthened by your talking. If you clam up by reading or watching TV, chances are good that your wife will eventually scream herself hoarse, and then give up the fight altogether. Score! Remember that in a genuine, down-and-dirty argument, a tie is as good as a win. Never lose sight of the fact that ultimately refusing to participate in a fight means winning that fight.

2. Change the subject. A lot of times in a fight the wife will insist on sticking to the subject. Don’t let this dastardly strategy distract you from one of your key objectives in any argument with your wife, which is to as often and subtly as possible change the subject. Remember: It’s hard to hit a moving target. Stand firm in your resolution to constantly duck and switch. Sure, your wife may be smarter than you. But you’re the man of the family. That means you’re faster. Do not hesitate to avail yourself of this natural, God-given advantage.

3. Be conciliatory in a harsh tone. Women are extremely sensitive to tone. If in a harsh, argumentative tone you say things that are in fact conciliatory, you can oftentimes confuse your wife into not being sure whether she’s lost the argument or not. This can create a situation in which you can force the draw, or even go for the win. Never forget the classic Male Fight Line: “Oh, I see. So now we’re not talking about what I said, but the tone I said it in. Great. So we’ve just entered crazy land.” This arguing technique allows you to concede just enough to let her think she’s won something, but to then take it back by accusing her of being too emotional to recognize when you’ve attempted a compromise. Perfect!

I could go on, but I think these three argument strategies should be enough to ensure any husband’s victory in a fight with his wife. They’ve always worked for me, anyway.

Okay, fine. They’ve never worked for me. But I’m not going to let that stop me from continuing to employ them in every fight I ever have with my wife. And I hope that you, my fellow men out there, will also never stop using these venerable husband arguing techniques, which I am sure you join me in feeling confident must one day, finally, if only in one stupid argument, prevail.

Related post: Top 10 Tips For Becoming A Better Husband.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • windyblue

    All that you wrote John is better known as divorce Court. I have had the slient treatment, and the rest of it too.

    And thinking a wife is going to go hoarse? Arguments happen in any marriage, and both people have to learn how to communicate. And with what you wrote, couples are headed for divorce court.

    Any marriage as fights. But learning to work through that is what makes a marriage stronger.

  • http://www.todayscoolnews.com Brian Shields

    Windy,

    He's kidding again. You know trying to show the right path by pretending to show the silly wrong path.

    Who was that other guy who didn't always say what he meant exactly? Oh yeah, Him.

  • Angela

    Oh, I thought it was only the wife who argues. My husband says, "Why do you have to argue about everything." So, I thought it was just me.

    Not that I read your post or anything.

  • monica

    i usually just lurk here, but today had to comment…

    wow, jump all over windy why don't you. hope she's not a seeker.

    i read the post and recognized it was tongue in cheek. but you know what… it isn't funny, at least not to me, because it is exactly the way my husband argues. and normally i would read have read this post and just moved on but the responses to windy aren't funny, they are hurtful.

  • Hjordes

    Dear Monica,

    You might have taken the comment to windy as a rebuke but I'm certain it wasn't. Brian was simply and kindly pointing out the why of the humor. Everyone loves windyblue…she always has something interesting to say.

    Sorry about your husband's argument style. Been there/done that – I can SO relate. John's humor tickles me, but it's only because I'm not living through it any more and those control tricks now seem so silly. They sure weren't silly at the time though – they were frustrating and heartbreaking!

    It took a lot of years to teach poor hubby how to fight. And darnit, just when he got good at it we never fight any more. It ain't fair!

  • http://www.jgirl4you.com JGirl4You

    No matter what, I always win :)

  • keith

    Instead of try to "win" every argument…why don't you try to figure out "why" you are arguing so much. Gee…are you still sixteen?

  • breezy

    windy and keith should meet, no…

  • http://www.todayscoolnews.com Brian Shields

    I blogged recently about this Scientific American story that shows some biological basis for your advice… and someone left a comment that sums up the universal truth you reference here:

    “Will Rogers said it best: there are two theories to arguin’ with a woman, and neither one of ‘em works.”

  • http://mrcheeseburger9000.wordpress.com Mr. Cheeseburger 900

    the longer i am married, the more i realize that my wife is, 99% of the time, right. it makes "arguing" a lot easier, as I just need to focus on that 1% when i am right — which turns out to be once a year.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Brian: You’re my hero.

    Oh, wait. You’ve blasphemed!

    Bummer. So close.

  • http://www.todayscoolnews.com Brian Shields

    Monica…

    I apologize if you thought my comments were hurtful. I was just trying to point out John (even though I'm not quite his hero) likes to play the absurdist card every now and then. He is, after all, quite the card.

    BTW, you're breaking the rules by reading the post anyway. John clearly told wives (and by extension ex-wives) not to read it.

    Now it's my turn at humor.

    Brian

  • http://shushnow.wordpress.com shush

    And women can win every argument by saying, "and here I thought we'd be making love instead of fighting" and flashing a bra strap.

