Bigfoot Fever!

The post you are looking for is included in HA!, a full-sized collection of five years worth of my best humor. If you are a Kindle owner and a member of Amazon Prime, you can borrow HA! for free, with no due dates. (If you don’t own a Kindle, here’s where to get one. To learn more about Amazon Prime—and to get a one-month free trial—go here. ) As per Amazon’s rules, content included in the Kindle Lending Library program cannot be available elsewhere online. Sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you.

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter. If you shop at Amazon, help support John by entering the site through this link right here--Amazon will then send John 3-4% of the cost of anything you buy before exiting the site again.

 

  • Robert Meek

    Oy! At least you're a married man who is still having some kind of love, romance, and intimacy with his wife.

    The number of men I know of who after 10, 20, 30 years, have sexless marriages, is shocking.

    Perhaps you should seriously discuss that issue, sometime.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      You're right, Robert. I SHOULD do a column on how much you know about other people's sex lives! Thanks for the suggestion!

    • Tim

      John’s rib aside (no Adamic pun intended), I think you’re suggestion is a good one.

      A good friend to both my wife and I, told us just prior to marriage, that we would have more sex our first year of marriage than all the years of the following that year put together. We both laughed and totally rejected her prediction. Granted, I only had 13 years following our first year, but that friend wasn’t mistaken as far as my marriage was concerned. Stuff encroaches on a married couple’s intimacy. By “stuff”, I mean all of the physical, mental, and logistical crap that seems intent on destroying the bond that married couples start out with. I’d say kids are one of the biggest sex killers. Between sleep deprivation, having one or more extra bodies between the husband and wife on many nights, the stress, the worry, the bills, the STUFF.

      I understand why “nooners” become necessary to maintain any level of intimacy at all. Work is the second sex killer, and if both people work, double that threat. Then there’s the luggage. As a newly married couple, we bought luggage for the many wonderful trips abroad that we would take together. That luggage went on two childless vacations in almost 15 years of marriage, The luggage I carried in my psyche provided the final “trip” that would be the ultimate deathblow to our waning sexual intimacy. No, Robert, I understand all too personally the good point you tried to make, and regardless of sexual orientation, I think the biggest threat to intimacy is our inability to understand how ill equipped we often are to acknowledge the STUFF, let alone deal with the STUFF. I imagine John misunderstood or just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to….oh I don’t know, I should shut up. But I do understand, Robert and I appreciate your intent. God bless you, bro.

  • AboundingJoy

    I've learned that the best way for my husband to get inside my pants is to start by getting inside my head. When he takes the time to navigate that mine field, he has a golden ticket. It's the best foreplay ever.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Get into head. Beware head-mines. Got it. Thanks!

      • Don Whitt

        @Abounding.Joy,

        Exactly! Last week, a (younger) friend of mine told me that he and his wife were starting "date nights" that night after having a couple kids – the kids still toddlers/babies. I told him, " Cool. Remember foreplay is spelled "T-A-L-K".

        • Don Whitt

          They did NOT have their kids that night, by the way. Man, English is tricky…

  • Diana A.

    Oh this was hysterical! Scary, but hysterical!

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Scary, but hysterical. That pretty much wraps up sex, right there. Nice job, Diana A.!

  • Marie

    I've been with my husband 20 years (married for 16). Incredible sex those first four years (we were 19 and 21, respectively) and we've been perfecting our skillz ever since. *swooon*

    I've found that as time goes by, the act itself is faaaabulous (of course), but it's the intimacy that grows and gains so many beautiful levels. What a gift to know – as well as I know myself – every curve of the man, every birthmark, every change to his physique, his sounds, his sighs, the texture of his hair…. I've memorized everything about him. In a crowd of a thousand, I could pick him out just by the scent of his neck. This is something only time can give. And miraculously, the attraction is still as instant, and we've only grown more confident with this thing we share.

    After 20 years, we are still very much "lovers" as well as best friends.

    One promise we acknowledge frequently, in whispers, post-coitally is this: "When we're oooold – sooo ooold – please let us still be doing this".

    • Robin

      I love love love this comment! My husband & I have been married 11 years- together 14- and sure, we may not have sex as often as we used to, but it is still quite rocking. We're super-affectionate and I want to climb him like a tree most days.

      • Marie

        I love that, Robin!!! "I want to climb him like a tree"!!

        LOVE that!!

        • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

          Ah….what a lovely exchange. Lovely! Great writing, Marie! It's like a Hallmark card for adults! Seriously: very nicely done.

