Communication Within Marriage

It’s impossible to have a strong and vibrant relationship without good communication and consensus. Building a strong marriage means learning how to talk things through, and then coming to a clear agreement on important matters.

Good communication is a learned skill. Unfortunately, most of us have never learned to communicate effectively.

I often teach that there are three types of communication: reactive, radioactive, and proactive.

Most of us engage primarily in reactive communication. Someone does or says something offensive and we react to it with negativity. This is what I did with Karen early in our marriage, and it created a lot of trouble. If she said something I disagreed with, I would react quickly and with hostility.

Almost every couple who comes to me for counseling shows a history of reactive communication. It is never healthy.

Another unhealthy interaction is radioactive communication. This is when topics become such a source of conflict that you simply can’t discuss them anymore. They turn toxic.

With Karen and me, money became a radioactive topic. I spent too much of it. She wanted to save it. We just couldn’t ever broach the subject without it turning into an ugly fight. Both of us knew we would argue, so we stopped talking about money altogether.

The result was even worse. We both just ended up quietly fuming about each other’s financial habits and opinions, and this led to deeper resentment.

I’ve counseled many, many married couples who are dealing with conflicts and resentment caused by radioactive communication.

Proactive communication is the only healthy form of marital engagement. This is where you see a topic that needs to be discussed and you tackle it head-on. You set a specific time and place to talk over an issue. Then, when the moment arrives, you discuss it calmly and objectively while maintaining a loving, patient attitude.

You explain your position. You listen as your spouse explains his or her position. Then you both commit to finding a healthy compromise. Proactive communication is the only effective way to deal with conflict because it is focused on finding a solution.

It is difficult to find solutions when your communication involves snapping back (reactive) or avoiding an issue (radioactive).

If you have areas of sensitive or recurring conflict, I suggest setting aside specific times to discuss your differences calmly and graciously. Then, once you both speak and listen to each other, pursue a workable solution together. This can be an invaluable tool for overcoming conflict.

Remember Ephesians 4:29—“Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your months, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”