  • FreetoBe

    So funny, John! I have experienced the "duck and switch" quite often. And shush, I like the way you think!

  • Lisa Harris

    John~

    I surmise that you are attempting to be entertaining. Unfortunately, so many Christian couples suffer because their behavior in marriage is unbiblical; furthermore, there is a deficiency in our churches when it comes to biblical teaching with regard to godly conduct in marriage. With your vast knowledge, why not provide your readers with valuable and viable biblical instruction? Just wondering why you would waste valuable copy to poke fun at a very serious issue?!

    Truth in Love,

    Lisa

    • yayaya

      because it’s not an accurate book, anyone who understands how brainwash works, and how science works, would realize that and stop living in their imagination.

  • http://www.nathanhov.com bohemianprose

    John good stuff.. I've tried those tactics and the results were… hmm not so good. Why does it feel like you should add a battle cry to this post? Perhaps "fight the resistance" or something like that.

  • http://www.myspace.com/chiaroscuro1954 Richard

    Windy and Monica – lighten up. How is it that John's words were lost on you. He just made all us guys look like total losers in the marraige/communication realm, and you missed it?

    My ex-wife actually fought the way John says men do. I used to say that if she and God had a disagreement, God would find himself wrong for the first time.

    Resist the devil and (s)he will flee from you. Well, maybe not all the time.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com Skerrib

    "…why…waste valuable copy to poke fun at a very serious issue"? 'Cuz laughing at the stupid things we do keeps us grounded. Poking fun keeps the serious issues from killing us altogether.

    Why would JOHN poke fun at a very serious issue?? Um…no comment. Awwww, SNAP!!

  • http://witorwisdom.wordpress.com/ washedandforgiven

    @ Travis…

    tongue-in-cheek, but absolutely. Pretending that you've surrendered the battle, while knowing you're winning the war, always works best. ;)

  • neyawn

    No matter what, if there is an argument, Men ALWAYS lose. If you lose the argument, you are anyway a loser. If you win, she’ll remind you all your life how badly you had argued last time (and how you had hurt her feelings in the process). No, I am not a husband. I am actually a 20something young guy, still in college, but happened to have a girlfriend.

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Blog. "Valuable copy." Blog. "Valuable copy."

    I just can't see the connection.

    Actually, I should say that. I put mucho time into these blogs.

    So, Skerrib. Still causing trouble wherever you go, I see. How … you of you.

    Richard: THANK YOU! Sometimes when I do this sort of thing, I wonder if I've been too OVERT about the fact that clearly I'm joking. It pretty much never comes out that I have, though — or not judging from the comments I usually get. I think sometimes people don't read all the way to the end of posts before they comment. I know that happens. Fair enough; I write pretty long posts. Still. Anyway, thanks.

    Lisa: No WAY did you type, "I surmise that you are attempting to be entertaining." That's just … The Ultimate.

  • Elizabeth

    Ah, SHOOT! Travis beat me to the punchline! HH always says that he learned the perfect way to make the wifey happy… "Yes, Dear." :)

    Sounds like Travis and HH think alike! LOL

  • http://www.sandradewi.cn sandra

    i’m single…nobody loves me..

  • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

    Sandra: Do you love someone?

  • http://www.travisjmorgan.com/blog Travis

    “Yes dear.”

    I win.

  • Ann

    This is obviously a subject that causes a lot of strong reactions. John, you’ve put your finger on a few behaviors that can be amusing if seen from the perspective of a successful, mature, relationship.

    I can understand readers responding to it seriously, though, even if it was meant humorously. This isn’t that funny if you’ve struggled, or are struggling, to save your marriage. And its not that funny to imply that women use sex to manipulate, either, or that they are the enemy in a never ending hopeless battle, as some of the responses seem to imply.

    I imagine trying to maintain ones most intimate relationship with a man who despises, belittles, or thinks his wife is trying to trick him must be so hard. For those who have suffered through such a situation, this very witty and very humorous column is a sad reminder.

  • http://pauleilers.blogspot.com/ Paul Eilers

    Never marry a good lookin’ woman. She might run off and leave you.

    The key is to marry an ugly woman. Yes, she might also leave you.

    But who cares?

  • http://chencenter.wordpress.com Michael Joyce

    John. What an entertaining blog. My girlfriend always insists that talking seriously about a subject (that we differ on) consists of it being an “arguement.” …whereas us men would call a debate. They get frazzled and huffy and it just makes me grin and continue with my point. It reminds me of that Carly Simon song…which (in my opinion) bridges a big difference between men and women… the woman sings “you probably think this song is about you”… and the man is like, “duh, who else is it for… your singing it right TO me, aren’t ya?” …and you know what, we’re right. I love her to death… but sometimes it is just soo fun to ruffle some feathers.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com Skerrib

    Hmmm, too bad my husband and I are so healthy and in love that these sorts of things are never an issue for us. Hee hee.

    I didn’t read the post, but if I did I’m sure I’d have liked it.

