Ali Family Autism Truths #10 – The Unbearable Business of Trust

April 10, 2015 – Autism Awareness Month, Autism Truths #10

We trust.

We trust the bus driver to transport him safely. The bus aides to make sure he is comfortable, not upset and not injuring himself. And after nine years of trying and trusting, we say enough. And we drive him ourselves.

We trust.

We trust the teachers and therapists in his school to teach him, make sure he is safe, look out for his wellbeing, see that his clothes are worn properly after he visits the bathroom and make sure his shoes are on the right feet. We trust them to let us know how much he ate for lunch, if he seemed particularly “off,” if he had any crying spells, meltdowns or self-injurious behavior during school hours. If he comes to the car and there is a bump on his head, we trust his teachers to really tell us what happened. We trust them to teach him what is in his individualized education plan. We trust them to do right by him.

We trust.

We trust the therapists and care givers who come into our home to be gentle and firm with him. We trust them to teach the things we have discussed, but to allow him to learn life skills on his own terms. We trust that he will be treated with respect and dignity when we aren’t watching. We trust that when they go out for community-based instruction, he is kept safe, and they watch out for him, especially when he uses a public bathroom. We trust that when he seems to be headed towards a meltdown, they seek safety for him and for themselves.

We trust.

We trust that when we must go out and he stays home with care givers, he has access to his meals, and if he doesn’t eat, they encourage him and help him to eat. We trust that they make sure he doesn’t eat what he shouldn’t eat. We trust that whatever meds/supplements he needs will be given on time. We trust that they respect his space and treat him with dignity, friendship and true care.

We trust.

We trust because we’ve been very blessed, very lucky. There has been very few people in D’s life who have given us reason not to trust. When we came across such folks, we were able to pick up on D’s uncomfortable radar blips and remove those people from his life. We trust because nearly everyone, every teacher, therapist, home therapist and caregiver has (mostly) tried their best by D. Some have been utterly fantastic with him. Most have been good and trustworthy.

We are lucky. D is lucky. Our trust has rarely been broken, rarely been abused. We have known and continue to have good, good people in his life.

But we still check his body every night for marks, bruises, anything out of the ordinary. If we see anything, we ask, we probe, and we push until we can find out what happened. Sometimes we can’t find the answer though, and that kills us. We worry. We never stop worrying. We worry about things most cannot understand. Because he can’t tell us if someone bullied him, hurt him, abused him, spoke meanly to him, ignored him, disrespected him, mistreated him. How would we know?

He can’t tell us. If you can try and understand how devastating that is, how difficult that makes it to trust others with him, how it keeps us up at night … if you just knew.

One of the hardest autism truths of our lives is this unbearable business of trust. And yet we must trust.