The Truth is Exposed!

A few days ago, I learned the horrifying truth!

Catholics are actually ancient Egyptian sun worshippers!

But that’s only the tip of the huge conspiracy!!!!

ESV Giant Print Bible (Genuine Leather, Black)monolith

Using the sound principle “round thing looks like other round thing, therefore same thing” we can likewise deduce “black rectangle looks like other black rectangle, therefore Bible Believing Christians worship ancient evolution-causing aliens who turn astronauts into giant space babies”.

I will pay a thousand dollars to the first person who can convince me that I’m wrong about this.  It is literally impossible to argue with my logic.

  • Mike

    “..the whole business of Comparative Mythology is made up of shallow
    parallels; that is, of superficial resemblances which cover deep and
    fundamental divisions. I have legs and a table has legs; if I am large
    and round, it is also possible for a table to be large and round.
    Therefore I am the legendary counterpart, or possibly the mythical
    origin, of the Round Table. But if I modestly advance this claim, it may
    occur to some that the differences between a man and a table are
    fundamental; while the resemblances between table-legs and merely human
    legs are superficial; they are in fact almost metaphorical. A man is
    alive and walks about; a table seldom does so, save under the moral
    influence of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle…So we commonly
    find in current discussions a pretence of finding things roughly similar
    when they are radically different; as if a man were accused of
    splitting hairs because he obstinately distinguished between feathers
    and ferns.”

    -G.K. Chesterton, Chaucer (1932)

  • Steve

    This goes alongside the, “[Christian holiday] takes place in close seasonable proximity to [pagan holiday]. Therefor [Christian holiday] is actually a celebration of [pagan holiday].”

    The most famous one is Christmas and Saturnalia. But as far as I’m concerned, the winter is dark, cold, and depressing. If the pagans had a good idea in putting a big festival in the center of it, why not copy such a good idea? (That’s assuming we did copy the placement, which itself might not be true)

    • Ye Olde Statistician

      Especially since Christmas and Saturnalia do no actually coincide!

      • wlinden

        But that’s because those no-good Christians, not content with stealing “Pagan” holidays, changed the dates!

        • Rebecca Fuentes

          We change Easter every year JUST to annoy the pagans.

  • Sally Wilkins

    Put the Chick tract down and slowly back away . . .

  • wlinden

    While neon-pagans tell us that “A thing’s a female symbol if it’s deeper than it’s broad…”

    • Heather

      And, of course, everyone knows that if a thing is longer than it’s wide…..

    • Ye Olde Statistician

      Hey, wait. Is that a deliberate juxtaposition of “female” and “broad”? How dare you!

      • Fr. Denis Lemieux

        Dame you! Dame your eyes!

  • ivan_the_mad


    • Jon W

      Reminds me of the time Star Trek threw us a bone.

      • Alexander S Anderson

        Admittedly, though, that was all part of Gene Roddenberry’s weird Hegelian view of history, where everything progresses along the same lines, until it hits the magical point where the civilization became “advanced”.

        • Jon W

          Oh, interesting. I didn’t know that about Roddenberry.

      • Jordan Keith Chesterton

        Not a treky. Fill me in?

  • Jared B.

    No one could hope to debunk logic—or grammar—that concludes with “a giant space babies”!! :-O I for one welcome our new ancient Egyptian overlords that came through the Stargate and invented the papacy.

  • Liam

    Mark, i think you’re the first person to bring this to my attention who wasn’t a pot head.

  • James

    Uh oh, we have one who sees.

  • Rosemarie


    Wait, we’re sun worshippers? I thought we worship pine cones.

    • Rebecca Fuentes

      Of course not! We worship banners.

  • Joel

    Sun worshippers in Seattle must lead very depressing lives.

  • Guillermo Morales

    It’s impressive how people is always trying to destroy good things. There’s no prove that this theory is right and there’s no actual info about this, as always is another speculation trying to harm the Catholics.