I am quite frustrated in my marriage and it stems from issues of sex and intimacy. I have been married for 15 years, and we have four children, the youngest just started Kindergarten. My marriage has devolved into almost a roommate situation. My wife has no interest in sex, and she never shows me any affection whatsoever.
This became an issue for me early in our marriage, and we used to argue/fight over this subject. At that time, I felt very angry. Today the anger is giving way to feelings of self-pity and hopelessness.
Throughout my marriage I have been plagued by the fear that I made a mistake asking my wife to marry me. I feel some regret, as though I made the wrong choice to marry this person.
My wife never touches me. No hand holding, no hugs, no pat on the back – nothing. She has absolutely no interest in sex. She never initiates it, and when I do it is not uncommon for her to protest that she is tired. When she does go along with it, she just lies there and does nothing. She does not touch me, kiss me, talk to me or anything else. She literally will just lie there and do nothing, waiting for it to be over. It has all become somewhat mechanical and monotonous. She absolutely refuses to consider oral sex, saying that it is gross; and she does not want to use her hand to pleasure me, either.
I do not want to get divorced because the children are young, and I feel strongly that children need a father in the home everyday. I feel stuck. I feel like my wife misled me when we were dating. I feel that people who do not want to be affectionate and sexual HAVE NO BUSINESS GETTING MARRIED. It seems like my only option is to “endure to the end,” however, the thought of spending forever with this person is somewhat depressing.
- Was the sex ever good between the two of you, or did you face problems from the get-go?
- Is there a history of sexual trauma for your wife? What about other sexual baggage?
- What were the “sexual messages” you both received from your parents? Did you both have the opportunity to see affection, romance, and playfulness role modeled or not?
- What did the deterioration of your relationship look like? What were the main issues that came up? Was it only sex or were there other factors involved?
- Has your communication about this issue mainly come from a place of anger? Or have you been able to discuss this in a more calm atmosphere?
- Do you think your wife feels the same way about your relationship? What would she add to this story?
- Have you told your wife the things you have told me?
- Have the two of you discussed the possibility of divorce? In other words, does your wife realize how badly this issue is affecting you?
- Would you be willing to get professional help with or without her?