  • erika

    dude, you are a scary mo fo.

  • Susan Golian

    Oh – too funny, too good to not share with my own personal bigfoot.

    Probably the most wonderful thing my husband brought to the marriage bed is his willingness to literally ANYTHING that floats my boat. If I said I needed to be duct-taped to the fridge door and whipped lightly with fettucine noodles while he sang the Volga Boatman song, he'd come running in and say, "Honey, we only have angel-hair pasta in the house – do you want me to run to the store?"

    OK, remember: I said "if" at the beginning of that last sentence.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      WHAT? What is going ON in this comment thread? What have I unleashed here?

      Oh, great. Now I want to buy some duct tape.

      Curse you, Susan Golian!

      • Don Whitt

        John, Given your naturally woolly self, you may want to sidestep the duct tape. Ouch.

        • Don Whitt

          Oh, and I now think of you as Ankh-l Buck, by the way.

  • http://dianer.blogspot.com/ DR

    I kind of want to go old school on this blog Geocities style and have the "Let's Talk About Sex, Bay-bee" playing as someone clicks here.

    I know there's a hacker out there somewhere who owes me a favor.

    • http://www.johnshore.wordpress.com John Shore

      Love it. I almost titled this piece, "Let's Talk About Sex."

  • http://chadestes.com Chad Estes

    This post is worthless without pics.

    Not that any of us actually want to see them…

    • http://heckledtrio.wordpress.com Helly

      Dude! Be careful what you wish for! :-P

    • http://skerrib.blogspot.com skerrib

      Helly's right–don't encourage him!

      John–we're good just envisioning your, um, hieroglyphics. Thanks.

  • Tim

    Vouz le vous TO SHAVE avec moi?

    Sorry, my mind is broken.

  • gooseberrybush

    This post is funny. But I gotta say that I enjoyed Marie's comments more than I enjoyed the post itself. What real poetry! It was an extremely effective testimonial for married sex. I hope I get to try it someday.

    :)

  • Heavenly

    R u people nuts?! (no pun intended). Here I am suffering nail-biting single celibacy for *gasp* ___ years while waiting for the right him to descend upon me (pun intended) only to hear the marrieds are NOT doing it? You mean there's more celibacy (or whatever it's called when the marrieds don't do it) ahead?! Oy! Time to remove my rose colored glasses… *sigh* *moan*

  • http://whatsleftinthechurch.blogspot.com Geoffrey

    Weighing in on the whole "marriage kills sex" thing – my wife and I just celebrated our seventeenth anniversary this past spring, and we have discovered that if we are deliberate and conscious and conscientious about making time for fun and frolicking, it becomes a sign of mutual desire, respect, and love.

    Even in our mid-forties, the sex is awesome, and it reinforces all the good stuff in our marriage.

    Rather than rely on fading hormones, or simple lustful attraction (I am a weird Christian because I think lust is a healthy part of any good relationship), if you have to whip out the daily planner and scratch in "Get It On", then do it. Just amek sure the door is locked and the dog is inside the room so he doesn't scratch and whine at the bedroom door.

    Also, as an addition, all our time together has made our lovemaking so much better because we know exactly what to do to get started, to keep the interest from flagging and to finish with a flourish. I doesn't get boring because it isn't about getting off, it's about love.

    I might just try the whole shaving stuff in body hair, although it might be a stencil of "Property Of" or something like that. . .

  • Brandi

    "But the point is, married sex is no joke. Oh, sure, you can try to crack a joke or two during married sex, but never forget that there’s a very fine line between someone laughing at your joke, and someone 'accidentally' doing something that causes you to walk funny for a week."

    Sooooooo funny!!! I was at a car repair shop when I read this and laughed out loud pretty obnoxiously…I couldn't help it!!! Was on the receiving end of some annoyed glances :)

  • Gina Powers

    Uhhhh….I'm actually one of the advocates of premarital sex….can we still be buds? :)

  • Bottomlinelife

    gosh, some people just underestimate married sex. yes, it does depend on the two individuals involved in the relationship and how committed they are, as well as the knowledge of just how important sex is to both partners. I have only been married a little over a year, but it is extremely satisfying. My husband and I engage in sexual activity often, usually every other day if not every day, and it’s impacted our lives positively a tremendous amount. so whatever people may say, married sex is not ‘worse’ in any way than an unmarried couple’s – it has many more benefits in my opinion, and that’s only physically.


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X