Knock Knock. Who’s There? Rutger Hauer.

Hi, I’m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time I was marketing athletic clothing for Catholic women.

Pretty classy, am I right? Big seller in the Steubenville.

At this point, some of you may be wondering where Simcha is, and why she is letting me get away with this, again.

See, for reasons even I don’t quite get, there are times Simcha ditches the blog and allows me to post here. Confidentially, this usually happens around the same time The Moody Blues tour comes around.

Dorks in White Satin

This being county fair season, Simcha is otherwise indisposed for the duration.

During the last foray into the depths of my movie watching despair, Cari  made a request for the next review. I immediately rejected her idea as stoopid. Then, I remembered some of the other movies I’ve reviewed.

OK,  so Cari gets her review.

Ladyhawke

 Before we delve too deeply into this mess, I gotta say, I have no memory of watching this movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I did watch it just a few nights ago. I was mostly sober too. But, it just kinda of slipped away right after watching. Strangley, this is not the first time I’ve watched this very same movie, only to forget it nearly instantly.

If I can reveal a little bit about myself – don’t worry the pants will stay on – I never forget movies, or TV shows for that matter.

Seriously, I can pretty much give you a run down of every episode of F-Troop, or anything starring William Bendix, and don’t get me started on the first season of Murder She Wrote, before that show lost its edge.

The point is, I have a mind for crap entertainment. I never forget this stuff.

Even your old buddy Kolchak?

Especially my old buddy Kolchak. Though, that zombie episode kinda blew.

Aside from the other night, the memory of which gets hazier the more write, and the more beer I drink, I did see Ladyhawke in the theater when it came out. I remember the theater lobby. I remember the popcorn. I remember the lights going down. But the movie?

You remember me, right?

Who?

I'm Rutger. Rutger Hauer.

Umm.

I starred in the Ladyhawke?

Ahhh.

The producers manage to find the Dutch equivalant of NyQuil for the leading man. Honestly, this guy is a lamer veriosn of Christopher Lambert.

Thank you!

We’ll get to you later.

Hey, Dutch people, lookit, we kinda saved you like every time The Nazis invaded you, and you thank us with Rutger Hauer? Next time don’t expect us to come running.

The plot, as I gather, concerns this here Hauzer fellow and his pet bird, Michelle Pfeiffer.

Cheep cheep. Cheep cheep.

Some of you fellas may disagree with me here, but this lady is like the boring version of cardboard. Has she ever been interesting? She’s not even convicncing as a lady cursed to turn into a hawke every day. You wants a convincing bird lady?

BWAAAKAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Anyhoo, so it seems Rubarb and Birdy were in love, but it had to be kept secret from the scheming, control-freak bishop whose sexual perversions led him to use black magic.

Please send all hate mail to thejerksoesnotlikeyou@gmail.com.

No, the bad guy movie bishop is this guy:

He kinda looks like my grandma, before we put her in the home.

Bishop Old Lady here puts a curse on Ruger Howitzer and Birdy Bird Bird so that all day, she’s a hawke, but all night he’s a wolf. This movie easily could have been called Manwolf. Except that’s even stupider than Ladyhawke.

This wacky curse keeps the pair separated, even though they are always together. It’s one of those great unrequited romances that make up so much our our literary culture.

C’mon. Like I’m the only one who sensed this tension?

The unhappy couple was betrayed to the bishop inadvertently by their confessor, who kinda blurted it out when he had too much to drink and was talking to the bishop. Not gonna say anything about confessors I have had. Not. Gonna. Say. Anything.

The filmmakers managed to get the great Leo McKern for the role of the disgraced priest.

Leo gotta eat.

But the whole linchpin for this movie? The one actor whose dynamism pulled it altogether into a rousing entertainment? They next great action star? They didn’t get that guy. Instead, they hired this guy:

Yup. Matthew Broderick. It kinda makes sense to put him in a period picture set in the middle-ish ages, with knights on horses and whatnot, given his – let’s say- proclivities.

Neigh!

