One Good Phrase: Sarah Bessey (Calm your heart)

Someday I may list my top five bloggers of the universe. And if I do, Sarah Bessey will be there on that very short list. Her words move me and challenge me and, best of all, she always says it beautiful. (Also, now’s a good time to confess that some of the “One Good Phrases” I’ve learned from reading Sarah are on repeat in my home.) So glad to have her here.

 

My parents are not writers, they did not grow up as devout readers of literature or poetry, and they value words more than anyone else I know. My father and mother believe that life and death are in the power of the tongue and so they have always been careful about the words they say to us. I was reading an interview with Maya Angelou recently and she said, “Those negative words climb into the woodwork and into the furniture, and the next thing you know they’ll be on my skin.” I recognised her words from my parents’ actions.

Words have gravity and weight. Not in a “name it and claim it” sort of thing with admonishments about “watching your confession.” Nope – I had enough of that in the Word of Faith days in the 80s. But I see my life – and the lives of my tinies, my husband, even my work as a writer – as fertile ground.  And the words I scatter so carelessly around me can take root in the hearts and minds of us all, giving a narrative deep in the core about ourselves, the God we love, each other and our world. I am conscious of sowing words of life and freedom.

The hardest part of writing this essay for Micha? Picking one phrase. We have dozens of “one good phrases” in our family history.  My eldest daughter already knows exactly what I mean when I tell her to “be the head and not the tail”  as she’s climbing out of the minivan during school drop-off because my parents always said that to me. (Dad also used to say “be not unequally yoked!” in regards to all the boys, but somehow I didn’t listen quite as well to that one good phrase….) “Make a quality decision” is another one. We use the phrase “Guard your gates” because their eyes and ears are gates for the hearts, so if we guard what we see or hear, then we are guarding our heart. (Quite sweet really: if a scary commercial comes on TV, the tinies clap their hands over their ears, screw their eyes shut, and holler at each other to GUARD YOUR GATES!) I also have a little homemade sign in our house that proclaims “We use our words to love each other” because I cannot tell you how many times I say it – it’s for the tinies and it’s also for my life on the Internet. I have pet phrases I use often in my writing life, they are my darlings, and I won’t kill them off just yet (sorry, William Faulkner, maybe someday…).

But for this week, for our world, I’ll tell you a bit about this one: Calm your heart. It started when I had only one small toddler in my care. If there is one thing toddlers do very well, it’s lack of proportion in their response to the world. (Can I get an amen?) Woe betide you if the food touches the other kind of food, and heaven help us all if someone else wants a turn with the spatula. When toddlers are delighted, their whole body proclaims it. When toddlers are frustrated or angry, watch out. So when my first little toddler would become angry or despondent, I would press my hand to her chest and quietly say, “Calm your heart.”

I don’t know why I did it. I’ve never heard or seen anyone else do it. But for years now, when the tinies-who-are-not-so-tiny-anymore seem overwhelmed, whiny, upset, or just plain ornery, I place my palm right over their heart, we take a deep breath, and I say, “Calm your heart, luv. Calm your heart.”

 



They cannot listen to me while their hearts are pounding with rage or fear, so the first thing I want to do is try to slow the panic. I never knew if it made a difference, but I knew that hollering at toddlers to “be quiet!” is usually counter-productive for us both. So I would tell them to calm their heart, and I would take deep breaths with them, and sometimes, in those early days, it would be me and a toddler, in a heap on the kitchen floor, taking deep breaths in gulps together, our hands pressed to each other’s chests, and I was always whispering calm for us both. Eventually, I realized that it did make a difference.

One night, we had a full house with lots of noise. It was getting late and predictably the tinies were falling into an abyss of overstimulation and whining. My eldest started to lose her composure, melting into a puddle of unmet preschooler expectations. I took her to her room for a bit of quiet and relief (for us both, I imagine). She looked up at me and said, with a sob-hiccup, Mummy, would you tell me to calm my heart? I placed my hand on her chest and did just that. She took a shaky breath and said, I need my heart to be calm. Me, too, kiddo, I said. Another night, she kept getting out of bed. The reasons became more and more fantastical – I need water and this doll baby is keeping me up and my band-aid wants a friend. I marched her back to bed with my Mum-Means-Business voice and manner. She burrowed into her sheets. Asked for kisses. And then she said, “Mum, I know what’s wrong. My heart is just not calm. Will you pray with me?” So I did. We prayed together, I put my hand on her chest, we said it together, slowly, calm your heart. She took a big breath and said, That calmed my heart right down, Mum. I think I can sleep now. And she did.

