How do I make sex exciting for my wife?

Natasha-
I can’t express enough how much I have enjoyed your blog and thank you for the information you have made available to your readers.
I have a question or am in need of guidance rather.
I have been happily married for over ten years (3 kids) and enjoy an amazing sex-life with my wife. We have sex 4-5 times a week and there are ZERO complaints from my end. She has no complaints either-as far as I know. Lately she has been making sex more exciting for me. Different lingerie, different positions, oral , etc. which I appreciate greatly. My problem is I am a dude. It’s hard for me to come up with ideas on how to make sex exciting for her without feeling cheesy or made-up. I don’t want to buy male lingerie (is that even available?) because I will feel dumb. I always just end up getting naked and laying in bed which I’m sure she is getting tired of but won’t tell me so.  Once we start fooling around I feel I can bring my “A Game” with oral sex and different positions. But I would like to seduce her with things that women like or prefer.
Bottom line- What works for women???

I need your advice on how to make initiating sex exciting for my wife.
Thank you for your time.

So glad you are enjoying the blog – thanks for the compliments.

First and foremost, I’m glad to see that you are a thoughtful enough husband to 1. recognize the efforts your wife is making, and 2. want to reciprocate and please her as much as she is pleasing you.  You are definitely on the right track!  Secondly, make sure you guys celebrate the success you’ve already achieved.  From what you describe – it sounds like you are already at a very good place.  Congratulations!

Third, although I will go ahead and give you some suggestions – every individual is sexually different.  There is no “one size fits all women” when it comes to sexual tastes, desires, fantasies, turn-ons, etc.  Therefore, your two main friends will be communication and experimentation. 

I would encourage you to start with the communication piece.  Have you expressed to her your appreciation for her efforts?  Have you told her how amazing it is to have a wife who is willing to seek out and meet your sexual desires and needs?  When things are going good – I definitely encourage people to say so and to say so often.  The other communication piece is to explain to her what you’ve explained to me.  That you are wanting to reciprocate.  That you want to please her and prioritize her sexual needs.  That you are willing to experiment.  And you are wondering if she is aware of any things she might want you to try?  The reason why I include the word “aware,” is because for the most part women have not been conditioned or educated to be in touch with their sexual desires, much less ask for them.  So you need to be prepared that she may not know herself what she might want.  This is why experimentation is important for both of you.   

There are some stereotypical things that seem to apply to most women in the sexual department.  Women tend to be much more psychological in their approach to sex and they tend to take longer for their arousal to get going and peak.  So mood, stress level, positive sense of self: all of these are important when looking at the complex picture of female sexuality.  Taking into account that it takes longer for arousal to take place, it behooves men to pace themselves when taking part in foreplay.  


One thing that stood out to me when reading your question was your concern about feeling “dumb,” “cheesy,” or somehow insincere.  Don’t you think your wife might feel “cheesy” or “corny” at first when she tries to seduce you in a way that is new to her?  When we attempt something new we usually feel more vulnerable.  We fear rejection or being seen as non-experienced.  This is an understandable and normal reaction and yet, should not be something that stops you from moving forward.  Expect these feelings, accept them and move on knowing that they will subside with time – especially if and when things go well.  


Now for the actual suggestions:

