When Trumpeting Angels Sound Just Like Passing Gas

After a frighteningly long operation and three days in the hospital my wife Cat and I have returned to our cozy and safe home. From the bottom of my heart let me again thank you for the prayers and love so many of you sent our way.

Cat’s well. She’s so well it’s almost bizarre. I’m actually jealous of how much energy she has. We returned home Thanksgiving night, and yesterday she spent hours in the kitchen cooking, took two long walks, accompanied me to Trader Joe’s and Staples, began decorating for Christmas, and did a bunch of other stuff I get exhausted just trying to remember.

Cat had to stay in the hospital an extra night because the doctors were concerned that she hadn’t yet shot around the room like a released balloon from all the gas passing out of her.

Hey. No one said being beautiful was pretty.

When they do major abdominal-area surgery on you, they fill you with carbon dioxide gas, which helps keeps your organs nice and fresh while they operate, or something. I dunno. But when they’re done playing the Organ Requiem on you, the doctors leave a bunch of that gas trapped inside your body. If you’re not a politician and so used to it, so much gas inside of you presents serious problems. It floats up to cause pain in your shoulders; it inhibits your breathing by pressing up hard against your lungs. Now you know why politicians always seem to be panting and shrugging.

Cat recycles; she takes reusable bags with her shopping. This is someone who cares about the environment.

“But what about my carbon footprint?” she said between gritted teeth. “What about the glaciers?”

“Just let ‘er rip, baby,” said the nurses. “Seriously. Or we’ll start putting a bunch of tubes in you.”

“But my husband’s right here in the room with me,” said Cat.

“I don’t mind!” I said. “I wanna see you shoot around the room!”

Finally Cat gave in. I believe several coastal communities along the Eastern Seaboard were flooded later that night.

As I peeled Cat off the ceiling, I said, “See? That wasn’t so bad.”

Ha, ha, ha.

Oh, but what a glorious sound it is, when the angels trump their tribute to the designs of God.

Now Cat’s home and healing. I only hope I can keep up with her while she convalesces.

 

(Photo of angel trumpeting God’s victory over death snagged off the completely interesting-looking site Curios Expeditions.)

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter.

  • Judy

    I'm glad Cat is doing so well. I can't believe she is up for all the cooking and walking. Wow! I think she may be well enough to clobber you for the gas story, too! :)

  • http://www.aelc.edu.au/the-naked-ape-blog/index.html Nathan

    LOL!

    Nice metaphor. Handel's Messiah will never again sound the same.

  • http://www.1truebeliever.wordpress.com wickle

    I don’t know what to say, so … I’m glad she’s well. Thanks for sharing your wit and life, John!

  • textjunkie

    hee hee hee!! Yup, I've known a bunch of people who got abdominal surgery and it's that waiting for breaking wind that is so tense and at the same time so funny… :) I'm glad she is home, well, back on her feet and wearing you out with her energy!!

  • Greta Sheppard

    ah, yes…..the sound of wind…..been there done that……Cat is well and that is so wonderful….it's you I worry about, John…(no, not really…just kidding)……it's the fact that men don't handle pain and all that stuff that we women get used to…! Cat will be better then ever now….we prayed and God heard…!

  • http://ramblingsofaspiritualidiot.wordpress.com ~Julia~

    Glad Cat is recovering well. :)

  • Richard Lubbers

    Thanks for the concerto. I assume Cat is used to you posting her very personal experiences for our edification. Tell her "thank you" for us all. Laughter is so good for the soul!

    We're so happy she is well.

  • Latoya

    Happy thanksgiving!!! There is much to be thankful for :)

  • Stuart

    Cat is lucky she was able to let the gas out that way, in certain cases the air has no significant escape route and so moves around the body, getting up as far as the shoulders. That is painful, so I am reliably informed. The gas eventually dissipates over 2 – 3 days.

    Great to hear things are well with you and that the prayers were more than answered.

  • Lynn

    Ohhh nooo John…lol. Yes, praise the Lord for His answers to our prayers! Speaking from my former nursing background, please suggest to Cat that she rests well throughout the day…so her body can economize the energy that is returning and be put towards the cells, tissues and overall healing process. Thanks so much for sharing your wit with us.

  • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

    Fart stories make me giggle. Hee hee.

  • mm

    I'm very happy to hear that Cat is doing well.

    Re: Post abdominal surgery stories. A few years back I had to have an anglinal hernia repair. I herniated a stomach muscle through my wolfian duct(which is very common in men) and after the surgery they told me to take stool softeners to help get things normal again. Well I decided to take about half a bottle of them,within hours after the surgery. Despite those pills, I still did not bm for a full two days after the surgery

    The next day after the surgery, I had to attend to business and since I didn't have a car it meant I had to take the subway to get to what I needed to do. When on the subway car, I couldn't help it and farted. I watched, as the entire subway car slowly had a look of complete and utter shock hit their faces as they had to smell what just escaped my body slowly fill the entire train car. Three stops in the passengers were still greeted with my stench.

    Later that day, I experienced a similar situation at my apartment. Again, I was afraid to clench and just let one rip unfortunately. My girlfriend sitting next to me immediately admonished me for the wrench of sewage that left my body, but it took a full three minutes for my roommate sitting across the room to shout out "Oh god" as the the stench wafted across the living room.

  • http://www.wix.com/zacheus/Timothy-Fowler/ Timothy Fowler

    Psalm 104:4


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