Donald Drumpf is a Dick Tracy villain. Michael Vadon/Wikimedia Commons. Alterations by JJ Feinauer
Editor’s note: This post is an updated version of an earlier post, which can be found here. All updates and corrections have been made in red, like this editor’s note.
So is this it? Is this how The Republic ends? Not with a bang, but with 16 straight months of presidential debates?
That’s right, 2016 is upon us, with the force of a thousand Facebook arguments and your uncle’s hatred for “career politicians.” We’re entering a period of great uncertainty, which can only culminate in the glorious peace of the millennium. Will it be a Clinton? Will it be a Bush? And for heaven’s sake, will it be The Donald?!?!
One thing, however, is certain. The plurality of Mormons will vote for whoever lands on the Republican ticket (unless, of course, ‘ol Mitt runs as a third partier, which is about as likely as a heartfelt apology from Lilburn Boggs).
But there remains quite the array of options [really, just 6 plus Ben Carson]. Plus, we’re still a ways away fromonly a few states deep in the primary election, which means all those mighty R’s [Drumpf, Rubio, Cruz and Kasich. Plus Ben Carson] still have to fight for a vote of confidence from their most consistent Western coalition. Something they will literally be doing on March 21, for some reason.
So who will it be? Who will win over the Mormons?
To make things easier, and to aid in all things being done in wisdom and order1 I’ve compiled a brief summary of the Mormon pros and cons for each Republican candidate. Of course, I’ve only included candidates that register on national polls, because the last thing anyone wants to do is have to sift through a bunch of unqualified wackosunstable misanthropes.
Jeb Bush
Not Mormon enough, apparently. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
John Kasich
Pro: He’s really concerned about poor people and says God will judge those who don’t help those in need. Just like The Book of Mormon! (and Bible or whatever). Plus, he’s a HUGE fan of The Church’s welfare program.
Con: His congressional portrait is way way way too chill. His blue shirt is a clear indicator that he is not in a position to help administer the sacrament.Also: Look, he’s old fashioned, but just not old fashioned enough.
Ben Carson
Pro: He was name dropped in conference and that doesn’t happen every day. He’s the first Seventh-Day Adventist candidate, and on my mission people confused us with the SDA all the time, so we’re spiritual brothers if only for the hyphen. He loves tithing so much he wants the federal government to do it. Also, Cuba Gooding Jr. played him in a TNT original movie[Cuba is currently playing O.J. Simpson in an FX tv show]. Cuba’s won an Oscar, so that should count for something.
Con: Um, it was kinda weird that he was name dropped in conference. Also, as we well know, it can hard for members of a minority religion when one of their own steps into presidential politics. Emotions run high and passions run deep. Keeping the pulpit and the voting booth separate can be a hard, frustrating fight. 2012 was fun for us Mormons and all, but we should probably never do that again. Also, he plagiarized the writings of Cleon Skousen, which is layered in badness.
[Update: This guy is still in the race for some reason. Also I saw his campaign book for sale at Deseret Book. So I would accuse the store of being partisan, but then I saw Howard Zinn’s APeople’s History of the United States right above it. No lie.]
Photo courtesy of me, who saw this with his own eyes. This guy basically says Christopher Columbus will be Hitler’s mission companion in Hell. And there it was, at my local Deseret Book.
Chris Christie
Not only is this guy not Mormon enough, but he’s also thrown his support behind a a guy who spent most of the 90s saying dirty things on Howard Stern.
I’m looking forward to Christie embracing his true calling as a bouncer at Drumpf’s campaign events.
Pro: He’s buddy buddy with a Mormon (Utah’s Mike Lee).
Con: His Mormon friend is always playing second fiddle to his shenanigans. Also, the two of them pose with weird tiger carpets. Also, from what I understand Lee hasn’t officially endorsed Cruz, at least not yet.Cruz also seems to have inspired some false prophesies from Bother Brother Beck:
Pro: He thinks Mormons are honest people (if you want to interpret his scuffle with Jon Huntsman that way), and he abstains from alcohol[update: There is no way anyone can convince me that last part is true].
Con: Well, he’s pretty freaking vulgar, for starters. He’s also kinda known for saying really crude things about women, and believe it or not some women are also Mormon. He also thinks the vast majority of immigrants from Mexico are rapists and/or murderers, and believe it or not some of those immigrants, whether or not they came to this country legally, are also Mormon. He also thinks Mitt Romney is a big dumb loser, and Mormons tend to like that Romney fellow. Also, he’s tweeted all this stuff about Mitt, which is very un-Mormon of him:
Mitt Romney, who was one of the dumbest and worst candidates in the history of Republican politics, is now pushing me on tax returns. Dope!
Pro: Rubio is the only candidate that is actually Mormon. You see, he was reportedly baptized as a kid when his family converted. They were fellowshipped by some friendly neighbors. He was interested and invested in Mormon theology (if there is such a thing!!!) and liked pinewood derbies. His parents decided to leave because they found Mormonism to be to restrictive.
Con: We should really be focused on making sure his records have been transferred to the correct ward before we get too worried about this whole presidency thing. Does he have home teachers? If not, why not? If so, why are they not visiting him? Is his name being discussed at Ward Council? It’s time to remember that being president isn’t what really matters in this life, or the next. There’s work to be done. [I have nothing to update about this succinct summary of Rubio’s Mormonness]
So there you have it: This year’s contenders for the Mighty Mormon Vote!! So who will it be? Will Mitt jump back in the race? Will Mormons grace Jeb or Rubio with their sustaining vote? Only time will tell. But until then, don’t forget to participate fully in your civic duty!
#MoDecision2016
[1] This is an outrageous misuse of Mosiah 4:27. [This is still an outrageous misuse of Mosiah 4:27]
Peculiar People
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