Grief, hope, exhaustion, prayer request

I wasn’t sure whether to make this public or not, but what the heck. I know you guys are wonderful pray-ers, so if you could spare a quick Hail Mary or a “Jesus, help us” prayer, I would be grateful!

Yesterday, I was halfway through a post announcing that I am pregnant with a very much desired baby #10.  Then I started bleeding steadily all day yesterday.  Today, I have just about stopped bleeding.  I went to the lab yesterday, so they could test HCG levels.  They will do another test Wednesday afternoon, and I will get the results in the evening.  So, unless things take a terrible turn in the mean time, I will not know whether it’s reasonable to have hope for this baby or not. It may not be reasonable to hope.

Up and down, up and down. I have never had a miscarriage before. I know that’s practically a miracle.  We’ve had complications, but God has given us nine mostly healthy children with no losses.  I know that He has given us this baby, too.  Baby is the size of a blueberry, and is starting to sprout fingers and toes.  Or he should be.  Anyway, he is real, and I haven’t said goodbye yet.

I am keeping up hope because I would rather grieve a baby than not know how to feel, if I find out he is dead.  I am not trying to figure out how to feel, and I am not beating myself up over feeling the wrong things, or for forgetting for a moment what’s happening.  It’s just up and down, up and down.  My husband is working from home, and he will be home tomorrow. I am just keeping busy and staying warm, and am happy to be with my family.

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  • Miriel Reneau

    Oh Simcha. You’ve got prayers — a lot of them — for the baby and for you. However things turn out, I am so sorry you’re going through this.

  • theevangelista

    My sister and I just offered a Memorare and our Angelus for you and your baby (and your whole family), and we will continue to pray!

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/prayergardens/ Margaret Rose Realy

    Praying for you and your littlest one. Mother Mary mother Simcha in this time of waiting.

  • Lesterlynn

    Sending out prayers for the Littlest Fisher, and for all of the other Fishers. Praying for good news and healing. God bless you all.

  • bob cratchit

    Go bless you guys. My wife and I will be praying.

  • Jeni

    Praying Simcha!!!

  • pattymarie

    Love and prayers from the Arnolds.

  • georgefamily5

    So hard. Praying for you and your family.

  • Julie

    You’ll be in my prayers. And I’m glad you aren’t worrying “how to feel.” It’s a healthy place to be when you are in rough times.

  • Margaret Christ

    Praying!

  • jillvt

    Praying for you dear Simcha and your family. I have had two miscarriages, and I suspect aside from losing a child you’ve already given birth to, there is no worse feeling. But I suspect this lucky #10 is going to be just wonderful. I will say the St. Andrew’s Christmas Novena for you, Damien and all 10 of your children.

  • Tina

    Praying!

  • Christine~Soccer Mom

    Praying for you right now. Hang in there. ((Hugs))

  • Teresa B.

    Prayers from Orangeville, Ontario, Canada.

  • roughplacesplain

    prayers, Simcha – nancyo

  • Bonnie Engstrom

    I will certainly pray.

  • Rachel

    Praying for you and baby, Simcha!

  • Erica S

    You and your little one are in our prayers.

  • anna lisa

    Oh Simcha, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. When we were expecting our little Charlotte, I began to bleed right while we were all rushing around trying to get to Sunday mass. I was resigned to losing the baby, told my husband what was happening,sent them off to mass and just got into bed to wait. Of course I prayed, and fully put her little life in God’s hands.–Well, you know the story has a happy ending! That little whippersnapper is the joy of our lives.
    I’m going to noon mass in an hour and a half and will offer it for you, your family, and your little one. Remember, that no matter what happens, this child’s life is a tremendous blessing, and reality was forever changed when his soul came into existence.
    Only good comes to those that love the Lord, even when that good resembles a cross.
    ((hug))

  • Sherry

    I know this loss, and this pre-loss feeling. I’m sorry for this limbo state, it’s I think the hardest. You’re doing the right thing, staying close to home, staying with your family, just being. Prayers.

  • Angelique C Paek

    Praying.

  • Renee Bouchard Gardiner

    Praying for you during this time of uncertainty; wondering why doc didn’t do an ultrasound?

  • gregcamacho8

    Prayers for you and your family. Mary keep you close, God comfort you.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

    You have my sincerest and heartfelt prayers for Baby Somechop.

  • bluebird2b

    Prayers from New York

  • http://www.thesewallsblog.com/ Julie Walsh

    Oh, I’m so sorry. I will keep you and your wee little one in prayer.