It’s not that this is the worst movie ever made. Far from it. It’s just kinda dull, and extraordinarily forgettable. It’s almost as if this was created as an experiment in induced memory loss. I do blame the director, Richard Donner.

I put the "smug" in "Smug A-Hole"

Not to be all judgy, or anything, cause being judgy is bad, but this guy is going to Hell.

Not only did he make Superman boring, not only did he fail to ever make a sequel to The Goonies, but this is the moron who helped make Mel Gibson a major action star.

Here they are to celebrate Mel's next directing effort, A Man Without A Career.

If you want to see a real movie, with a vaugley European leading man, ton of action, a kickass soundtrack, and loads of Sean Connery, I suggest Highlander.

About time, sweetheart.

Speaking of which, Highlander will be the subject of my next review. Assuming Meatloaf still plans to bring his tour out this way, expect that sometime next week.

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  • Paula

    Every time I see a picture of SJP, I hear this phrase…why the loooong face.

    Great review, can’t wait to read your take on Highlander. I agree there should have been a Goonies 2.

  • http://www.clan-donaldson.com Cari

    I’m swooning with happiness! However, I’m puzzled as to how the soundtrack, in all its synthesizer glory, missed a mention. Surely the “my little brother and his Casio wrote the movie score in our parents’ garage” action deserved a remark or two.

    Thank you, The Jerk. And I can’t wait for the Highlander review, either.

    • http://gravatar.com/bobcratchit6 bob cratchit

      I’m with Cari, the music was the worse part. I thought this was a great story that was ruined by the music. And possibly Matthew Brodericks antics. Jerk, I’ll give you that Michelle Pfeiffer wasn’t very good in *this* role but everything since then…(wasn’t she, like, the purdiest female on the screen ever!) I also didn’t think Rutger did all too bad in this. Did you know this film had a cameo shot in Gibsons, Conspiracy Theory? (Which was probably his best film ever)

  • http://amomforlife-theunconventionalfamily.blogspot.com/ Kelly

    Callista! AND that picture of Sean Connery,(again)– and actually, if one lined up all the pictures from this post with no text, I wonder, if there was like, a contest or something—to see what people thought the post was about—would be hi-larious.

    It’s a little early, I need more coffee.

    But loved it, Mr. J.—thanks!

  • http://www.indiatoappleton.blogspot.com Nancy

    My parents-in-law LOVE this movie. Also The Butterfly Effect. Help me . . .

  • Deirdre Mundy

    I thought Ladyhawke was terribly romantic when I was a 12 year old girl. But after a recent spate of “make our kids watch all the same bad 80s fantasy we did”, I realized that it ranks far, far, below Willow!

    And thanks for the reminder about the Goonies—my kids would LOVE that one. Plus, it has the Cyndi Lauper soundtrack! :)

  • SteveG

    I am nervously waiting for the Highlander review.

    I first saw it with my older brother as a 14 year old and thought it was the most awesomeist kick ass movie of all time!…at the time.

    Now…I can’t really tell.

    I think I still like it, but it’s all mixed up with other stuff…hanging out with my older brother and his wife, snarfing down pizza, watching highlander, and then playing super mario brothers until 4 in the morning on a regular basis (to the point where we’d basically memorized the dialogue), oh…and I think I had one of my first crushes on his Bonnie Heather. How can it not evoke fond memories.

    The sequels took some of the joy away, and then watching it as an adult, some of it makes on scratch ones head (especially the ending).

    But I still think I think it’s a pretty cool movie…here’s hoping it doesn’t get knocked down a few more pegs.

    • http://gravatar.com/thejerkdoesnotlikeyou The Jerk

      Highlander still kicks much ass. The ending seems a little rushed, and stupid, but the overall movie rocks.

    • http://gravatar.com/tonylayne tonylayne

      I know how you feel. When I was a kid, I thought Time Bandits was absolutely freakin’ hilarious. A few years ago, my buddy and I watched at least half an hour of it, waiting for it to get funny … I still snicker about the “Robin Hood” scene (“Is that really necessary?” “Yeah.” “Oh, all right.”), but otherwise, it leaves me flat. There are just some memories you don’t want to mess with … which is why I won’t watch Animal House ever again.

