Christian Persecution: Are Atheists Vampires?

I haven’t written about the recent flap over the 9/11 Cross. I’m not going to say much now. I just want to share a theory I have that might clear up a small mystery.

For those who don’t know, the 9/11 Cross is a cross that formed by two pieces of rubble falling together amidst the collapse of the Twin Towers in New York on September 11, 2001.

The 9/11 Cross has great meaning for many people, and so far as I can see, harms none of those who do not find it meaningful. However, the American Atheist Foundation disagrees. They filed suit against use of the 9/11 Cross, which was dedicated to the World Trade Center Memorial.

According to a September 11 article in Charisma News, their claims of the “damages” they have suffered because of the 9/11 Cross include,

David Silverman, president of American Atheists, contends that atheists are experiencing horrible physical reactions after seeing the rubble cross, such as “inter alia, dyspepsia, symptoms of depression, headaches, anxiety, and mental pain and anguish.”

The atheists claim that the cross makes them “feel officially excluded from the ranks of citizens who were directly injured by the 9/11 attack.” (Read more here.)

As they used to say on the old Laugh-In show, “let that percolate through your being.”

These folks are seriously taking the position in a court document that the mere sight of a cross causes them to experience, among other things, “dyspepsia, symptoms of depression, headaches, anxiety and mental pain and anguish.” 

Atheists aren’t very hardy people are they? It makes one wonder how such delicate little flowers managed to survive millions of years of natural selection. One would think that they’d have just dyspepsiad away some night after witnessing an unshielded baptism.

I’ve thought about this. Not a lot. But I have thought about it. I can only come up with two possible conclusions.

1. Atheist organizations are set on harassing, insulting and attacking Christians at every turn in an attempt to drive us underground and silence us.

or ….

2. Atheists are vampires. I mean, who else reacts like that to the sight of a cross? 

These not-so-well-thought-out conclusions, if followed to their own conclusions, lead us inevitably to two possible plans of action.

1. We can fight back. Maybe sue them for harassment or wanton stupidity or something. 

or ….

2. We can try putting a couple of them in front of mirrors.  See if they have a reflection. If they don’t, well, we’ve all watched enough vampire movies to know what comes next.

Whichever way we go on this, I think it’s important to never invite an atheist into our homes. You know what happens when you invite a vampire in, don’t you?

Anyway, I guess that’s all for now. Remember: Next time you see an atheist, whip that mirror out. And keep your garlic, backup holy water and crucifix handy. Even if they don’t turn to ash or anything, the crucifix alone is documented to produce crippling dyspepsia.

  • Ted Seeber

    I think you’ve overlooked the Screwtape Letters as a possibility. There are a few other groups that cringe at the sign of the cross.

  • Rebecca Hamilton

    Yeah, but don’t those guys have pointy tales and red, glowing eyes or something?

    • Deven Kale

      You’re right, our stories generally do have a purpose to them. ;)

  • Sus

    I think that cross is really ugly and really beautiful at the same time. It’s fabulous.

    It would be great if they found out what religious domination or not of everyone that died that day. Then take a symbol from each and put them up along with the cross. Even an Islam symbol. Muslims died that day that were not the terrorists.

    I think this is the resentment coming out that people’s religion are creeping into laws that are being passed.

    The physical symptoms crack me up. For the last 4 years of my husband’s Grandma’s life, I took her mass 6 days a week. I’m not Catholic. People would ask how I could stand it. Sometimes I did get a little annoyed but even then it always made me think. No headaches or mental pain here.

  • http://www.keeplifelegal.com Rev. Katherine Marple

    You know, I am neither Catholic or a Democrat but you have the best blog ever! Can’t tell you how much I enjoy opening my email every morning to see your articles. I love how your mind thinks. Even Patrick Mahoney of the Christian Defense Coalition reposted one of your great posts on FB! Enjoy your day!

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Thanks my friend. I had no idea about the Christian Defense Coalition re-post. I’ll check it out.

  • Serious

    I’m an atheist and I don’t care one way or another about seeing a cross or about what ever religion you adhere to. But yeah hey thanks for just lumping one group of people as all the same.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Ummmmmmmmm … I lumped you as vampires?

      Serious, are you taking this seriously? I mean, are you seriously taking this seriously?

  • joejoe

    As an atheist I think Dan Barker and friends go too far. I would be tickled pink if christianity and other forms of brain-mind parasitic memes went the way of the dinosaurs, but At the same time I could care less if crosses are on public property. I have discovered I have no vampire reaction to crosses after I started wearing magical underwear thats been blessed by the Kolobian temple space gods. And babies taste better with mustard

  • Bill S

    I’m an atheist. I also think this is a pretty witty and funny article.

  • http://nebraskaenergyobserver.wordpress.com neenergyobserver

    Ha, I like your theory!! :-)

  • Bill S

    I looked up dyspepsia. It means indigestion.

    What the ….? How the…?

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      uh-huh.

  • arkenaten

    As a closet vampire I object strongly, in fact this is just the ort of lawsuit I could sink my teeth into.
    Have no fear about me responding to an invite into your home, Rebecca, I now you would hide behind the couch then leap put and throw holy water at me.
    But, unlike Mitt Romney, I am impervious these days.
    I am curious, though, should Romney be elected ( just kidding, but you never know, right?) will you be okay singing Mormon songs and having him read from the Book of Mormon during Inaugaration?
    BTW If he utters that worn out phrase, God bless America, which god will he be referring to?

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Whoever wins, he will be the President of the United States. That’s all that matters.
      All you have to do to get in my house is stand in front of a mirror Douglas. :-)

    • Ted Seeber

      I actually hope he does! The Mormon version of a D&C is a huge improvement on the atheist one!

  • http://www.philomenasmile.wordpress.com Anna Dawson

    This is great! I laughed :) Maybe, out of Christian charity, we should throw holy water *and* see if a priest will bless our Tums to throw as well.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      :-)

  • Baine B

    After seeing how the DNC’s atheist wing is so opposed to the existence of certain shapes, I predict that Democrats will lose a significant amount of support from Sesame Street.


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