Is this a Cuban I see before me?


I’m The Jerk. You might remember me from that time the USCCB named me the second worst fictional Catholic on the internet.

Who’s Number 1?

Fine, fine. I can be the bigger man and accept defeat. I would like to know what tipped the scales.

Dude, it was that hair. It’s creepier than some of the shit we found in Maciel’s sock drawer.

Before I ruin Simcha’s chances at ever being invited to speak at some money-bags event, like The Catholic Ladies for Muslim Fashion Awards, I better get on with the movie.



Remember that time when you were a kid at a family BBQ and your Uncle Terry was going on and on and on and on about the Communists? Remember how he talked about his bunker and canned goods? About the differences between a .357 round and a .45? About how he turned in his Social Security card? How Reagan was really a secret Russian mole?

Get me another Coors, kiddo.

Yeah, this is the movie Uncle Terry would have written if he ever got his typing privileges back. Pure 80’s paranoia is on full display in the story written and directed by Hollywood’s favorite gun-nut, John Milius.

Don’t forget, I’m kind of a fascist too.

Fun fact: John Milius served as the inspiration for Walter in The Big Lebowski. I just said that so you nerds couldnt.

The movie asks the question; What would happen if America was invaded by Cuba? BUT in the movie, the Cubans have real tanks and stuff. In reality, we know the ’55 Chevy’s with inoperable Gatling guns bolted to the hoods that they actually have would never make the trip.

But we really do have good health care.

Why don’t you cram a Cohiba, Commie.

The movie’s answer involves a Patrick Swazye, Charlie Sheen, and everybody’s favorite actor that isn’t Steve Guttenberg, C. Thomas Howell, as a band of teens who become freedom fighters.

The producers felt I was a little too Guttenberg-y for the role.

Once our idyllic small town in Colorado gets invaded by the Cubans, with the Russians not far behind, our teens managed to escape to the mountains where the initially hope to wait out World War III.

What, no broads?

Oh, don’t worry, soon our all male ensemble is rounded out by the alluring beauty of Ally Sheedy and Jennifer Grey. Stop laughing.

I was Baby!
And I’m a Chinese Jet Pilot.

The movie takes an episodic approach , showing the evolution of these crazy mixed up kids into fierce freedom fighters. Since this is sort of a Brat Pack apocalypse movie, they take the name of their high school mascot, Wolverines.

That’s kinda gay.

As  this is the 1980s, the Wolverines take on some pretty obvious similarities of the Mujaheddin in Afghanistan, another group of freedom fighters sticking it to the Communists. I wonder how that war turned out?

“Pretty Obvious” is also the name of my autobiography.

Honorable mention goes to two actors, Powers Booth and Harry Dean Stanton. Powers plays an American fighter pilot shot down who spends some time helping our youngsters. Man, Powers Booth should have had a much better career.

I see myself as the thinking man’s John Saxon.

Harry Dean Stanton plays the father of Swayze and Sheen. Did I forget to mention they are brothers in the movie?

I was real sorry for The Swayze on this one.

Old Harry Dean He gets put into a “re-education camp” by the Commies because he was a gun owner. Dun Dun DUN!

And THAT’S why I don’t use flouride!

See, the Gummint rules about knowing who has a gun is all part of the plot to soften us up for the invasion. Also part of the invasion, illegal aliens! The Cubans sent a vanguard over the boarder disguised as Mexicans. The only thing missing from this movie was a sub-plot about Zionism.

It’s always missing. Know why? THE JEWS!

Until next time, amigos, keep your precious bodily fluids intact.

Oh, next up, we’ll check out how  REAL AMERICAN HERO Ronnie Reagan deals with Commies in Hong Kong.

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