Grief, hope, exhaustion, prayer request

I wasn’t sure whether to make this public or not, but what the heck. I know you guys are wonderful pray-ers, so if you could spare a quick Hail Mary or a “Jesus, help us” prayer, I would be grateful!

Yesterday, I was halfway through a post announcing that I am pregnant with a very much desired baby #10.  Then I started bleeding steadily all day yesterday.  Today, I have just about stopped bleeding.  I went to the lab yesterday, so they could test HCG levels.  They will do another test Wednesday afternoon, and I will get the results in the evening.  So, unless things take a terrible turn in the mean time, I will not know whether it’s reasonable to have hope for this baby or not. It may not be reasonable to hope.

Up and down, up and down. I have never had a miscarriage before. I know that’s practically a miracle.  We’ve had complications, but God has given us nine mostly healthy children with no losses.  I know that He has given us this baby, too.  Baby is the size of a blueberry, and is starting to sprout fingers and toes.  Or he should be.  Anyway, he is real, and I haven’t said goodbye yet.

I am keeping up hope because I would rather grieve a baby than not know how to feel, if I find out he is dead.  I am not trying to figure out how to feel, and I am not beating myself up over feeling the wrong things, or for forgetting for a moment what’s happening.  It’s just up and down, up and down.  My husband is working from home, and he will be home tomorrow. I am just keeping busy and staying warm, and am happy to be with my family.

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