How to Win Every Argument With Your Wife

The post you are looking for is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. ) As per Amazon’s rules, content included in the Kindle Lending Library program cannot be available elsewhere online. Sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

"The whole thing about wives submitting to husbands opens the door for these kind of ..."

Why Pastors Struggle With Confronting Domestic ..."
"I have a stupid question for you:If you are asking someone else what to say ..."

What should I tell my child ..."

Browse Our Archives

What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • … because after trying these steps, you won't have a wife anymore?

  • Haha, number 3 cracked me up!

  • I will probably sleep on the couch after trying these steps but I don't mind, it's just like camping

  • Stuart

    "If you’re in an argument with your wife, it’s unlikely that your case will be strengthened by you talking."

    Ha ha! So true! That must qualify for the quote of the week!

  • Robert Meek

    Boink! (The sound of the wife's frying pan connecting to the husband's [wooden] head!)

  • Elizabeth

    Totally got detention for the tone of voice in which I said "Yes Ma'am." Does that make me a guy?

  • It's a start.

  • Kim de Geus

    "Okay, fine. They’ve never worked for me. Ever. Not once. But I’m not going to let that stop me from continuing to use them in every fight I ever have with my wife."

    My favorite definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results."

    BINGO. Crazytown!

  • Scott Spencer-Wolff

    Very well done John – enjoyed it a lot. Reminded me of the four male needs: 1. Look Cool. 2. Avoid Paid. 3. Accumulate Stuff. 4. Be Right.

  • Stephanie Brozovich

    John you continue to crack me up with every new post…….and see I couldn't even get past the wives move along there is nothing here for you!!! LOL. You're a hoot.

  • Gina Powers

    Ok, let me make this even easier for you: Dudes, the BEST way to win an argument with the Mrs.? "Honey, you look AMAZING! Let's go jewelry shopping!!" And wives? Best way to win an argument with HIM? Two words: GET NAKED.

  • Elizabeth

    @Gina: There is one caveat. Wives better be confident, because once you've lost an argument naked, you've really lost.

  • Gina Powers

    @Elizabeth: LOL! True, dat! 😉

  • Gina Powers

    @Elizabeth: LOL! True, dat! 😉

  • Men, just a word of warning from a former wife: Following John's strategy as outlined above will either get you a) killed b) castrated c) cut off from sex forever of d) divorced. Those are the only possible outcomes.


    Funny post, John. Thanks for the laugh, I needed one this morning!

  • Don Whitt

    Extreme funniness. And it's funny cuz it's true.

    Can you please write something about us paying/not paying attention to our partners? I am mystified by this process at times. Don't get me wrong, I lavish my sweetheart with attention. I adore her. However, there are times when I don't, but apparently should and don't know it.

    For example, my wife sometimes reads books while we're watching TV together. TV pretty much sucks, right? So I'm cool with that. You go girl. Broaden your mind.

    However, if I boot-up the laptop while we're watching TV together, she starts staring at me or trying to hold my hand or she might even start ASKING ME WHAT I'M DOING! Yikes.

    Apparently, there are different LEVELS of preoccupation and distraction, some acceptable, some not so much, and they are based upon…. I DUNNO!!!!

    John, buddy, please tell us dummies the rules.

  • Don: I answered your question in a post I just put up. Cuz I'm quick like that.

  • Holly T

    The extreme persistence of all 3 of those is why I'm in the process of separation.

    And that whole thing with changing someone? Yaaa… He wasn't like that until we got married and moved in together.

    Sooo yeaaaa…. I'm not trying to open a whole NEW can of relationshit worms… but like… What can happen when one "rushes into things" is the one of the WORST lessons to learn the hard way. Just sayin.

  • Robert Meek

    My late mama had Words Of Wisdom for my late father.

    Father sat quiet, in his recliner, reading his book, as he often did. Mama said, out of the clear blue, “You can be the head of this household, dad! I don’t have any problem with that!” Father blankly stared at her, with no comment. “You just remember that I’m the neck that turns the head!”

    Quietly, slowly, without a word, without blinking his eyes, my father turned back to his book, and resumed his reading, wisely with no comment.

    🙂 (Yes, it really happened, and I was there to see it.)

  • Don Whitt

    I'm honored and terrified at the same time. Thank you, Sir!

  • Ace

    Hahahah, I got that one too in 1st grade from this one horrible teacher. She wrote me up for "insubordination" because I didn't say "yes ma'am" right. I was 6 years old of course. She pretty thoroughly hated my guts though (and most of the other students for that matter – she wasn't very happy with her job I think).

    The principal let me sit in a chair eating candy from the dish on his desk for twenty minutes, then sent me back to class telling me to look suitably chastised. 😛

  • Ace

    Aahahah, I don't know your mama but I love her. XD

  • i laugh then cry, because countless situations that could have been productive have ended in avoidance and alienation in my own love.

    i get the joke. i do, because it’s been my past 5 years until now. we’re getting it. we’re getting into it and we can both, now, handle it and we are moving forward from petty argument strategies like this article describes.

  • garthsundem

    Ha! I love it. I'm sorry to troll, but I stumbled onto this after blogging a fun list of ways to use illogic to brain punk your way to success in any marital spat. Ahhh, the power of sweet, sweet illogic! If you're looking for quick chuckle, it's at my site: or at the Brain Candy blog at