  • http://laurasslowgrowth.blogspot.com/2011/07/seven-quick-takes-friday.html Laura

    OH MY GOODNESS.

    As a Steubenville grad, I have nothing more to say besides THANK YOU.

  • A Girl

    Jerk! Rutger does get more interesting in his career as a bad guy. I was always fascinated by him here bc this is the ONE movie where he’s not killing people. Seriously. He’s all in love and stuff. It was a serious mind-f to see him in stuff like The Hitcher. (The 1986 one, o’ course)

    And shame on you for berating Matthew Broderick’s choice of women. SAVE FERRIS

    • http://gravatar.com/kaylancor Kaylan

      I agree about Rutger here. Only movie I remember where we get to see a nice guy. This was a female flick anyway, so The Jerk makes himself look bad reviewing it ;)

  • http://remnantofremnant.blogspot.com priest’s wife

    hhhhmmmm- I too loved this movie as a teen- but I would probably agree with The Jerk- just don’treview Some Kind of Wonderful & Labrinyth.

  • http://debsueknit.blogspot.com DebbieQ

    That has to be the BEST explanation of Ladyhawke EVAH!

  • Deirdre Mundy

    Labyrinth actually holds up really well, except for the one blue screen scene where they’re tossing heads!

    Part of my problem with LadyHawke is that I always find myself wishing it was the “Princess Bride.” PB is a better action movie AND a better comedy, and Cary Elwes is a much more…vibrant lead. Plus it has Mandy Potenkin!

    Unfortunately, it is also currently on “perpetual time out” at our house due to overenthusiastic swashbuckling on the part of the children. We can’t afford another ER visit so we’re in strict “Gun Violence Only” mode. (No one ever got sent to the ER for being at the wrong end of a loaded finger.)

    • A Girl

      Yes!!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE the Princess Bride.

      (Esp Mandy Potimkin’s eternal line….My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!)

      Sadly I can’t remember anything else that Cary Elwes did that was as good as this one. Steep downhill….cough..Robin Hood, Men In Tights..cough

      You need to reinstate this movie, Deidre…tell the kids to emulate Vizzini instead (“You hear of Aristotle? Socrates? Plato? MORONS!”)

      ;-)

      • Jeanne G.

        Ah ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! A ha ha HA!

        My husband and I watched Princess Bride this weekend. Vizzini rocks.

      • http://gravatar.com/tonylayne tonylayne

        PATINKIN!

        Yeah, Cary Elwes has chosen some bad scripts, though he did credible jobs in Glory and Twister. He didn’t even make young Karol Wojtyla interesting … but that may just have been the script once again.

        “I don’t doubt but you’ll have a headache when you wake up. But in the meantime, sleep well, and dream of large women.”

        “You fool! You broke the second-oldest rule in the book! The first oldest is, ‘Never get involved in a land war in China’; the second is, ‘Never match wits with a Sicilian when life and death are on the line!’”

        “Let me tell you something, sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world … except for a nice MLT, that’s a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, especially when the mutton’s nice and lean and the tomatoes are just ripe — they’re so perky. I love that.”

      • Sherry

        Glory and Ella Enchanted –Cary Elwes fangirl.

        Both worthy movies…but nothing beats Princess Bride. Endlessly watchable….think I will be going to fire up the DVD….

  • http://dumboldhousewives.blogspot.com/ Mariette Ulrich

    Oh please, DO review Labyrinth. It’s currently in a three-way tie for first place on my personal list of Worst Movies Ever Made, with “Virus” (Donald Sutherland) and “Xanadu” (Olivia Newton-John and, I’m sorry to say, Gene Kelly).

    PS. I liked Rutger in “Bladerunner.”

    • Tim

      You accidentally typed “Worst” when it should read “Best”. I haven’t seen “Labyrinth” or “Virus”, but surely any list with “Xanadu” in it must be one of great films.

