Miracle Story: The god Who Doesn’t Care

I’ve written about other people’s miracle stories. Now, I’ll tell you about one of my own.

I think most Christians have miracle stories. Mine is the fundamental Christian miracle, the accessible and universally available miracle. I am going to tell you about the day I stepped, blundered actually, from death to life.

I lived about 17 years of my life in an anti-God mindset. There were reasons for this. To this day, I understand myself and accept that when I made the turn away from God, I did the only thing I could have done under that circumstance.

I didn’t decide that there was no god. I tried. I read the atheist books of the day; Passover Plot among them. I went back a few decades and read Why I Am Not A Christian. I actually wanted to believe there was no god. It would have been a great simplifier for me in those days.

But the books I read were essentially self-refuting. You can’t think them through too seriously and miss the train-sized holes in their line of reasoning.

In truth, I knew there was a god. I’m not sure how I knew. But I did. My problem wasn’t that I thought he wasn’t there. It was that I thought he didn’t care.

I didn’t come to a point where I decided Today I Will Become Anti-god. I just sort of segued into it, one decision, one discussion, one opposing commitment at a time.

By the time I was into my 20s, I was thoroughly launched on my anti-god way of living, thinking and reacting. The fight to defend Roe v Wade and legal access to abortion pushed me hard toward an aggressive anti-god mode.

What had been a walking away became, through the catalyst of my pro-abortion stand, a fierce resentment. I detested the various churches for their opposition to Roe. I thought, believed to my core, that they were utterly indifferent to the sufferings of women.

This wasn’t all just a web I wove in my own mind. I knew of actual instances of churches turning away from women who were in great distress; of them abandoning these women or even attacking them.

To say I was angry over this hardly touches it. I was enraged, bitter and hard as a diamond about it. I knew there was a god. But I also thought I knew that he didn’t care. I had no use for him.

I did a lot of things in this period of my life that I regret now. I wish I could tell you that everything I ever did that I regret I did then, but that isn’t true. However, my most dastardly deeds, including the one time I ever hurt another person deliberately, selfishly and with full intention, happened during those years.

I was, in the way I judged myself at that time, certain that I was a good person and that everything I was doing was not only right but morally superior. Even the one thing that I absolutely knew was wrong didn’t bother me.

This peculiar moral certitude of moral ingrates is, I believe, a direct consequence of being your own god. If you decide what is right and wrong, it’s pretty easy to be morally proud 24/7. I encounter it in people who are their own gods all the time. The difference being that now I know it for what it is.

As time went by, this one thing I couldn’t justify to myself ate at me. I knew I had hurt another person. Worse, I knew that I had decided to hurt another person and done it for entirely selfish reasons. I stood convicted in my own court by my own rules. That brought me face to face with one of the sadder realities of living life as your own god: When you come to that place where you see that you have really been wrong, you can’t make it right.

You are stuck there, you and your guilt, in a battle for your peace of mind that you can only win by hardening your heart and “going on.” If you do that, of course, it will be much easier to do the wrong again. And again. And again forever until you die. You become wedded to your sin and in time it becomes who you are.

I was stuck there, at that precise fork in the moral road. I could either tell myself to forget about it, or even, as many people do, blame the person I had hurt, or I could face my own fault. It’s never an easy thing to face the fact that you are really not such a good person. But in truth none of us are. We only pretend, and mostly we pretend to ourselves.

Fortunately for me, I wasn’t able to take that sharp turn into the abyss and send my healthy and completely justified guilt away. I knew what I had done.

I didn’t talk about it. Didn’t share it with anyone. I kept it inside me.

The tension grew.

I have tried many times to find the words to describe what happened next. But I can’t do it. I’ve come to the conclusion that there are no words.

I was alone in my car, driving to Enid Oklahoma to make a speech. Without thinking about it or really understanding what I was doing, I blurted out two words. Forgive me, I said. I said it out loud. But I wasn’t talking to myself. I was talking to the God who didn’t care.

Here’s where words fail me. I’ll try, but please understand: I have no words for what happened next.

I said Forgive me, and it was as if someone, some Being, Who had been right beside me all along without my knowing of it, reached out to me. I felt this Being’s joy for me, experienced His absolute, ecstatic love. I had a physical sensation of this love, pouring into me, filling me with His joy.

As I said, there are no words. I didn’t understand exactly what was happening. But I knew it was real. I also learned in one instant that the god who doesn’t care was my own creation. God, the real God, loves us beyond anything we can comprehend, or, in my case, describe.

