A month and a half ago I began praying daily at my altar. The ritual was put into place to help me feel more connected to my spirituality since there isn’t a Pagan community in my town. I would fix my hair a bit and light a candle then stand and do breath and energy work.
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve had muscle jerks and mild hallucinations. By mild I mean I knew what I saw wasn’t real. And what I did see didn’t last long. See through hands might emerge from my abdomen or I would see a person appear and vanish just as quickly before the shakes happened. The worst shakes included my head jerking and my back rising from the couch. I also experienced increasing fatigue. I was sleeping almost ten hours a night and taking naps. Because my epilepsy diagnosis was recent, I thought it wasn’t being controlled and even getting worse. My next neurology appointment wasn’t until February.
Standing before my Goddess altar, hands clasped, I scrunched my bare toes in the carpet. My hair wasn’t combed and I hadn’t showered. I wore only a house robe. “I come to you as I am.” My prayer began and I don’t remember the rest of what I spoke. I was scared that morning and desperate to understand what was going on with my body. So I prayed. Please let me find the strength to get through this. “Hold me.” I went and laid down again.
At night my dreams were the same. I was lost in the city searching for food. I would cry, cold and hungry. Wondering around looking for my home. When I would find a place to eat, most often a Thai buffet, something would prevent me from eating. I would be out of money or they were getting ready to close. Sometimes people would come get me saying we were late and had to go.
When I did make it to my “home”, it was all ways in disarray. All ways out of order in some way. It needed major repairs or people who I didn’t want in my home were living there, too. Night after night these dreams went on and I woke tired and shaky. I thought I was lonely, needed to move to a bigger city with a Pagan community. I thought I was still working out issues with people from my past.
“No wonder I’ve been dreaming about Thai Buffets,” I exclaimed. We both laughed and I felt a lot better knowing what was going on.
“You’re body was trying to wake you up to eat,” he said.
My dreams weren’t a deep tap into my subconscious trying to resolve years of living. My body was telling me I needed nourishment.
I no longer have to take my meal time insulin shots and my bedtime long lasting insulin has been cut in half. I’m so happy to be taking less shots. I have to do close blood stick monitoring and report back in a week. When I thought I had lost, or was lost like in my dreams, I had won. I’ve had diabetes since I was 21. But it wasn’t until three years ago that I started taking it seriously. That’s when I got on insulin. I see that I’ve made a significant step with my PTSD and depression. I’m not binge eating and if I do, I don’t keep beating myself up. I’ve lost a lot of weight without being on a stinking fad diet. All my labs were good. My liver function and my cholesterol were perfect. My cholesterol has been so high before that I had a hepatic (fatty) liver.
I’ve learned a lot about the mind, body, spirit cycle. I had to be on the right antidepressants to have the will to care for myself. I had to care for my body to help with my depression. I tuned into my higher spirit to guide me. It felt like hard crazy work at times and simply living at others. I’m still shocked that I’ve passed an important milestone.
This morning dressed and ready for the day I prayed before my altar, “Blessed mother, thank you for the will to keep going even when I feel I can’t. Thank you for my physician and science. Please help me to enjoy this blessed day and to push it forward to enjoy in the days to come when I need it most. So be it.”
Now if only I wouldn’t over over analyze my dreams.