United Talent is Interested in Movie Rights to My Novel. Ho-Hum.

So, let’s see. Monday, I’m scalp-deep in memories of my mother, due to a novel I’m writing. Tuesday, I discover my mother’s been dead for five years. Wednesday, I … can’t help but notice that I’m not exactly what you’d call depressed. And yesterday, I get an email from a woman at United Talent Agency asking about the availability of movie rights to my unfinished novel.

Ho-hum. Another boring work week for me.

United Talent Agency (of Beverly Hills, doncha know) counts among its clients … oh, lemme just pull a couple of names off the top of my head here: Johnny Depp, Harrison Ford, Owen Wilson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez, Kirsten Dunst, Seth Rogen, James McAvoy, Rachel McAdams, Tim Daly, Paul Rudd, Jim Breuer, Elizabeth Banks, Juliette Goglia, and Mike White; filmmakers and screenwriters Joel and Ethan Coen, Judd Apatow, Andrew Adamson, Wes Anderson, John August, Noah Baumbach, Florian Heckel von Donnersmarck, Julian Fellowes, Curtis Hanson, Charlie Kaufman, Ehren Kruger, Peter Morgan and Richard Price; television writers and creators Dick Wolf, David Chase, Alan Ball, Tom Fontana, Ed Bernero and Steve Levitan, as well as non-fiction television producers Tom Forman, Alison Grodner and Sally Ann Salsano.

But those are just some of my colleagues who pop to mind. Whatever.

(Okay, fine: UTA contacting me isn’t really a big deal at all. The [kind and witty ] woman who emailed/phoned me was simply letting me know that, once my novel is finished, United Talent would be interested in reading it, in order to see whether or not they thought they could sell its movie rights. That’s it. If, come the time, UTA thinks the novel would make a good movie, they’ll hook up with my literary agent, Deborah Schneider—who has friends at UTA with whom she has worked with several of her authors—and together they’ll … do their thing. And then UTA will sell the movie rights to my novel to a major Hollywood studio, and every single one of my life dreams will come true, and I’ll get rich and famous and live happily ever after. Which means, I guess, that I should probably start writing that novel. Which I’ll totally do, right after I grab a little lunch and then take a nap. [I jest! I’m about 30,000 words into it.])

Oh: If anyone from UTA is reading this, please ignore the blog post I once wrote in reaction to Johnny Depp being named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I wasn’t myself that day. Tell the Johnster monster I said hi, and to gimme a call some time.


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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Oh, man, that is THE hardest I've ever laughed at a blog comment!! What a funny take.

    But, seriously: Johnny Depp.

  • As long as it's not John Candy or anyone else who is dead. I don't care if I'm not in the novel, I expect to be in the movie.

    Seriously, congrats my friend.

  • Linda Chimienti

    Brad Garrett?

    (Or character as a youth), Ferris Bueller?

  • Tim

    That's awesome, John. They'd arrest me for trespassing if I tried to set foot in UTA.

  • Who did you have in mind to play me?

  • jennie

    Wahoo! But who do you have in mind to play YOU (assuming there is a character based on you)?


  • Rock on.

  • Robert Downey Jr. He plays crazy in a good way.

  • Forgot to say, though, that since Holllywood always takes a bit of dramatic license with its material, John will probably end being played by Helena Bonham Carter and portrayed as a confused bisexual woman with a penchant for moonwalking and mass consumption of Frito-Lay products.

  • I think John C Reilly should play you.

    (I get "hey you know who you look like? That guy from Stepbrothers/Chicago" ALLLLLL THE TIME)

  • jennifer

    30k words done? No pressure there… If I wrote a book based on my life it would definitly be one of those bizarre comedies that no one really gets. At least thats how I would have to write it that way because as a drama no one would believe it anyway! Do you think most peoples lives are dysfunctional or just most of YOUR readers?

  • Tim

    I think if Jon Favreau put on some black frame eyeglasses he could make a decent John Shore.

    Nah, I just looked up a current pic of Favreau and the guy has really let himself go.

  • Tim

    Writing is a great catharsis. Any wonder why we all seem so dysfunctional? I’d be willing to bet, however, that because John’s readers have this outlet, we are all further along in dealing with our dysfunctions.