The funny thing about the simple and basic things is that they are true. If it’s true for a toddler, it’s probably true for most of us. It’s true that I need to go to bed at a reasonable hour, and I need to pray, and I need to eat real food, and I need to share, and I need to make time to rest. It’s true that I need to make quality decisions, and I need to use my words to love people. It’s true that I need to guard my gates from lies and evil and fear. And when storms and frustrations come, when I am suffering – imagined or real, when I am whiny or overstimulated or just plain ornery, when I am angry and feeling unsafe, when I am panicking and my heart is pounding and I can’t seem to get through the cloud of anger and fear and scarcity, I need to take a deep breath and I need someone to physically be present with me and I need someone to kneel on the kitchen floor, deep breathing, and I need to calm my heart to begin again, all over again.

Sarah Bessey is a writer and an award-winning blogger (www.sarahbessey.com). She lives in Abbotsford, British Columbia with her husband, Brian, and their three tines, Anne, Joseph, and Evelynn. Her first book Jesus Feminist will be published by Howard Books (an imprint of Simon & Schuster) in 2013. Sarah is an editor at A Deeper Story (www.deeperstory.com), and a contributor at SheLoves Magazine (www.shelovesmagazine.com). She is a happy clappy Jesus lover, a joyful subversive, a voracious reader, an unrepentant hashtag abuser, and a social justice wannabe.

 

 

Image Credit: epSos.de on Flickr

  • Debbie Grace

    Yes. So beautifully wise and tender. Thank you for this true gift which brought tears as I read. I shall be adding “calm your heart” to my own life as of this very morning.

    • http://www.sarahbessey.com Sarah Bessey

      Thanks, Debbie – glad to read this.

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  • http://murdenkim@wordpress.com Kim Murden

    Where did you learn to mother like that? Lovely piece, thank you

    • http://www.sarahbessey.com Sarah Bessey

      My own parents are better than any book I’ve read yet, to be honest! They set a good path.

  • http://friedokra4me.blogspot.com Megan (FriedOkra)

    I love all of these, Sarah. Good, indeed.

  • http://katieleigh.wordpress.com Katie @ cakes, tea and dreams

    I love this phrase so much – and yes, what is true for the littles is so often true for all of us.

  • http://justabitofsilliness.blogspot.com/ Dawn

    Sigh. I needed this today. Good phrase.

  • sandy

    this resonates with an article in today’s NYT: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/04/23/science/picking-up-infants-calms-by-slowing-heart-rates.html?src=recg. you have been doing intuitively what science has how researched.

    • http://www.sarahbessey.com Sarah Bessey

      VERY cool. Thanks for sharing that link!

  • http://ashleighbaker.net Ashleigh Baker

    I think I’d like to be a tiny growing up with those good phrases. We have our own phrases, and we have the habit of writing them on scrap paper and taping them to our walls. Being surrounded by good words seems to beget better actions around here.

    • http://www.sarahbessey.com Sarah Bessey

      It does, indeed.

  • http://www.livesayhaiti.com Tara Livesay

    thanks Sarah. good word. (s)

  • michaboyett

    I love the simplicity of this. This morning my son hit his brother and he had so much rage in him. When I pulled him aside, I made him feel his heartbeat and feel mine…only because of this post! And when he felt my heartbeat, his hand on my chest and mine on his, he calmed down. There’s something so instinctive about the rhythm of our hearts and that act of putting our hands on each other’s chests, even as a way to get your child to look you in the eye. Thank you, Sarah. It’s this sort of wisdom and grace that makes me love you so much. (Also, your super cool glasses.)

    • http://www.sarahbessey.com Sarah Bessey

      Now that just made my day. So glad for this (and glad my glasses meet with approval – people either love’em or hate’em).

  • http://www.emilywierenga.com emily wierenga

    Love you Sarah, and your words.

  • Sara

    I just sat and cried. I told my sister 30 minutes ago that my toddler was making me a frustrated mess. Oh, I needed this. Thank you.

  • http://susandominikovich.blogspot.co.nz Susan Dominikovich

    Thank you Sarah, this is truly beautiful. I know this is not the main point of your writing but the words that have stood out and encouraged me is “that I need to guard my gates from lies and evil and fear.” I have spent most of my Christian life taking it for granted I was safe. So having recently faced those three very things and going into self-protection mode, part of me still thinks I am over-reacting. But you have reminded me that I can guard my gates while remaining calm in the knowledge Jesus is guarding them with me. Thank you.

  • http://maeven-wordsonpaper.blogspot.ca/ Catherine

    My roommate and I do this!

  • http://Www.Tanyamarlow.com Tanya Marlow

    Oh Sarah – I love your wisdom! And your telling of this, the magic of your words, makes me feel simultaneously teary and calmed. I shall treasure this one.

  • Rachel

    I emailed this to my own mom after I finished bawling like a baby and wiped the tears off my keyboard. :) It reminded me how thankful I am for my mom who prayed with me often. I found your blog (Sarah) a few months ago. I now have my husband checking it out, too. So thankful for your words.

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  • http://dianatrautwein.com Diana Trautwein

    Absolutely lovely, Sarah. Genius, actually. Thank you.

    • Jennie

      Yos

  • Jennie

    Beautiful

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