Bible Character Bingo!

So one of those inane “which type of underwear are you?” quizzes floated across my radar the other day and finally caught my attention. Although I’ve passed up the scintillating “Which Disney Prince Would Be Your One True Love?” and the self abusive “Which Wedding Dress Style is Right for You”, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to find out Which Bible Character I Am. After taking the 8-question quiz from folks at QuizSocial it was determined that I am Jonah.  Along with the name I was given a handy-dandy description of Jonah to better help me understand how this highly scientific analysis matched my personality with Jonah.

Here is the description of Johan (provided by the same folks who called The Gospels A BOOK of the Bible, seem to think the Book of Revelation is spelled Revelations and only included three women out to the ten possible matches.)

“When tempers erupt, your cool thinking springs into action. You have the power to calm the anger before situations turn violent. You also have a Herculean strength that helps you suffer through long periods of pain without experiencing a broken spirit. As many people have probably told you, I do not know how you do it.”

Wow, I mean just wow. I mean that sure doesn’t sound much like the Jonah of the Bible I’ve been reading. Now, since it seems, not unlike many American “Christians”, the quiz architects at QuizSocial have never actually bothered to read the Bible. No worries.  They are super nice and even helped me unlock all 10 Bible characters to whom a quiz taker could be likened.  After some thought, a little encouragement from some friends and a handful of people willing to take the quiz to see who they were assigned, I thought I would help the less biblically literate among with an alternate list of descriptions for the handful of characters worthy of making the quiz. It took a minute since I decided to re-read each book of the bible that featured these stars and even consulted a commentary or two just for good measure.

Now is a good time for a shout-out and effusive thanks for the gracious editing and brilliant additions of Margaret Aymer Oget who just happens to be a kick-ass New Testament scholar, cool mamma and great friend.

And now, for your dancing and dining pleasure…

Esther – Though a pawn in a patriarchal society you quickly learn to use the gifts bestowed upon you to masterfully manipulate the patriarchal power brokers in your life. As the quintessential biblical soap opera star, you are willing to break the law, stab allies in the back and inaugurate one hell of a drunken party that shall be reenacted every year.  You are like the queen of Mardi Gras only with a little more infanticide. Huzzzah!

Daniel – You are a dedicated vegetarian and an all around bad-ass. Then all of a sudden, it’s like you dropped a cosmic tab of acid dude!  You see visions and talk to angels. With your keen insight and flare for the dramatic you gain favor with the elite.  You can totally survive a a death-match with any beast thrown your way. Keep calm and dream on!

Gabriel – You are showin’ up all over the place.  From hanging out at the dream interpretation chat room with your pal Daniel to delivering some righteous good news to some cool old farts and that freaked out girl in Nazareth, you really know now to be in the right place at the right time. Well except for that whole overseeing the Garden of Eden (especially serpents) job.  Damn dude, way to fall asleep on the job.

Job – You are about as good as it gets. As a shining example of faith and fortitude you of course send up the object of a vicious frat-boy dare between Good and Evil. A pox upon your house! Because you take your relationship with God seriously you are not willing to swallow shallow moralistic clichés and know when to tell your self-righteous friends to kiss your blameless ass. You’re not afraid to shake a furious fist at God or to shut your trap when God finally answers.  A thousand blessings upon your house!

John the Baptist – You have a proclivity for wearing freakishly wooly clothes, living in wild places and eating things that really gross out your friends .  You really dig dunking your pals in the closest water source. Regardless of your favor with the most high and your relationship with his son, your outlook ain’t so great. Don’t bother buying any hats.

Jonah – When called to bring God’s message to city of foreigners, you run so far away that you’d rather be swallowed by a beast that do what God asks of you. You are petulant, self-righteous asshat when God bestows mercy and grace on those outside YOUR plans.  Somehow your shenanigans make you a hero of the bible. I do not know how you do it.

Mary Magdalene – Known by your home town you are no man’s property.  A resourceful woman, you are willing to pour out all you have on those you love. You have survived great mental disorders and because of your relentless faithfulness you are the witness of great compassion, tremendous suffering and miraculous love and forgiveness. When someone has something life-altering to reveal, you are the first they come to. They even write gospels about you, as time goes on. And still some asshats want to insist that you were a sex worker.

Luke – Rumor has it you’re a gifted healer and count as your companions the most learned men of your time.  A bit of an outsider, you quickly bond with a small group of passionate writers and leaders. Not only do you dig a good narrative, you turn out to be prolific writer, skilled in many styles. You absolutely reek with the highest hope for all humankind. But dude, a shipwreck and a snake on an island: Isn’t that jumping the shark a bit?

Peter – Oh man, you totally rock! Born into a life on the water, making ends meet the best you can, you follow your heart to devote yourself to learning universals truths about love, justice and peace.  You are the insider of insiders and get glimpses of what others only dare to dream. Even though you are a total dufus theologically, you turn out to be ultimate church planter and others will do their dead-level best to imitate you.

Mary – After running from the authorizes as a poor, unwed, pregnant teenager you hook up with an older man who commits to loving you and taking great care of you and your Son by Another. And after you stick with that crazy child literally through death and back, he takes off and promises to leave you his Spirit. He couldn’t call?

I encourage you to go take the quiz in question and then compare the character description you get with my descriptions here.  

I also invite you to write a blurb for one of the hundreds of characters missing from the woefully anemic list available in the quiz.