My Wife: Beautiful on the Outside–But That’s It

They say beauty is only skin deep. But thank God for that quarter-inch of skin. Because right beneath it lies a packed, jumbled mass of mess a starving vulture wouldn’t eat cold.

You can just imagine God, having finished the basic design of humans, saying, “Yikes! Okay, if we expect humans to reproduce, we’ve gotta put some kind of wrapping around this sack. Either that, or let’s remove the eyeballs.”

On Friday my wife Cat got an M.R.I.  You know how after you ride Splash Mountain at Disneyland you can purchase a photo of yourself having all that fun? Well, for five dollars Cat got to purchase a photo of herself riding the scary Magnetic Resonance Imaging ride at Doctorland. Only instead of a picture showing her screaming in fear, we got a picture of her midsection that made us scream in fear.

“Wow,” said Cat. “So smiling for these pictures doesn’t help at all.”

Could she be funnier?

Hey, to catch you up on my wife’s health. As has been true for six weeks now, either Cat has nothing at all wrong with her, or she’ll be dead by Labor Day. I’m no health care expert, but I know we have to fix how long it takes patients to receive a diagnosis and begin treatment. This waiting two weeks between Vital Tests is cruelly insane. No one should have to go through this. It’s awful.

Right now, to me, M.R.I. stands for More Resounding Indecision.

Well, it did. Now it stand for Must Remain Inside.

Ah, laughter. Thank God it’s not really a medicine, or you’d have to wait a month for your [bad word] insurance company to okay it.

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is co-founder of The NALT Christians Project and founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here). His blog is here. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    I like the part about the eyeballs. I like vision and all, but eyeballs do creep me out a bit.

  • Erp

    I suspect to anatomists the innards can also be lovely (though I suspect most spouses would prefer not to hear that their gallbladder is gorgeous).

    My thoughts continue to be with you and your wife.

  • http://dudethatscrazy.wordpress.com Jennifer Coobmes

    I know what you mean about tests. I was doubled over in pain for a week until they decided I was having an apendicitis. I was prepping for surgery when they made me pee in a cup -which took 15 minutes due to the dehydration of not eating or drinking. They were starting to wheel me out to surgery when they came in and said I was pregnant. I had a tubal pregnancy they needed to go in and remove. Good thing I was able to pee in a cup! I wonder how many organs they would have taken out if that wasn't discovered?

  • Greta Sheppard

    John, you rascal you . . . talk about a 'cliff hanger' at the movies!…you excel them all in this report….

    Does 'Must Remain Inside " mean that what ever it is inside of Cat's tummy/body…is inoperable? or just plain doesn't need to because it is healthy tissue?

    Whatever it means…rest assured Cat is in our prayers…and you are too, my son! I got a hunch you are about to expereince a side of God's Goodness, Grace and Peace you haven't tasted before. His Ways are past finding out! Always know that you have a family out here who care deeply about you and Cat.

  • Tamara

    I just discovered your blog over the weekend, and I have never laughed so hard in my life..and yet…conversely, I've never been so touched before in my life, either…by the genuine vulnerability you were willing to expose in so many of your writings…

    I particularly was moved by your story of your conversion experience, and subsequently telling your wife you'd become a Christian ( again, interspersed with laughter as I imagined it in my mind )

    Thank you for all you do for those of us who stop by to read your posts…and may God greatly bless, anoint and completely heal your wonderful wife, and bring both of you a sense of complete peace in His divine power….

    We don't call Him the great I WAS …He's the great I AM..therefore…still works miracles today..and I pray for one for the two of you

  • Hjordes

    Does Cat know how many people out here love her even though she's never met us? How you've done that, I don't know. Maybe it's just that your respect and devotion shines through all those blogs and zings us into loving her too.

    Our thoughts and prayers are with you both.

  • Joanie Cole

    John, you and your lovely wife Cat have my heartfelt prayers that they will not continue to keep you in suspense and keep you waiting, and that they will give you answers soon. And I am praying for the best possible answers for you. I'm pretty sure that MRI also might stand for Must Run Incircles.

    Thank you for continuing to share your lives with us.

  • Lynn Wynar

    Yes to what Joanie Cole said above…"Thank you for continuing to share your lives with us."

    And I add, PLEASE don't stop. Can you feel the love from your people? Bask in it, take it in because you have given it to us a thousand times over.