He Stomped Her and Gave Her Chlamydia. But at Least She Has a Boyfriend!

The below just came in as a comment to my Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of Them.

Young woman who wrote this: Read the whole article. Okay? Read. It.

And then get the bleep out already.

Know this, girl: Your “boyfriend” needs you a lot more than you need him. He’s just afraid you’ll realize that and leave his stupid, cowardly ass. Do, and do. Quit being the sponge this vain clown pisses on.

I am sooooooooo tired of getting emails like this. And from a girl who’s only twenty-three?

Girl: Join us out here in Sanity Land. You’ll love it out here.

Out here, women don’t get beaten up. And if ever they do—if ever someone from Bullshitville crosses over into our world, and plys his ugly trade here—we men who are good surround that bad, severely mistaken man, and help him finally and forever understand why it’s so wrong for one person to ever hit another.

Join us! Come on over! You’ll love it over here!

And we’ll love you.

Here’s the letter this girl wrote this morning:

I haven’t read the whole article as yet, but everything your saying is true. i find it so strange that the exact same things you’re saying is the exact same thing i am going through. i have been in my relationship for 7 years and I am 23. we were very young when we both meet but I fell in love instantly even though his friends warned me he was a ladies man and all that, that he wasn’t one to be trusted. he never showed that side to me. he was always warm, loving, very dependable, he was my best friend. i never knew what love felt like until i met him. of course i had my suspicions girls calling all the time, he locking his phone so i won’t get into it. When he started to go to a different university to me, that’s when things took a turn for the worse. I would see messages from girls saying they miss him and they want to be with him, and when i confronted him about it he would get defensive and didn’t want to talk about it. we eventually moved in together, and that’s when the fighting start. first it was verbally, mostly on my part because i was angry with his infidelities. i would quarrel for hours then cry myself to sleep. Then i started to lash out at him because he would remain silent when i accused him. he never fought back. but i was hurt, emotionally, physically and mentally drained.

One day he eventually hit me and stomped on my chest so hard i could not breathe, and i coughed up blood. This was the first time he hit me and it won’t be the last. Once he even told me the truth about his infidelities, and i left promising never to return. But i stupidly did, i hate the fear of being alone and he use to make me feel wanted. Give me just enough love to keep me coming back and i still stayed even when everybody even my family members were telling me he was cheating on me, even my younger cousin (whom he did not know was my cousin)said he tried to come on to her. it just got from bad to worse. some months ago i found out i had chlamydia, and i have never slept with anyone but him and i found out late and even thought i took the antibiotics i might not be able to have children of my own.

Currently, i am sleeping on the couch because the latest is he had sex twice with one of his study partners on our bed. I don’t know how much more i could take of this, i keep telling my self after i graduate i would leave him because i am just not strong enough right now. For years i have been telling myself there is a good side to him and he would change. But there is a fear and out of everything I’ve been through i think the emotional and mental abuse has been the worse. at least with the physical i could see the scars that reminds me, but the emotional i can’t see the scars until now.

Reading this article has opened my eyes to my denial of emotional and mental abuse and i just can’t seem to leave and i know why i stayed, because he instills fear in me.

For the times he’s told me that i would never make it on my own and nobody would want somebody like me and he is the only one who could put up with my behavior and no man would ever love me and i would end up miserable and alone. I’m afraid to be alone. The times he told me i can’t do anything for my self and i don’t have enough money to live on my own and my own car to get around and what would my family think of me. I have been in an abusive relationship for years and never realized what it has done to me.

This is not the person i want to be for the rest of my life and i intend to do something about it. Thanks very much

[Oh, and if you're on Facebook, go vote for Encinitas Community Resource Center on this Facebook poll. My wife works for CRC. They help change the lives of victims of domestic violence.]

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About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. John is a pastor ordained by The Progressive Christian Alliance. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. And don't forget to sign up for his mucho awesome monthly newsletter.

