The Jerk Returns!!!!!!!

Oh, but first, come see my post at the Register:  “Not like that!” The spirituality of The Mummy.  The post may be silly, but it’s witness to a miracle:  I was able to figure out how to post videos on a new platform while propitiating the feral kid, who sits behind my back and makes me play the squish game while I write.

But you don’t want to hear about me; you want to hear about .  . . . THE JERK!

To newer readers:  there is this guy.  He’s called “The Jerk.”  Simcha is not The Jerk, and The Jerk is not Simcha.

Every once in a while, The Jerk writes something weird for Simcha — something like, oh, the Beatitudes for Jerks.   And Simcha laughs and laughs and laughs, and gets ready to post it — and then wakes up in the middle of the night saying, “Oh my gosh, I can’t post that.”

On the other hand, it is Simcha’s blog, and  Simcha has already filled out the W-9 form for the Register.  As Mel Gibson said to his bottle of tequila, what’s the worst that could possibly happen?  And so I, Simcha, present . . .

Blessed are the Orthodox, for their Kingdom of God is better than your Kingdom of God.

Blessed are the Eastern Rite catholics, for their priests shall have kick-ass beards.

Blessed are the Angry, for they shall win all internet arguments.

Blessed are the Trads, for they shall fart in Latin.

Blessed are the JOOOOOOOOOOS, for they shall inherit the media.

Blessed are the Buddhists, for they have yet to piss me off today.

Blessed are you when women scorn you, and make intelligent conversation in front of you, and wear pants around you, for yours is your mother’s basement.

Blessed are the the wives of Opus Dei men, for those gals need all the help they can get.

Blessed be the ice maker.

Print Friendly

  • http://www.thecottagechild.blogspot.com the cottage child

    “Blessed be the ice maker.” Amen!

    Dude, is the Jerk married?

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com Cari

    I’m doing that snort-laugh thing, reading with my chin in my hand, and my son is asking me if I’m ok.

    *MY* feral child who also insists on the squish game while I’m writing is nowhere to be seen, which isn’t good, so I’ll make it brief.

    *Hilarious*! Every time I read the word “Jews” in a creepy conspiratorial setting, I will now see it as “JOOOOOOOOOS”.

    Thanks, The Jerk.

  • http://harvestthehome.blogspot.com Paula

    LOVE this. And we miss the movie reviews.

  • http://stmonicasbriddge.wordpress.com Kristen

    Blessed are you when women scorn you, and make intelligent conversation in front of you, and wear pants around you, for yours is your mother’s basement.

    Amen to that. Amazingly I married the only one of my mother-in-law’s sons who doesn’t seem to mind intelligent conversationalist, pants wearing women.

    Welcome back The Jerk! I’ve been going through withdrawals and I just can’t quit you :)

  • Bears2Cross

    Oh, the Jerk, how we have missed you. And my husband has always been jealous of those Eastern Rite beards.

  • Bob

    Yeah, Buddhists, ya gotta love ‘em. Heck, you hardly ever even HEAR hear about Buddhists, except when they’re being slaughtered by Muslims.

    • Martha

      Hear, hear, Bob. Hindus, too. ;D

      • Bob

        Exactly.

        I think you meant, “HEAR hear.”

        Oh well, who proofreads their blog comments? Not me, that’s who.

  • http://www.reversionstory.blogspot.com Dana Laviano

    I hafta say, i like the jerk. And ice makers. ESPECIALLY ice makers.

  • http://darwincatholic.blogspot.com MrsDarwin

    Oh, The Jerk, we’ve missed your smiling face.

  • Tara Meghan

    I laughed at every inappropriate thing. But mostly at the tequila comment – I emailed that to my husband.

  • Karen

    Oh, I love this. Even more so since i spent nearly two years as a member of the Orthodox Church and am still rather bitter about it. Thanks for the Friday laugh!