  • Lisa Rickards

    We’ll head out to the Vigil Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God in a little while. I’ll offer it for you and your family and ask Our Mother to pray for you all. Hugs and prayers from NoVA.

  • Cordelia

    Hugs & prayers! I rejoice for the life of little Tenth, and also that you & your husband can be together these two difficult days – and I pray you will know joy tomorrow.

    Thank you for all the encouragement ( and laughter) your writing has brought into my struggling experience of motherhood.

  • Megan

    Lifting you up continually. It’s all very surreal and overwhelming when you’re in the thick of the waiting game with no real answers, yet the world keeps turning…

    Guardian angels we beg you to surround and protect Simcha and the soul within her, and Lord if it’s your will, let them raise this precious babe You have created.

  • Fr. Denis Lemieux

    So very sorry. Please be assured of my prayers.

  • Jennifer Anzalone

    It is hard to know what to feel. This is one situation in which you have zero control over the outcome–unnerving to us humans. Whenever I have found myself on this particular rollercoaster, it has helped to remember that the baby is already known to God. Baby is already unconditionally loved by Him and has been woven into His intricate plan. Rest assured, whether this baby continues to grow until he/she is cuddled in your arms or heads to heaven after a brief earthly life nestled within you, it is His plan. In my case, God blessed us with a baby within a short time after each miscarriage. In my heart, I know they are my babies as well, and I look forward to meeting them. You are Baby’s momma. Your love is real, as is your grief should that be His plan. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this and hope that God eases you through, whichever path He has in mind. God bless.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A

  • Maura Shea

    Praying for you, your baby, and your whole family. I think you are doing the right thing by not trying to figure out how you feel, or should feel, or whatever. God bless you.

  • Anna

    Oh, that limbo state is so hard; I’ve been through it twice, once losing the baby and the other time, well, he’s almost 2 years old now. Anyway, prayers for you and your baby.

  • ABST27

    praying for you. We lost two and I gave birth to two. I think of the two as praying for the rest of us.

  • Heather Turner

    Many prayers, Simcha! I went through something similar back in September and am now still pregnant and going on 19 weeks. It is certainly possible, but the limbo feeling is indeed wretched!

  • Susan Windley-Daoust

    Prayers, Simcha. :(

  • Allison

    Ok, so I never comment, but just wanted you to know I am offering my rosary today for you. I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Praying/hoping/crossing fingers all is well with baby.

  • http://janalynmarie.blogspot.com/ Beadgirl

    I’m praying hard for you!

  • Line

    I am so sorry, you have my prayers

  • Eileen

    Prayers for you and your little one. I know it’s easier said than done but try not to worry and get some rest.

  • Maya Resnikoff

    You’ll be in my prayers.

  • TracyE

    Prayers. Prayers.

  • Barbara Fryman

    So wise of you to be merciful to yourself. Prayers for the babe and the family.

  • jenny

    Praying right now, Simcha ! Big hug.

  • Claire

    Many prayers for you and your baby Simcha. May our blessed mother intercede for you today on her feast day.

  • Melissa Hunter-Kilmer

    Praying. Thank you so much for letting us know! I am holding you and your baby in my heart as if you were my beloved daughter and your baby one of my wonderful grandchildren. Mother Mary, pray for Simcha and her family!

  • Karyn

    We are praying for you and baby and the family.

  • http://connecticutcatholiccorner.blogspot.com/ CT Catholic Corner

    Praying for you!!

  • Catherine

    I’ve commented here before, but just wanted to let you know I’ve prayed for you.

  • schaub.g

    I am adding my prayers to all of the others. With my last pregnancy I had a similar experience. Scared the heart out of me. I prayed hard and the result was a beautiful girl, Olivia, now a sassy 19 year old. I’m praying hard for you, the little baby and your family.

  • Jennifer Lamb

    Praying for peace for you -

  • Rebecca Fuentes

    Bless you, of course we shall pray!

  • Guest

    Simcha, I’m so sorry for the stress and hope that we don’t end up being sorry for your loss. I’ve been thinking a lot about your love of children since reading your NFP book. My mom had a major 3-day bleeding episode when she was pregnant with me and had resigned herself to the loss when she saw me “dancing” on the ultrasound, you never know. Prayers and love from Chicago.

  • Mary H.

    I didn’t read this until today, but I’m praying anyway.