  • Taking time for relaxation is usually a good place to start.  The obvious things such as helping out with household chores, making sure children are out of the way, allowing for some down time before jumping into the sack are usually positive considerations.  
  • Massage and sensate focus exercises are things to look into.  Using a body oil or lotion can add to the tactile pleasure.  Blow your breath on her body. 
  • Draw her a bath with bubbles or other bath oils.  Sponge her down.  Wash her hair while giving her a scalp massage.  Take especially careful time when washing her vulva, nipples and other sensitive areas.  Shave her legs (I recommend the Venus razor with the protective bars so you don’t risk cutting her). 
  • Try wearing boxer shorts, or silky pajama bottoms with nothing underneath.  Add a muscle shirt? Wear only jeans and a big belt?  Cowboy boots?  A uniform of some sort?  Would she like seeing you in a speedo?  I’m guessing most of us won’t – but she might. :)  Ask her!
  • I’m not a huge fan of people altering themselves in ways that are painful, unnecessary and even somewhat superficial – but, depending on how you both feel about it, what about getting your chest and/or back waxed.  What about a spray tan?  Temporary or henna tattoo? 
  • Ask her to tell you one of her fantasies while you massage her or while you are actually having sex.
  • Take her up on a “only cuddling” encounter if that’s what she likes. 
  • Let herself masturbate to climax in front of you.  
  • Appeal to her senses.  Wear a new cologne.   Surprise her with a room full of lit candles.  Get flower petals and spread them on the bed.  Play some sexy or sensual music.  Get some silky sheets for your bed.  Bring food that she enjoys to the bedroom and feed her: chocolate, fruit, whipped cream.   
  • Take her on a vacation or even to a local hotel.  Sometimes a change of scenery and a guarantee that children won’t interrupt can be quite a turn on.  
  • Engage her in some “mirror” exercises.  Have her be naked, or with a top on, sitting up against you (so you are straddling her from behind – your chest up against her back).  Take a mirror and place it so you can both see her labia minora and majora and clitoris.  Touch her while you both watch or have her touch herself.  Most women have never seen themselves and this can be quite an intimate exercise that validates her sense of physical self. 
  • Get in touch with your Don Juan/Latin Lover side.  This can feel very corny at first depending on your background and culture, but it’s an important part of claiming your manhood as a lover.  Can you look her directly in the eye and speak of her beauty?  Can you read poetry to her and actually pull it off?  Can you write a smoldering love letter about how your body aches for her?  Can you pull off macho during sex (when in all probability you have been told to stay away from macho in every other aspect of your relationship)?  In other words, be willing to take charge (this only works when there is absolute safety within the relationship) such as holding her arms above her head?  Are you being verbal during sex – telling her how amazing it is to be inside her, how sexy she is, what an amazing lover she is, that you can’t believe you’re as lucky as you are to be able to experience her?   
  • You mentioned different positions – make sure you ask her which ones she prefers. 
  • Explore finding her G-spot.  
  • Anticipation can be helpful: let your wife know that you plan on seducing her later on that evening, call her from work or send her a text.  Getting her to think about the possibility early on during the day can be a fun way for her to prepare herself to be aroused.  
  • Many times, men go for the sensitive body parts, such as nipples or clitoris first – forgetting that it may take a while for those parts to actually want to be touched.  If the woman is not first aroused, these parts can instead feel ticklish or painful – not usually helpful in getting her in the mood.  Try other areas that are erogenous but not as sensitive – neck, behind or on the ears, behind or on the knees, inner thighs, etc.  Feet can be a great place to start with as far as a massage goes – even kissing and sucking of toes can be pleasurable for many.  Tease the breasts and stroke the sides (closer to the armpit) without actually touching the nipples.  Only approach the more sensitive areas when your wife is obviously aroused and lubricated. 

I hope these are some helpful tips – I’m sure there are many more ideas out there or that you can come up with on your own as you tap into her body and natural arousal patterns.  
Again, the real key in my book is talking to your wife and seeing this as a joint venture where both of your desires and wishes are respected and acknowledged – even if some of the actual experiences don’t end up working out.  If you can both approach this venture with a sense of humor, openness, adventure and love – there’s not much to worry about.  Good luck to you both!
 

Pretty fascinating research (to the women who wrote in wondering about having lesbian type fantasies even though they consider themselves heterosexual, this is a very useful read):  
 What do Women Want?

Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?
A User’s Guide to the Kama Sutra

  • Anonymous

    Your last link is a fascinating and stimulating read-we will have fun thinking that through as a couple,it really gels with a lot of stuff that I have been trying to think about for some time in the light of experience.Really useful response Natasha.

  • Anonymous

    I echo anon's comment from 6/26 at 18:06. My wife got daring a couple days ago and had me lick her. Only once before in 23 years of marriage has she reach orgasm from cunnilingus, but she hit it, or rather I helped her over that orgasmic edge with oral stimulation. It was a completely hands-off event for her, when usually she has to be the one manually stimulating her clitoris to reach orgasm. Your comments and questions and responses here are so powerful. As always, I just wish the audience were expanded and that more received the message. We in the choir seats already appreciate these things.bonezsanchiro12 : yahoosanchiro@gmail.com

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for making many of us very jealous; a wife eager to please her husband, what must that be like?

  • Anonymous

    10 years of marriage, 3 kids, and SEX 4-5X/WEEK? Wow, this couple does not seem to need advice.

  • Anonymous

    I'm wondering if the comment about the wife being willing to please the husband was ironic in intent-my comment may be of interest.

  • Anonymous

    Hi I've just stumbled over this blog.I am a active lds member and would love my wife to make herself climax in front of me from self manual stimulation but she finds it wrong to do such a practice. Any ideas how to get her to over come this would be great.Thanks so much for your blog it is fantastic

  • Anonymous

    Anonymous – Elsewhere Natasha recommends the book 'And they were not ashamed' by Laura Brotherson – if your wife would read this it may help her to be more adventurous in your sexual relationship (author is LDS, studied at BYU etc.)


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