  • Mindy

    “i hate the fear of being alone.” Sweetie – I was just like you at one point in my life; actually, for too long a part of my life. What I finally, FINALLY learned is that being alone is far different from “being on my own.” When you are on your own, you are alone by choice, you have taken control of your life. He is keeping you from meeting friends who will expand your world, from getting involved in meaningful projects in your community, from showing the world your true, brilliant self, and from meeting men who are good. From finding someone who *really* loves you – because he doesn’t. He is too damaged, and YOU CAN’T FIX HIM.

    Your job is to fix YOU, to take care of YOU. Find a little place that is all your own, finish school, figure out who you want to be when you grow up, find a good therapist and perhaps get yourself a cat. :)

    Leave him, and never look back. You deserve so much more than he can ever give you – but you’ll never find it until you find yourself. Best of luck – it IS possible, and you will be free!!!

  • Rebecca

    I met my emotionally (but never physically) abusive man when I was 16. He was charming and pulled me out of my emotionally (but never physically) abusive family situation. I married him at 20, had a baby at 23, and another at 32. I finally had enough and stood up for myself 18 months ago, when I was 37. My girls and I are doing fine… my friends have never seen me so happy. It’s nice out here… just take the first step… it IS possible.

  • Rebeca

    One of the hardest lessons to impart to the young women who I encounter is that it’s better to be alone than with someone who is unworthy of you. “Cast not thy pearls before the swine,” is excellent advice. You are worth so much more than this, and you deserve to be loved and treated with dignity and respect. Get out now, while there are no children involved, because it will be only that much harder if you become a mother with this monster. Please know that the world is a better place with you IN it, not dead and gone, so do something concrete TODAY to move out of this vicious bondage and into the sunlight of wellness. If you need help finding resources in your area to give you the extra help you need to get yourself free, contact the Rape Abuse Incest National Network ( http://www.rainn.org/ ) and they’ll connect you to the helping hand you need where you are. My thoughts are prayers are with you in your journey towards health and love.

    *big hugs*

  • Heather

    You know being alone feels like?

    Remember back when you were a young teen and your parents were out for the day or evening and you had the house to yourself? That feeling of relaxation, of opening the fridge and picking out what you want to eat. That feeling of possibility where you think to yourself, do I want to play around on the computer? Do I want to hang out with some friends? Do I want to just vedge out and watch TV?

    THAT’S what being alone feels like.

    Too often there are images in movies and TV of being alone as that poor pathetic girl in the corner of the party, yearning to join others in dancing or conversation. But that’s not living on your own. Living on your own doesn’t mean you don’t have friends. Living alone means you have the utter choice of calling whatever friend you want and invite them to hang out, go to the movies, or go out to dinner.

    Living as an adult is actually pretty easy. Yes, some hard times will come, but you will have friends and family to help you. You’ve actually gone through pretty much the worst adulthood can throw at you by living with someone so abusive for years, so you’ll be very surprised at how easy day to day life is. But if you are not sure, call RAINN. Call a local shelter. They’ll show you the way out.

    The path of your life may seemed blocked, but all you have to do is move back those branches and you’ll discover a very nice path to follow.

    • Ruthie

      THIS. A thousand times this.

      Being alone is actually quite nice. And if you don’t feel like being alone, you won’t have to be. There’s plenty of company out there, gals, guys, and guys-looking-for-gals.

    • http://benhusmann.com Ben

      Thank you, Heather, this response is amazing.

    • http://www.shadsie.deviantart.com Shadsie

      I had the day off today and my guy (who is a good person who resides in Sanity Land) was off on some work-thing for the job he just got. Aside from the cat, I’ve been alone all day and it’s been AWESOME. Not feeling well, I slept a bit, watched a little Spongebob Squarepants just because I could and played one of my new favorite video games for hours on end. That’s how “alone” is! Then again, solitude is my preferred state most of the time. It can be simple, free…

      I know not everyone is a loner like I am, though. Some people really feel a need to have someone with them all the time. Abusers don’t deserve, though. Just seek, get help, and you’ll be surprised at the people you’ll find on your side. Maybe you’ll even fall in love again, with somone who actually deserves it.

    • DR

      YES.

  • http://ricbooth.wordpress.com/ Ric Booth

    Girl: Please, listen to John.

