Your flaky weekly apocalypse, in ten points.
1. The War on Christmas is in full swing again and sales are going well. It is expected to end on Christmas, if not a few days earlier.
2. Happy New Years!
3. Francis is declared to be the first gay, atheist, and only the third communist pope, by dozens of Catholics on Facebook.
4. Bill Clinton is reported to have auditioned for the role of Nelson Mandela in the forthcoming film, citing Toni Morrison.
5. Pat Robertson is suing Phil Roberson for using his last name.
6. Phil Robertson is suing Pat Robertson for not getting fired from his television show.
7. Sandwich is the new taco.
8. The popular Asian extreme home cooking show, “Peking Duck Dynasty,” has been censored by the Chinese government, for reasons undisclosed.
9. Emilio Esteves is enjoying the sudden revival of interest in The Mighty Ducks and plans to release a Christmas album and some cheap cologne.
10. In honor of Brian Boitano’s shocking revelation, Vladimir Putin frees Pussy Riot because that’s what Brian Boitano would do.