    • Nina

      Okay, in all seriousness, Karen. Do you mind me asking why the bittterness? I am truly sincerely interested. :)

    • Melody in SD

      Hi. I am also interested! I am severely tempted to attend a local Orthodox Church on a regular basis. Trying to solidify myself..

      • Nina

        Do you mind me asking, are you two Catholic? What is/has been the attraction to Orthodoxy as opposed to Catholicism, if that is not too personal? :)

        • Melody in SD

          Yes, I am Catholic. It is very tempting because I know the sacraments are valid and they have apostolic succession. But also the Liturgy is so beautiful. The traditions intact and the parish is on fire. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s like you’ve heard the words to a poem, read, without passion, and then you hear it sung, with notes that pierce your heart and convict.

          I can’t leave the Church, but it’s getting harder to justify it. My husband has taken to wearing jeans to our “AMchurch” and I have a baby that I want to be able to withstand the world when she grows up. Also, I need to be nourished.

          • Nina

            Melody. I understand. Everything you long for I have as well. The Catholic church DOES have all of that. Find out where the nearest FSSP apostolate is, and go there. I thought I had died and gone to heaven the first time I heard the music at a Tridentine Mass. And I have to say: it never gets old. It truly is heaven on earth.

          • Melody in SD

            Thank you, Nina.

          • Nina

            Hugs, girl. We’re all in this together. Persevere til the end. Have hope. Don’t abandon ship, all things work to good…..:)

          • Convert

            Do you know that there is a difference between the Orthodox Church and and Eastern Rite Catholic Church? There are more than 20 rites in the Catholic Church, not just Latin. If you are drawn to the Liturgy of the East then please consider attending an and Eastern Rite Church. It will be virtually the same in style as the Orthodox Church. But the Eastern Rites are in FULL COMMUNION with the Pope. The Orthodox Church is the result of the great schism. While there are many admirable aspects from the Orthodox Church, there is no central moral authority and this leads to all sorts of conflicts with many issues like contraception, etc.

          • Karen

            That’s one of the things we found—there were too many conflicts.

      • Karen

        I should have clarified, that my bitterness is related to our experiences in a specific Orthodox parish. I was and still am attracted to the Orthodox theology and worship; eventually we found a lovely Byzantine Catholic parish that satisfied the desire for the Eastern Rite, and we were so happy to be back that we haven’t really looked back.

        The Orthodox Church did not fail us; the particular parish in our town did. It was the failing of the priest, and the parishioners. I can’t fault the Church in general.

        • Nina

          Thanks for replying, Karen.

  • http://www.barefootandpregnantblog.blogspot.com Calah

    Oh my gosh! “For they shall fart in Latin!” I’m crying here. Hysterical.

    Almost equally hysterical is, “as Mel Gibson said to his bottle of tequila, what’s the worst that could happen?”

    You guys crack me up. Thanks for the laugh.

  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest’s wife

    …thanks The Jerk for politely dissing the Orthodox- ’cause I have to be charitable and all that…. :)

  • Veronica

    Welcome back, The Jerk, I’ve really missed you!!! (Although I miss your movie reviews even more, when are those comin’?).

    “Blessed be the ice maker.” Amen, to that, especially if you live in SoCal!

  • Laura V.

    even my mother laughed at these!

    • The Jerk

      Your mother must be a terrible person.

  • Martha

    Yeah, when’s the next movie review? Revisiting cheesy movies of bygone eras is one of my favorite pasttimes.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

    Okay, everyone. Here’s the question, which, frankly, has been holding up the appearance of more movie reviews by the Jerk: How many times would you have to read the word “penis” before you unsubscribed from this blog?

    • http://clandonaldson.wordpress.com Clan Donaldson

      I live in a house with five males. The word “penis” has now become as commonplace as “floor”, “mail”, and “spoon”.

      But I would be wary of using anything from my world as a measure of acceptability.

    • The Jerk

      Wait, you told me it was the excessive use of “finger-sniffer” that was holding things up?

