The weekly apocalypse, in fourteen points:
1. World War III was almost at a rolling boil, and children smelled salty aromas of blood in the streets, as Obama poised himself to lead the free world into another mighty struggle against something, but Miley Cyrus licked cold steel and roused Vladimir Putin from his Russian cave.
2. Reporters tell us that Putin mounted his grizzly boar, foaming and farting, and rode through the night to his manly and very heterosexual ghost writer’s home in St. Petersburgh. The result was a ghostly op-ed in the New York Times, which the US Right and Left celebrated as a warm breeze, melting the frosty Obama had for lunch, since Michele was out of town.
3. After Slate magazine’s wonderful column on the badness of parents who send their children to private school that are often just as terrible and lifeless as public ones so who really cares, they decided to continue the troll-setting pace and declare an end to patriarchy.
4. Donald Trump, who never seems too far from apocalyptic romps, said that he is relieved and wishes the very best to Dennis Rodman and his family.
5. Texas A&M and Alabama face each other in the third week of the college football season and some are calling this the greatest game ever played. The profits from the game are, of course, going to cover costs and the rest will be given to charity.
6. The NCAA is committed to amateurism, especially in the handling of its business.
7. Putin’s credibility rises and falls like Anthony Weiner’s weiner.
8. Writers for daily shows and other cheap comedy outfits lament the loss of Weiner from the public square. Between his middle finger and other extremities, he was mana send from bad joke heaven.
9. Miley Cyrus has gone brunette and viral in the most literal sense of the term. We are sick of her, which is to say that we cannot stop or contain or control her. She is multitudes.
10. Britney Spears is trying to fight back, in her latest single, “#WorkBitch,” but even hashtags have no power over the indomitable and inimitable Cyrus.
11. Syria agrees to hand over chemical weapons to the countries who own the most chemical weaponry in the world at a highly publicized secret meeting in Geneva. Putin quoted scripture, “For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance.” Obama nodded, and cited his Nobel Peace prize.
12. Among the casualties, the Atlantic tells us, is gun control. Move over, Nietzsche: the death of God started quite the string of titles, and, like the old grey mare, the Atlantic sure ain’t what it used to be.
13. Friday the 13th was uneventful as usual, much to the chagrin and embarrassment of horror movie enthusiasts.
14. On the solemn feast day of 9/11, American Indians forget to remember in protest of the eugenics of American remembrance.