Return of the Satanazis!

“Unspeakable horrors from outer space paralyze the living and resurrect the dead!” It’s …

We start on the radio, with a Dobson ‘N’ Friends chat on the evils of evil evildoers.

Wife-beating apologist James Dobson offers a sweeping, but still fairly generic, condemnation:

If you scratch around anywhere near the Planned Parenthood message and the function of Planned Parenthood, you see wickedness; you see evil.

And Kristin Hawkins chimes in with a full-gonzo conspiracy theory:

Planned Parenthood’s plan for you: One, give you the lowest ranked condoms that are available on the market today, the lowest ranked by Consumer Reports condoms, so you think Planned Parenthood’s great, they’re giving you bad condoms, then they’re going to give you birth control that can cause breast cancer, they’re going to give you low-dose birth control, and then they’re going to give you an abortion, and this is their plan to make money.

Yes, if only you’d bought that Planned Parenthood stock at $3 back when you had the chance.

Dare-to-Discipline survivor Ryan Dobson finishes up by going the full Godwin:

You know what I hope happens, I hope what happens is what they did in Germany after World War II that the people living near concentration camps, they walk them through those areas. That’s what they did to the Germans, those living near the concentration camps, the government walked them through those places where they were killing people every day saying “this is what you let happen.” Every Planned Parenthood and abortion provider in America, the people living in those communities around them should have to go through and say “this is what you let happen.”

If you’ve got a problem with that kind of rhetoric, then Republican Arizona state Rep. Jack Harper has a message for you:

Maybe you should change your baby-killer message. Why don’t you move back to China where your “party” controls the message by force.

Yeah, move back to China, you baby-killer. You and Desmond Tutu both.

(Seriously, Tutu’s invitation to speak at Gonzaga University has drawn the wrath of the American Life League. Invite an Anglican archbishop and Nobel Peace Prize laureate to speak at Gonzaga “And who will gain?” they ask. “Only the abortion lobby.”)

The forces of [self-]righteousness leafleting the home of a Maryland abortion provider get only partial credit. They call him a Nazi, but fail to say anything at all about Satan:

In the flier, Stave is depicted in a Nazi uniform much like the one Nazi SS commander Heinrich Himmler is shown wearing. Next to Himmler’s photo are the words “responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent men, women and children.” The words next to Stave only differ at the very end. Instead of men, women and children, the flier states Stave is “responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent pre-born babies.”

Remember: All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to fail to photoshop pictures of other people into Nazi uniforms. Just like Bonhoeffer did.

And just like Harriet Tubman, too, because remember, the evildoers are just like the slaveowners of the old South. Don’t take my word for it — take it from this white Southern preacher:

Pro-life advocate the Rev. Jim McGarvey began his Church for Life ministry several years ago under the conviction that abortion is a “satanic enterprise,” and uses John 8:44 as evidence, which states:

“You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.”

See? McGarvey isn’t just offering his opinion about the Satanic baby-killers — he provides “evidence.” (Note that this “evidence” doesn’t just frame anyone McGarvey happens to disagree with as children of the devil — it also frames McGarvey himself as Jesus. He’s Jesus, they’re the devil. That’s what the “evidence” proves.)

So far we’ve learned that the Satanic/Nazi baby-killers have a secret conspiracy to make money by giving women cancer with cancer screenings. But at least no one’s accusing them of being cannibals by reviving a good old-fashioned blood libel.

What? Oh. Nevermind.

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  • Tonio

    In other news, Wisconsin requests exemption from the 19th Amendment and revokes driver’s licenses for women. The governor has also proposed giving fathers legal title to their daughters’ wombs.

  • J.D. Banks

    Men who have sworn off ever having sex really need to stop thinking they have any authority on the female reproductive system.


    Men who have sworn off ever having sex really need to stop thinking they have any authority on the female reproductive system.


    Men who have sworn off ever having sex really need to stop thinking they have any authority on the female reproductive system.


    Men who have sworn off ever having sex really need to stop thinking they have any authority on the female reproductive system.

  • I know I’ve read at least one good piece online explaining why equating violence protesting abortion to violence protesting slavery isn’t sensible…

    Might be this piece by Ta-Nehisi Coates from a few years back.

    but what if, for example, I wanted to protest cruelty to animals, something I consider a valid cause? 

    The linked piece argues that slave owners did view slaves as “people”; the personhood of a slave was not the point of contention. Rather, abolitionists believed that all persons had equal rights, regardless of skin color, while the slaveowners believed blacks were not equal to whites.

    With abortion arguments, the question of personhood is in dispute. Fertilized egg, implanted egg, viable embryo, 10 weeks, 12 weeks, delivered? The question of “are all persons equal and granted equal rights” comes after the question of “when does this potential person become an actual person?”

    Animals are definitely not persons. Arguments against ‘cruelty to animals’ (which I suspect means something more than being part of the Anti-Kitten Burning Coalition) don’t pivot around the idea that humans and animals are both “persons” of equal moral standing. There are lots of good arguments for protecting and preserving animals, but “rights” are not a great starting point.

  • Tonio

    I’ve heard the claim that holding any opinion on abortion requires taking a position on the personhood of the fetus, even an implicit position. The opponents in Mississippi seemed to believe this. I question whether such a position is necessary, particularly if one opposes forcing women to carry pregnancies to term. But that’s not about what decision the woman should make.

  • Tricksterson

    I thought it was “Whackier Than New Hampshire!”

  • Tricksterson

    So now dental care is a tool of the devil too?  I always suspected as much

  • Tricksterson

    Don’t encourage them.

  • Randall M

    Just for the record, you can’t copyright a title.  You also can’t copyright a slogan, a band name, or a sighting of Elvis (I think that the web programmer for the U.S. Copyright Office has a little bit too much time on their hands).  See  You might, however, be able to trademark it.

  • Dental care? Of course. It involves fluoridation, you know.

  • Anonymous

    Ffffffffuuuuuuuhhhhhh. Hokay. Clicked on that Coates article, eyes wandered down to the comments. Spent at least two hours writing a 1000+ word reply to a single comment, a relatively uncommon occurrence of me not giving up and closing the tab halfway through. Was giving it one last proofread, before I remembered that the article was from 2009 and the comment I was replying to was written almost three years ago. 

    I think I’m going to go lie down.

  • Matri

    Drag up a comment from 1412 and you’d think it was written by a right-winger minutes ago.

  • Matri

    By which I mean it would be indistinguishable, with the mindset the right-wing has these days.

  • Sgt. Pepper’s Bleeding Heart

    I like to pronounce Satanazis so that it sounds like neither Satan nor Nazis, but a completely new species of evil being.

  • Consumer Unit 5012

    Drag up a comment from 1412 and you’d think it was written by a right-winger minutes ago.

    It would probably have better grammar and vocablary, but worse spellinge.