  • Don Rappe

    Go get some help baby. You probably can’t do it on your own. That part where you keep after him until he responds physically is bad bad chemistry. You need to stay somewhere where you’re protected from him and get at least a little therapy. I’ll pray for you tonight. Why wait?

  • DR

    Oh man. I see you and hear you, this was very important that you wrote in and the woman in you that did deserves some recognition. Let us recognize her enough where you might consider acknowledging her as well. Because she’s brave.

    You’re already strong enough. You are. This is one of those kinds of “strong” that you are, but you just don’t feel it yet, making a huge move is what we do when we stop thinking – sometimes our brains are working on overtime and we thinkthinkthink until what could “possibly” happen – you not being able to make it on your own – is what will “probably” happen. So we don’t make a move.

    You need to know that the “it’s probable, not possible” thinking is really common and it’s harder when we’re vulnerable. When we’re dependent upon someone who doesn’t have the capacity to love well, we tend to disconnect from how we feel – what we know, down to the bone. Those feelings are squashed, dismissed, excused away because we’re scared of what we’ll have to do when we allow ourselves to feel them and face them. We don’t want to lose the little love we believe we have and might not ever have again, so we hold on and hope things will change. Our imagination becomes a filter through which our hope for things improving seems to actually *happen* in our minds. But they don’t. Because false hope is really just postponed grief. Leaving him is going to hurt. But the *imagined* pain of when you have to feel that, picturing yourself along is MUCH worse than actually experiencing it! Our imagination triples that pain in our minds. When in fact, we can endure it when it’s actually happening.

    Being “strong” doesn’t mean you’re scared you can’t do it! It means being really scared of being on your own, turning off your brain and *doing* it. Seriously, we all go through that, I’m a woman who at the age of 40, moved out of my little home town for the first time to California where I didn’t know anyone and I started completely over. And it was so scary. I was all by myself so many times. But I found out that I could actually do that! And be OK! I had no idea I would be OK alone and listened to a lot of people who told me I couldn’t ever make it on my own. But I realized they were scared of me moving forward because it shed light on the fact that they weren’t taking risks in their own lives. Miserable people want you to be just as unhappy and unsuccessful as they are.

    This is going to sound difficult. I’m sorry if it does. But my friend? He hates you. And you’ve done absolutely NOTHING to earn it. He hates women. He will do this again and find a woman who believes she’s worthy of being hated. There was more than likely, a man in your life who made you feel like you deserved little to nothing so you’re working your way back to that feeling because it’s familiar. This is going to mean you being open to actually, feeling happy – secure – worthy. Ask yourself why you’re denying yourself those experiences. Ask yourself what happened to the guard by the door who protects you from those thoughts when he suggests you can’t make it on your own. That guard is there, and she’s you. Put her to work. You deserve her protection.

    Much love to you. You’re ready. You don’t feel ready and you won’t. But you’re ready because you wrote this. Take the step, start living and acting as if you were already on your own. Live as though he’s just moved out of town. It’s time.

  • Jeannie

    I actually enjoy being “alone” right now. It has it’s wonderful moments. And, nothing compares to anything as wonderful as freedom. I get to do what I want to do. I get to say what I want to say. I get to wear what I want to wear. I have friends and many people to hang out with. And, the best part about those people is that they all make me feel good about myself and bring out the best in me. After a decade of being with a man who constantly made me feel terrible and brought out the worst in me, I am really enjoying life now.

    Please don’t be afraid. Get help if you need to. There are so many of us who have been where you are. We know what it feels like. We are cheering for you. We get excited by your freedom. Please read the whole article. Please know that I will begin to pray for you. You can do this. You are so valuable. Please don’t let anyone, especially a boyfriend, make you doubt that.

  • Debbie

    Being alone and loneliness are two different things. I think you already know loneliness. The truth about life is that we are not really ever alone. You discovered that in reading John’s article. And many have responded with their shared experience. Listen to them show you the way out and into the beautiful wonder of what your life is meant to be. Seek help, there are many who will take you by the hand and help you walk from the dark for the last time and then you can dance light and free. Save you sweet lady!


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