We face a crisis of epic proportions!

Reliable sources inform me that Fr. Z is leading me by a slight 60% to 7% margin in the About.com “Best Catholic blog” contest. There is a statistical error factor in play here, so I suspect we are actually tied, but still it does appear that you, my craven lickspittles, have not been doing all you can to vote under aliases, seduce and bribe Scott Richert, and send threatening email to Fr. Z to frighten him out of the running. This displeases me. Your rations of thin watery gruel are reduced to one a day till the situation improves.

Fr. Z is, of course, an honorable man. So are his followers, all honorable men and women. And I certainly would not, therefore, mention that many of his readers are known thespians or are related to, or have stood next to, or have purchased goods from vegetarians, unitarians, and Presbyterians. I’m not trying to suggest that any of this would impugn the good Father’s credentials as a Real Catholic (such as myself) but I’m just saying that it would be a tragedy if, in the rush to follow the herd, a contest to determine which blog is *truly* popular should devolve into a mere popularity contest.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that Fr. Z’s blog is good in its way and that he is *probably* not just pretending to be a priest as he works to enslave us to alien anti-American influences with equally foreign-sounding names like “Zuhlsdorf”. But since we can’t really be sure, wouldn’t it be wiser to just go ahead and vote for my blog? Oh sure, “charity” says that you should credit his claim to be a priest in good standing and not an agent of Al-Quaeda or the German-American Bund. But in this Age of Terror, wouldn’t you feel sick to find out you’d been duped?

And besides, you handsome, beautiful, intelligent and deeply holy people understand that, while I am legally required to *say* I will offer no goods or services in compensation for what bourgeois morality calls “buying” your vote, I should also note that there is nothing in the rules about what agreements or transactions may occur once the voting period is over. I’m just sayin’.

In conclusion, I scare because I care. And I care because I just *love* you all so much that I could just gobble you up, you cuddly, adorable, won-der-ful readers!

Vote early. Vote often. Vote ME!

Or the German-American Bund will already have won!

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  • Dale Price

    I’ve done what I can, Bleak One.

    My proposal: switch from “Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves” to “Beatings Will Accelerate Until Morale Improves.”

    • Mark Shea

      I like the cut of your jib!

  • Tim Shipe

    just punched my ballot for ya- we will get you to 7% or die tryin..

  • joye

    Yeah, and how about those birds he’s always feeding. Should a priest enable their weaknesses? GET A JOB, BIRDIES.

  • Kml

    Mark, after searching my conscience I voted for you in spite of deep reservations over the the fact that you are a practicing ginger. May God have mercy on my soul.

  • Mark Duch


    I have actually assisted at a Mass said by Fr. Z in Manhattan, so I can vouch for his authenticity as a priest. You, however, for all I know, are a Canadian lumberjack sent to infiltrate the Church in the U.S. with your beard.

    • Mark Shea

      Sure thing, Mr. “Duch”. Or should I say, DEUTSCH? Can’t you German-American Bund fiends even come up with plausible aliases?

      • Mark Duch

        Donakail! I have been discovered! I must retreat, schnell!

  • Will

    Everyone knows that Shea is unelectable and can’t beat Zuhlsdorf. Besides, Shea is a nut, and is a racist Nazi who is homophobic and pro-gay-marriage. You know it is true, because I,with my superior knowledge, tell you so, so you don’t need to actually waste time reading and listening to him.

  • Sherry Weddell

    I have heard and obeyed, oh dark and viscious One!

  • Sherry Weddell

    Viscious – I like that. It sounds even more evviilllll.

  • JDH

    It has been done, Your Dark Lordship.

  • I forgot that we are both practicing gingers. So you win my vote for today!

  • Frank Weathers

    See what happens when I take a break from blogging? My ally gets bushwacked by the hordes of Father Z. admirers. Goodness me. Off to vote for you now.

    p.s. Who nominated ya’ll, anyway?

    • Mark Shea

      Beats me.