      • http://www.clan-donaldson.com Cari

        “Finger-sniffer” is a deal breaker.

  • KNC

    I AM the wife of an Opus Dei man- I don’t get it- what am I missing?

  • Nina

    Okay, after all of the UGLY LITTLE intensity, this was pretty great.

    The one that made me smile was the Mel line, too. Very clever. And very sad. I shouldn’t be smiling at that! Cuz that could be me someday.

    Umm….some of us do “poot” in Latin around here and it’s very nice, thank you very much.

    I didn’t get the Opus Dei one either. Or really the ice maker one.

    In fact, I would like more elucidation on all of those points, actually. Elucidate, please.

    One last thing: Is Mr. F the jerk?

    • The Jerk

      The Jerk is The Jerk is The Jerk is The Jerk.

      • Nina

        Okay. That answers my question.

        • Bob

          I believe ice maker is a play on peace maker, but for drinkers.

          • Nina

            Ha. This has kind of been a dense millenium for me. My last brain cell went with Child Number Six (born 10 years ago this past Wednesday).

            I was kind of thinking it was like: “Let’s invite The Jerk to the party. He may not be much of a peace-maker, but he knows how to break-the-ice” .

            Okay, I was thinking it was an ice-breaker/peacemaker -thing …….or……. it was alcohol-related. See, I only like non-iced drinks. So, my brain didn’t jump to that one first!

  • Nina

    Oh, and the P word. Please. I have been married to a———okay, out of respect for him, I’m not going to talk about my husband—-I have married to a MAN for 23 1/2 years, and have five sons: two young adults, and three little weenies all in a row at the end, there— ages 8, 5, and 2 1/2. Three little boys ruling this house right now. Please. My poor four girls have had no hope of maintaining , claiming, feigning ignorance—ah, the natural blessings of a large family.

  • Nina

    Now, wait a MINUTE. I just saw a bio about the Jerk at the top of the page, and now it’s gone….poof. Am I losing my mind?

    Oh my gosh, you guys, stop playing with my mind!!!!!

  • http://www.barefootandpregnantblog.blogspot.com Calah

    Simcha, I would unsubscribe to your blog the day the word “penis” appeared more times than my four-year-old nephew runs around screaming it. Which is infinity, plus a billion. Do your worst.

  • Julie

    My daughter used to call her pajamas her pajinas in front of company. Penis does not bother me. Also, we make a long drive to see family once or twice a month and The Jerk’s movie reviews have lessened the tedium especially the one of The Lost Boys and especially when I described the poster of Rob Lowe in the posted still of the movie.

    • Julie

      Oh and “Blessed are the Eastern Rite catholics, for their priests shall have kick-ass beards” made me chuckle.

  • JP

    When my now 5 year old was a tad bit younger, like 2 summers ago, he used to run around yelling “PENIS TIME” in front of his sisters, just because they would over-react and screech. Don’t know where he got it. Neighbors loved it.

  • Nina

    You never did answer my question about my little “hallucination”. What the—? But let me just say: I had NO idea about “G-t-A” or the “D” pseudonyms (did you know that that is the name of a character in Harry Potter?!) You can’t fool me. I am going to be on my guard, now.

    ANYWAY, have a great and light-hearted weekend, The Jerk, Simcha, and Co. I am going to have a great weekend taking it easy on the couch, while my children watch Megamind for the 11th time (released TODAY)! :)

  • Nina

    NEVER MIND! I figured out what I accidentally clicked on. Everyone else knows about it, probably, but me, but no one wanted to point out my IDIOCY, because you’re all too kind. SHeeeeeeesh.

    I need a vacation.

    Grrrrrrrrr.

  • http://beatencopperlamp.blogspot.com Sarah

    I wanna hear more about The Jerk’s Opus Dei opinions! Has he read Scott Hahn’s book “Ordinary Work, Extraordinary Grace”? That had me pretty sold that Josemaria Escriva’s spirituality will put the spark back in your marriage.