    • yayaya

      must be nice having such a large ego and needing to talk down to others, fucking loser

  • Kim H

    I knew there was a reason I didn't want to teach my fiance how to use the computer…you're it! All those were done by my first and second husband and so you were saying….

  • keith

    LOL…..LOL…..Kim……nuff said…..that's great.

  • http://frkf.wordpress.com FrAU FrÖnKeNStE

    Couldn´t help myself. I red it. LOL

  • arlywn

    you know the really weird thing? My guy argues like that…. and he wins. I dont know how he does it. And then we fight about that. And he wins again… ish.

    I think we wouldnt argue so much if he didnt act like he was single… I have issues… I wont get into them. Im not talking about dating/ sleeping with others- its really the communication.

    He can go out, not call, not envolve me in plans (regardless of weather or not I can go, I want to be invited) or anything- but if I do that, he gets pissy. I dont understand it.

    (yes I'm single at the moment so I'm slightly more cynical than I normally am. I'm trying to focus on positive things… but I miss him and this bugs me… so… cynical fault- finder it is.)

    I did like the post. Sorry for my rambling… again. lol.

    • yayaya

      shut the fuck up nobody understands your subspecies attempt at communication. fuckin retard

  • Bob Dole

    From the way Divorce is now a days, and the things us Guys have to deal with on a daily basis and hearing it from a womans perspective. My conclusion is this. Either you can deal with a woman that expects too much out of life. Or trade her in and upgrade to one that has been there done that and is happy with letting a Man be a Man. Happy with everything that comes with a realationship by putting up with your Farts, Bad Humor, Television addictions, and NFL or what ever sports disorders we may have. That goes to say that Not all men are easy to get along with infact women if you cant deal with a Man who constantly doubts himself or feels inferior or feels sorry for himself and wallows in his inadequacies, Hell Dump his sorry asz and get a real man! There are plenty of Real men out there that have delt with Crappy Women and love being a man and takeing care of thier woman. I say sorry Loser guys need to be with sorry Loser women, and Awsome Chicks need to be with Awsome Guys. Guys if you have more than one kid and have to deal with a crappy woman then wait the 18 years then dump them. Or if your willing to make kid payments for 18 years then dump um. If you dont have any kids you dont have to take her crap anymore and Dump that box of complaints and get a seasoned chick one that has delt with the crap from a crappy x and wants a real man. Women If you have 1 or more kids and he has a good job and you are tired of his crap, save some cash get a good attorneyy, and flush that turd, get your child support and find a GOOD Man! No one has to take crap anymore. This is America for Crying out loud. Demand respect give them the ultimatium, if they say No, Dump them and move on with your life, you only get 1.

    Ok now its time to pick out what kind of heart attack I want to have. MC Donalds looks awful good. But Whataburger has a Artery Buster special. Humm… Best ask the Wife.

  • Savin Jane

    I am Savin Jane, After 3 years of marriage my husband filed a divorce against me, i did all i could to get him back but went to no avail. Recently I saw a testimony about a spell caster of some sort in a blog I visit for relationship and marriage counselling problems and I just thought after ripped off the previous year of almost about $580, I should try it maybe out of desperation of some sort*..and I contacted them..Atfirst everything felt dreamy and unbelievable,their consultations and solution was a little bit easy and strange and I was scared a little cos I heard read and heard lots of stories of fake spell casters and scammers ripping people off their money..I played along with a little hope and and faith and I was sent some few stuffs after everything and it worked like a miracle,everything went to a while new direction,it was and is amazing…I guess it was all good faith that made me read That particular post that faithful day..I hope they could help other people too like they did me…I did a little and I got everything I wanted, i got back my husband and now we are happily together. Contact this Great spell caster on your relationship or marriage issues via this email ikedispiritualtemple@gmail.com Goodluck

    • yayaya

      aint nobody want your shit

  • Jeff Creighton

    For a christian perspective this needs edited. 1) Not talking is OK if you are listening. 2) Changing the subject is your loss. She is upset about a truth from her perspective, whether that perspective is true or not, that should be determined. Distract and confuse is the devils method. 3) Harsh tones are never OK, we are to be gentle.

    • yayaya

      hows brainwash taste?

  • davisha

    i want to use this medium to testify of how i got back my ex boyfriend. After 4 years in relationship with my husband with 2 kids, he suddenly started going out with other ladies and coming home late, most at times drunk and each time i confront him about this it turns out to be fight, he even threatened to divorce me severally, I was emotionally devastated because i was not sure of what to do to make him love me again, I tried all i could to make him love me again but all proved abortive until i saw a post on the internet on how a spell caster Dr. Zaki helps people restore back their broken relationship/marriage at first i doubted this but decided to give it a try, when i contacted this spell caster via email he helped me cast a re-union spell and within 5hours my husband came to me apologizing and today we are happily together again. Contact this great spell caster on your marriage and relationship problems at dr.zakispellhome@gmail.com

  • yayaya

    or we stop bothering with coupling with complete asshole loser fuckups


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