      It’s a film about making a roller rink (a place that nobody dared to go… in the ’70s!!!) ONJ is a goddess! AND ELO DID THE SOUNDTRACK!!!

      • Sherry

        and muses….don’t forget the muses….and God help us…

        I just found this…

        http://xanaduonbroadway.com/

        The Mayan death day cannot come soon enough.

  • Veronica

    Thanks for another great review, I now eagerly wait for your review of Highlander, which wasn’t that bad of a movie as far as I remember… but then my memory does get hazy about movies, so I might be dead wrong.

    I agree with Deirdre, though, Labyrinth has stood the test of time amazingly well, I rewatched it about a month ago, and I enjoyed it as much as the first time I saw it! I’m planning to force my nieces to watch it, and hear their opinions about it, that should be interesting!

  • http://www.eafromtheheart.blogspot.com Maggie

    I don’t ever read your posts (I barely have time to eat) but scrolling down the pictures you posts always makes me laugh my @ss off!

  • barboo77

    Great review, Jerk!! I have always found this movie very forgettable as well. When I think of Rutger Hauer (which I rarely do), I can only think of him as Lothos in the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie. It’s one of those so borderline great/crappy movies that holds fond memories for me of junior high, actually the ONLY fond memories of junior high.

    How can anyone not like Labyrinth? Directed by Jim Henson, produced by George Lucas, written by Monty Python’s Terry Jones, and music by David Bowie?? I must admit that I also have a soft spot for Xanadu because I love Gene Kelly and the music by ELO. I know that soundtrack by heart.

    • http://dumboldhousewives.blogspot.com/ Mariette Ulrich

      Bowie, good; Swamp scene (excruciatingly long, wholly dependent on fart sounds), not so much.

      And I once owned the Xanadu soundtrack. ELO still rocks.

  • Veronica

    “How can anyone not like Labyrinth?”

    My thoughts exactly. If only more movies like that were made nodaways, the world would be a better place… or perhaps not, but children’s entertainment would at least be a lot less boring and a lot more creative. Personally I can’t stand all those crappy movies made for kids where they portray adults (especially parents) as complete idiots, and I’ve always liked Labyrinth for its accurate portrayal of that painful phase between childhood and adulthood that the main character is going through.

    Xanadu, though, it’s another matter… almost made my eyes bleed, though the music was OK, I think (it’s been a long time!).

  • http://thecornerwithaview.blogspot.com Julie @ The Corner With A View

    laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh

  • http://gravatar.com/thejerkdoesnotlikeyou The Jerk

    Looks like Labyrinth is next. Damnit.

    • http://www.clan-donaldson.com Cari

      Bear in mind, some of us came of age to the very confusing feelings caused by seeing David Bowie in those pants.

      And not all of us in question were girls.

      So tread lightly, The Jerk.

      • http://lydiapurpuraria.wordpress.com lydiacubbedge

        I was hoping someone would mention those pants. Thank you.

  • http://gravatar.com/mamalong Sarah Long

    The only thing I really remember about this movie is the disappointment it caused because it had been talked up pretty hard by my parents. That and the shish-ka-bishop joke a friend made while watching it.

  • Margaret

    I have to round out the NyQuil leading man selections with two more– the guy who played the lead in RoboCop and the guy who played the lead in (think really really hard and you’ll remember it) The Philadelphia Experiment. Maybe they could form a NyQuil Quartet and open for the Moody Blues…

  • http://dumboldhousewives.blogspot.com/ Mariette Ulrich

    Confession time. I probably would have liked Labyrinth if I’d seen it when it was released. I only saw it for the first time last year. On YouTube. (And I dare to call myself a Bowie and Henson fan.) OK… ready for some real abuse now.

  • Veronica

    Mariette: That explains a lot! Try giving Labyrinth another chance, the new Blu-Ray version looks very nice.