  • http://www.prayersforjosie.wordpress.com jeni

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love you. So glad I found your blog. Brilliance.

  • Jeanne

    So glad I discovered your blog.

  • Cecilia

    Wiping the Mystic Monk ‘Hermits’ Bold” off my keyboard now….

    • Nina

      Ha ha aha ha. Oh my gosh, that’s great. Me too….now(not Mystic Monks, sadly, though) !

  • Mattie Kay

    Ha ha! Love the jerk’s Opus Dei remarks! I teach at a “more-orthodox-than-thou” Catholic university. One of my Opus Dei colleagues ALWAYS compliments me whenever I wear a skirt or dress, no matter how old, ragged, or bag-like! In fact, the more bag-like it is, the more of a chance he’ll compliment me. I know he’s doing it to *encourage* me to dress more like his submissive Renaissance-faire ideal, though goodness knows those ladies show a great deal more than I usually do. Ha ha! I act all submissive and sweet when he compliments me, as if I subscribed to his pants-less worldview, but needed some more instruction to become more “fully formed in Christ.”

    Speaking of fully-formed, whenever I wear anything pantsy, form-fitting, or low-cut, Mr. orthodox theologian still looks but is strangely silent. My husband, however, shows his appreciation by… let’s just call it, “maintaining my good mood,” and, though he dislikes bags on women, tells me to “wear whatever is comfortable.” I Love him!

  • Nina

    Really! Opus Dei folks are pants-only?

    • Nina

      Oh man. Really, I AM okay.

      I meant, skirts-only.

      • Margaret

        Kilts-only… :)

  • Paula H.

    I am only a lowly cooperator with Opus Dei, but my spiritual director who is a member, is an ass-kicking, pants-wearing female without whom I would be a much messier mess.

    • Elizabeth K.

      What’s a cooperator? I mean that sincerely, I love Scott Hahn’s books and I’m fascinated by Opus Dei, but I literally know not one single person who is a member so my fascination has no object to light upon.

      • http://www.thehappymother.blogspot.com The Happy Mother

        From the Opus Dei website: (www.opusdei.org)

        “Through their prayer, work or donations, Cooperators assist the educational and social undertakings promoted by the Prelature’s faithful throughout the world. Besides Catholics, Opus Dei has Cooperators who are Orthodox, Protestants or members of other Christian churches; Jews, Muslims, or followers of other religions; and people with no religion. One does not become a member of Opus Dei by becoming a Cooperator. ”

        Also, Opus Dei women are allowed to wear pants. Years ago numeraries (the celebate women) did only wear skirts, but that was years ago.

    • Margaret

      I am a card-carrying member of Opus Dei. Or I would be, if they gave out membership cards, which they don’t. :)

      Pants are a-okay. Skirts used to be the norm at one point in the past (for all the women, not just the numeraries.) This was all before my time, but my understanding is that it was almost kind of a statement in the face of the feminist movement that it was OKAY for women to dress/act/etc like **women**, and that they didn’t have to be quasi-men. Especially important in Opus Dei spheres, since in the 60s and 70s “our women” actually already held non-traditional jobs in law, medicine, universities, etc. By time I came in contact with the Work in the late 1980s, the skirt policy was not active.

      It’s the “husband” part of the joke I’m not getting. The one who’s going to be needing all the help very shortly IS my husband– my adorable-yet-squirmy nursling is now 10 months old, and I’ve officially decided baby can STAY HOME when I go out to my recollection this week. So good luck to my husband, who is decidedly the better half of our twosome… :)

  • http://thenoblebard.blogspot.com Baron Torres

    Great post aunt Simmy, I thoroughly enjoyed it!

  • fivehalos

    Not sure which is funnier. The post or the comments. Thanks to all for the good laughs (and information).

  • Abby

    Overheard in my house:

    –Do girls have wiggles? [family euphemism]

    –No, a girl has a vagina.

    –A peginis?

    –No, with a V.

    –A venus?


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X