Is this a Cuban I see before me?

Hi,

I’m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time the USCCB named me the second worst fictional Catholic on the internet.

Who’s Number 1?

Fine, fine. I can be the bigger man and accept defeat. I would like to know what tipped the scales.

Dude, it was that hair. It’s creepier than some of the shit we found in Maciel’s sock drawer.

Before I ruin Simcha’s chances at ever being invited to speak at some money-bags event, like The Catholic Ladies for Muslim Fashion Awards, I better get on with the movie.

RED DAWN

 

Remember that time when you were a kid at a family BBQ and your Uncle Terry was going on and on and on and on about the Communists? Remember how he talked about his bunker and canned goods? About the differences between a .357 round and a .45? About how he turned in his Social Security card? How Reagan was really a secret Russian mole?

Get me another Coors, kiddo.

Yeah, this is the movie Uncle Terry would have written if he ever got his typing privileges back. Pure 80’s paranoia is on full display in the story written and directed by Hollywood’s favorite gun-nut, John Milius.

Don’t forget, I’m kind of a fascist too.

Fun fact: John Milius served as the inspiration for Walter in The Big Lebowski. I just said that so you nerds couldnt.

The movie asks the question; What would happen if America was invaded by Cuba? BUT in the movie, the Cubans have real tanks and stuff. In reality, we know the ’55 Chevy’s with inoperable Gatling guns bolted to the hoods that they actually have would never make the trip.

But we really do have good health care.

Why don’t you cram a Cohiba, Commie.

The movie’s answer involves a Patrick Swazye, Charlie Sheen, and everybody’s favorite actor that isn’t Steve Guttenberg, C. Thomas Howell, as a band of teens who become freedom fighters.

The producers felt I was a little too Guttenberg-y for the role.

Once our idyllic small town in Colorado gets invaded by the Cubans, with the Russians not far behind, our teens managed to escape to the mountains where the initially hope to wait out World War III.

What, no broads?

Oh, don’t worry, soon our all male ensemble is rounded out by the alluring beauty of Ally Sheedy and Jennifer Grey. Stop laughing.

I was Baby!

And I’m a Chinese Jet Pilot.

The movie takes an episodic approach , showing the evolution of these crazy mixed up kids into fierce freedom fighters. Since this is sort of a Brat Pack apocalypse movie, they take the name of their high school mascot, Wolverines.

That’s kinda gay.

As  this is the 1980s, the Wolverines take on some pretty obvious similarities of the Mujaheddin in Afghanistan, another group of freedom fighters sticking it to the Communists. I wonder how that war turned out?

“Pretty Obvious” is also the name of my autobiography.

Honorable mention goes to two actors, Powers Booth and Harry Dean Stanton. Powers plays an American fighter pilot shot down who spends some time helping our youngsters. Man, Powers Booth should have had a much better career.

I see myself as the thinking man’s John Saxon.

Harry Dean Stanton plays the father of Swayze and Sheen. Did I forget to mention they are brothers in the movie?

I was real sorry for The Swayze on this one.

Old Harry Dean He gets put into a “re-education camp” by the Commies because he was a gun owner. Dun Dun DUN!

And THAT’S why I don’t use flouride!

See, the Gummint rules about knowing who has a gun is all part of the plot to soften us up for the invasion. Also part of the invasion, illegal aliens! The Cubans sent a vanguard over the boarder disguised as Mexicans. The only thing missing from this movie was a sub-plot about Zionism.

It’s always missing. Know why? THE JEWS!

Until next time, amigos, keep your precious bodily fluids intact.

Oh, next up, we’ll check out how  REAL AMERICAN HERO Ronnie Reagan deals with Commies in Hong Kong.

Who wet my pants?

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  • suburbancorrespondent

    I’m thinking this is probably the best movie review ever.

  • http://twitter.com/CariDonaldson Cari Donaldson (@CariDonaldson)

    Ken wanted to watch this movie the other night. It was only through a masterful demonstration of bait-and-switch that I managed to not have to sit through it.

    I think I’ll send him this review. It’ll either cure his hankering, or seal my doom.

  • richard

    Thanks for the laughs.

  • Clare

    K-Lo interviewed the lady who turned my favorite author into a conservative dating guide. Like, a nice interview. I will forgive her never.

  • Deirdre Mundy

    Ahhh… Red Dawn…. every teen’s fantasy, because an invasion gives you the excuse to be a brave band of freedom fighters instead of a bunch of brats. It’s almost like the writer saw the popularity of Alien invasion movies/miniseries and said “Alien invasion…. hahahaha… but what if it was ILLEGAL aliens doing the invading?”

    And yes, I loved that film. Because Mr. Reagan saved us from the Bomb and the Commies and made that scary Berlin Wall come down and Russia super-cool and democratic like us instead of an autocratic wasteland where Christians were imprisoned for criticizing the government……

    hmmm… Do you think presidents, even the ones I like, may actually have very little to do with what happens long-term in other countries?

  • Josh

    As the husband of a Cuban, I have no problem with invading Cubans. I successfully invaded one last night.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

    I just want to see the comments, but I can’t think of anything to say.

  • Tim in Cleveland

    Wasn’t this remade, but called “Breaking Dawn” and the Cubans are vampires (or were they the teenagers?)

    • http://lnorthrup.com/blog Laura Bird

      No, because I would have actually watched that movie.