    The Jerk: No, please don’t review Labyrinth! Why not go for Xanadu instead? I mean, if there’s a movie that really deserves a trashing, that one works perfectly. *painful memories of people on rollerblades come to mind*

    And yeah, I have to admit I STILL have a crush on David Bowie, even though I first saw Labyrinth when I was about 9 or 10. Yes, I’m weird and I don’t care!

  • http://feetfirst.blogspot.com Dr Alice

    KOLCHAK! I loved Kolchak! And thanks for another great review, The Jerk. I remember when this movie first came out, making a decision not to see it – looks like I chose wisely. :)

  • Tom Hanson

    You’re a better man than I am Gunga Din. Mary, my much-better half and I tried to watch it at full price on its opening night and walked out within the 1st 15 minutes. Before we could figure out what the plot was really about. For us it was the music forced us out. I don’t think a more precisely wrong score has ever been been put on a fairly big budget Hollywood movie. Don’t care, and didn’t then, that the record made pretty big bucks for a film score. From our reaction to the music for the opening titles ” Whaaat the HEEELLL?” to the quickly-come point where we looked at each other and and agreed, pretty loudly I’m afraid, that LadyHawke would never get better and walked out, the score fought everything the movie seemed to be trying to do.

    And you have actually been able to watch it more than once? My hat is off to the strength of your stomach, sir, although my respect for your critical sense has fallen. For heaven’s SAKE what demon has possessed you? At the very least you need to seek psychological help for your masochism. If that doesn’t stem what appears to be a compulsion, seek exorcistic aide through your diocesan Chancery.

  • http://allthingsgale.blogspot.com Lisa G.

    HAAAAAHAHAHAA! I can’t WAIT for the Highlander review! Netflix recommended it to me as I just finished Battlestar Galactica. I tried it on a whim and haven’t regretted it yet ;) Sean Connery is especially convincing as a Greek Spaniard. And every time they focus the camera on Christopher Lambert’s cross-eyes, my knees go a little weak… Thanks Jerk.

  • http://lydiapurpuraria.wordpress.com lydiacubbedge

    Can I just say that the thought of the Jerk reviewing Highlander has made my week? Which gives you an idea of the week I’ve had. Highlander is both perhaps one of the awesomest as well as one of the worst movies ever. Now I’m singing “I am Immortal! I have in me the blood of Kings!” and adding it to my Netflix queue.

  • http://moss-place.stblogs.org Pansy Moss

    Uh oh, don’t be dissing my Highlander!

    I never understood that curse…or Matthew Broderick…or Michelle Pfeiffer’s hair.

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  • http://n/a Brenda

    You know what gets me- that all of you are relying on a nobody, using the code name The Jerk as a so called reviewer, who drinks and evidently has little brain cells left…. I loved this movie, even the music, so do my kids and many people I know. I don’t mind any of you not liking this or even Rutger but seriously let it go!!!! As for The Holland cracks they have helped us here too, even with out Rutger…. As for Willow, Princess Bride and Labyrinth…. please- they were the mediocre movies…. They were okay but seriously lacking depth and a storyline- and don’t get me started on Tom Cruise….. Rutger can stay in bed and still out act him and many others and not bad to look at either…. I just have to ask- would you say these things to Hauer, MR.JERK- i think not.. you’d pee and pooo yourself- god I’d love to see it.. This wasn’t a review it was a bunch of people ripping something apart and others I am sure… for kicks… so be it… this was minutes of life wasted and this site is a joke…. enjoy yourselves while the rest of us Follow Hauer and others like him who can really act….. ciao….. (that’s good bye- thought iI’d broaden your vocabulary) B

  • http://n/a Brenda

    I just had to update here… I just met Mr Hauer…. awesome man and humanitarian… Raising money for Kids and his Starfish Association… he was only one of few who actually took the time to speak- i mean really speak to his fans and he literally treated me and my family like old friends- he was the hit of the convention in North Carolina 3/23- 3/25/12….Get to know the man it is worth your time…. I will put this moment close to top of list only behind my kid’s births, my wedding and meeting my husband- also huge Hauer fan!!!! GO Rutger!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Deirdre Mundy

    What the heck? This is an ancient thread…. Simcha, I think you may have an invasion of Rutger Hauer Sock Puppets!