I didn’t understand what had just happened. I went on to my meeting, made my speech, and said not a word about it to anyone. But it wasn’t an apprehensive silence. The Being I met in the car that day stayed with me. He kept me enveloped in love and I basked in it.

I also waited. Waiting is not something that comes naturally to me. I am most definitely not the waiting around kind. But this time, waiting came easily. I didn’t know what to do next, so I waited, with complete peace of mind that the answers would come, for this Being to tell me what to do.

About a month later, it came into my head to go to a large metropolitan church. I did, and over time, that path has led me to where I am now.

As I said, this is the most prosaic and commonplace of miracles. It is freely available to anyone who asks for it with a sincere heart. It’s free for the asking. But I wouldn’t say that it’s cheap. I’ll talk about the cost in other posts at other times.

Today, I just want to add one of my miracles to the ones I’ve been sharing. I also want to make it clear that the real miracle here isn’t that I experienced these things, but what they meant. I said two words from my heart to a God I had come to believe didn’t care, and I stepped from death to life.

That is the miracle that lasts for eternity.


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  • Sue Ting

    Beautiful. Thank you.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Thank you Sue.

  • Bill S


    You can delete my last response. I can see that I have crossed a line and that this isn’t what your website is all about.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Thanks Bill.

  • Bill S


    My comment was removed at my request. I don’t have the heart to dump on people’s faith. This is Rebecca’s website and we should respect her beliefs. I just wish people would be more secular in their politics.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      That’s a nice approach Bill. Thank you.

  • http://nebraskaenergyobserver.wordpress.com neenergyobserver

    An absolutely wonderful witness, Thank you.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Witness is the correct word. It’s a witness to His love.

  • http://evansword.wordpress.com Steve Evans

    Amen! Thank you for sharing your story of faith and redemption.
    May Christ bless you greatly.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Thank you Steve.

  • Francis

    Thank you, Rebecca.

  • http://myyearlongjourney.com Marisa

    Wow, Rebecca! What a captivating and beautiful story of redemption and love… Thank-you for sharing. Before bed, I grab my iPhone in hopes you’ve written yet another of my “bedtime stories.” You have a gift, my friend; a gift of spinning a story so captivating that it grips the hearts of its readers. Praise Jesus God tugged at your heartstrings that day and enveloped you with His love… Your reward: eternal Heavenly bliss! Truly a miracle indeed!

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Marisa, I have never stopped being grateful, from that day to this.
      “Praise Jesus God tugged at your heartstrings that day and enveloped you with His love… Your reward: eternal Heavenly bliss! Truly a miracle indeed!”

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  • http://scpeanutgallery.com Art Chartier

    And the angels in heaven rejoiced. Thank you.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Thank YOU Art.

  • http://ackans.com Mr. V.


    thanks for your story. I’m glad your eyes were opened and you came into the light.

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Thanks Stephen.

  • Ted Seeber

    The Church is a hospital for sinners, not a resort complex with Disney theme rides for Saints.

    One of the most accurate accusations I’ve ever heard against Christians is that they are hypocritical. But for the honest Catholic, it’s also the least news worthy accusation- we KNOW we are hypocrites, it is in fact one of the big reasons we ARE Catholic.

    My brother’s in-laws are largely agnostics and atheists. One of the more philosophical of them said one of the big problems he faced living American law as his main moral guide, was the utter lack of forgiveness. Oh, you might “pay your debt to society”- go to jail or pay your fine- but once that conviction comes down, you are guilty, and you are guilty forever.

    Contrast that to the message Project Rachel has for women wounded by abortion: “Yes, you had an abortion. Yes, that has wounded your soul. But we love you and want you to come back to the Church, we want to offer you the Sacrament of Reconciliation and healing, we want to change the circumstances of your life so that you don’t have to do this again.”

    Or on Euthanasia, the message that Oregon sends “You’re terminally ill and poor, so we don’t want you around anymore, here have these pills so you can kill yourself before you get too sick.” vs the Archdiocese Hospice Care Program: “If you are brave enough to choose to stick it out, we will make sure you have the maximum amount of time we can to reconcile yourself with your loved ones, and your sins with God, so that you can be forgiven and leave this world with a clean conscience. We will also try to make sure your passing is as pain free as possible”.

    It is the difference between being selfish and caring for others, that makes up for the hypocrisy. It is the difference between guilt and forgiveness that is the key.

  • http://www.devotions4him.com Jennifer Craft

    Truly a beautiful encounter of the God kind. His love is amazing and has no bounds. Thank you for trying to express that which is beyond our human ability to describe. Sometimes words just fail. We can sure try though!

    • Rebecca Hamilton

      Thanks again Jennifer. Keep coming back.

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