  • http://gravatar.com/rachelbalducci rachelbalducci

    Maybe it’s because I’m Southern (I’ll blame it on that) but making fun of someone for being overweight is totally rude. It makes your wife look really bad, too, because she is gifted and hilarious and her blog doesn’t really need to stoop to these kind of tactics for laughs. The Jerk is pretty funny to except when he’s being, well, a jerk.

  • http://gravatar.com/rachelbalducci rachelbalducci

    and crud yes I totally put “to” instead of “too” which probably does nothing for my street cred.

  • http://www.Creativeminorityreport.com Patrick Archbold

    It was Lea Thompson not Ally Sheedy. How you could ever confuse the two?

    Best Red Dawn Quote Ever:

    Jed Eckert: …Well, who *is* on our side?

    Col. Andy Tanner: Six hundred million screaming Chinamen.

    Darryl Bates: Last I heard, there were a billion screaming Chinamen.

    Col. Andy Tanner: There *were*.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

    Hey, folks. I’ve edited out that picture. I’m sorry about that. It’s my blog, and I’m responsible for everything on it. For what it’s worth, I happen to know that some of The Jerk’s favorite women are signifcantly overweight! It’s true that The Jerk is not a fan of K-lo’s writing, but I think he was mostly making fun of the name of her blog on Patheos – which, last I checked, is actually called “At Large,” which is either very clueless, or seems to intentionally invite jokes Anyway, again, I’m sorry for this whole incident.

    • Tim in Cleveland

      I call on The Jerk to drop out of this year’s race for worst fictional catholic on the internet.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

        Whellllll. . . The Jerk is secure enough in his Jerkiness that he doesn’t need constant affirmation anyway.

      • Josh

        For the good of the party, I agree. But he won’t do it and that fictional Catholic Claire McCaskill will win. Tragic.

    • http://creativefidelity.wordpress.com Dan F.

      meh, i thought it was funny but then we didn’t sleep much last night between one kid teething, new baby being fussy and mommy coming down with mastitis. Oh, yeah, and I was kind of a jerk and managed to start a midnight fight so she didn’t get any sleep. bad husband award.

      so maybe it was insensitive and I just don’t have filters today.

  • Josh

    I’d never looked into Michael Voris before. Thanks, Jerk, for broadening my horizons. That guy is like a cross between Terry Colafrancesco and Alex Jones. Exploring the Catholic fringe is a hobby of mine and Voris is like red meat. It must suck to have your Archbishop ask you to stop using the word “Catholic” to describe yourself. Talk about hurting your brand.

    And what’s this bit in the opening about “fictional Catholic”? If “The Jerk” is all one big lie, I’m not sure I want to know what Truth is. (From Vortex life principle #37: fiction = lying.)

    • pjm

      Yes, by all means you should broaden your horizons from someone who calls himself the jerk. You can’t make this stuff up.

      • Josh

        I’m glad we agree!

      • http://datelineapocalypse.wordpress.com The Jerk

        Actually, you CAN make this stuff up. Watch: “Yes, by all means you should pay attention to criticism from pjm, a known cross-dresser with a debilitating glue sniffing addiction.”

        See, fun!

        • pjm

          See what I mean…

  • Deirdre Mundy

    Am I the only one who repeatedly confuses Voris with a Mike Meyer sketch gone awry, only to realize that no, this guy seems to think he’s really real?

  • http://denythecat.blogspot.com Brian Sullivan

    But what about the soon to be released remake? Or is this a remake? I’m confused.

  • Keith

    We’re getting away from the important fact that Red Dawn was awesome! It’s fun to look back and make fun of it, but you know, deep down, when you watched it back in 1984 you thought it was awesome too. WOLVERINES!

  • Greg

    Nah, but how ’bout a thumb?

  • anna lisa

    Simcha, you’re a good woman. I’m assuming you watched it, and didn’t claim to have a headache. And to think, I made my poor husband go see Ruby Sparks last night. He’d had a hell of a day being our gladiator, out there swinging corporate fists and getting himself in some hot water in the process. Even I’m ashamed. he said, “oh my Lord, do you owe me.” I heartily agreed, I was somewhat disgusted with myself also.

  • http://www.facebook.com/marianne.gilbert.52 Marianne Gilbert

    I actually happened to attend a talk by Voris just this weekend, and whilst my mind did briefly wander long enough for me to mentally rearrange his hair, I was bowled over by what an incredibly humble and inspiring man he is. There is nothing ‘creepy’ about him.

    It is neither good nor kind nor wise to use your hilarious wit to insult real people.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

      Well, I’m not The Jerk and The Jerk’s not me, but I’ll answer this anyway: he may be humble, but he’s an anti-semite and a moron. He does everything he can to foment outrage and panic among Catholics, and doesn’t mind trashing innocent people’s reputations if it will get him more hits on YouTube. I think it’s a work of mercy to warn people that sensible and intelligent Catholics have no respect whatsoever for this nasty little charlatan.

      • Deirdre Mundy

        See, Simcha? You just went and got yourself uninvited from the conspiracy-theory-catholic conference circuit. You’ll never get any gigs at this rate…you might as well throw in your lot with the Jesuits and the Freemasons!

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

          I know, that was a really slick move to have The Jerk post just now, wasn’t it? I suppose he, at least, might still hire me for the evening, but it wouldn’t be the same.

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