    • http://n/a Brenda

      Might be ancient to you, deirdre, but i just found it by chance and shared my feelings on what was said… problem with that? good… as for the sock puppets put one in your mouth or over your face and move on… If either of you can’t handle the comments given get rid of this thread…. bye…brenda

  • http://gravatar.com/rosenigel Kahili

    Brenda’s right. Rutger is a true gentleman and scholar. Why, just last week he rescued a basket of kittens from an oncoming truck. RIght before he took a busload of orphans out for ice cream. And he was the one who answered the suicide hotline the night I found out Chaz Bono was booted from Dancing with the Stars.

    How could you, Jerk? What, do you hate kittens? Monster.

    • http://n/a Brenda

      well now i really must have pissed you off… what a waste of space and breathe for you to exist in that little hole in the ground you jumped out of…. He really did the things I stated and yes I met him- take time and look us up on his website if you can get help to do that much… you can spell… right? Its:www.R U T G E R H A U E R. O R G. This has got to be the most pathetic excuse for idiots and computers… At least he doesn’t waste his life, as you do, putting others down and tries toi help others- you, well you take up valuable space and air… wish I had a basket for you and a truck…. have a wonderful day, oh wait- you can’t stand anything nice so here have a crappy day and manyy more- remember, KARMA sometimes sucks so Duck…..

      • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

        Brenda, Brenda, Brenda … What can I say? Oh, I know: You Are Deranged.

        • http://www.facebook.com/brenda.dick3 Brenda Dick

          jerk, jerk, jerk… what can i say, pathetic and delusional…..good spell job, though…. so proud… really gold star to you

      • http://gravatar.com/rosenigel Kahili

        Wow, Brenda, I think Rutger would be very ashamed of you and your threat to put me in a basket with those kittens. Don’t you know? Rutger wants me for a sunbeam!

        • http://www.facebook.com/brenda.dick3 Brenda Dick

          doubt it… i ‘d leave the kitties safe and well you can have the basket all to yourself. take jerk with you…

  • Dani

    Hey Jerk, tread lightly on Highlander. There is no geek cult following for Ladyhawke, but I’ve met people who have given their children the middle name Tcboo (the first letter of each word in the phrase “there can be only one”). NOOOO, it wasn’t me!!!! I swear!!!

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  • Eileen Macfarlane

    Ladyhawke is my favorite all time movie EVER! Rutgar Hauer is the perfect romantic tragic knight, the movie has great action, humor , beautiful scenery and the best music!, A beautiful portrayal of an old European fairy tale. Too bad you can’t appreciate it!

    • http://www.facebook.com/brenda.dick3 Brenda Dick

      eileen, my sentiments exactly….. as for his statements on rutger just hot air, er gas in the wind….those who cannot rise above this stench deserve it… i met mr hauer and he was beyond kind to me and my kids….fan 4 life.. the jerk well is fanless- unless he can count him and his other personalities…. see ya…. nice comment though… have a good one

      • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

        Brenda,

        It’s great to see you back. I guess your caretakers are letting you have time on the Internet again. Somebody must be showing improvement in group, huh? Let me know when they give you back real cutlery at meal time.

        We believe in you Brenda. Good luck, and keep safe.

        • http://www.facebook.com/brenda.dick3 Brenda Dick

          seriously you have me mixed up with you- AGAIN! I have no caretakers, no issues, sweetie- its ok your having delusions- again…. tell you what I won’t tax you pathetic little mind and fragile ego anymore… its okay those shadows and your imaginary friends won’t hurt you…take your meds sweetie and relax…. its ok…. i hope visiting hours arer extended for you so you can try to have a life…. good job, its okayyyyy……good boy, good boy…. see ya… i feel you need some real help since reality checked out…. good luck and hope your therapy works… i wont’t answer back since it makes you feel soooo baddd…. bye.. bye

  • glenn

    rutger rocks!!!