‘Use my head alongside my heart’


“If the church is to mean anything going forward it must be on side of liberation.”

She makes Mickey Spillane look like Dostoevsky.”

“If you’re a Christian, you’ve got to ask some serious questions about what’s going on here.”

“Cobb County Evangelical Hospital held its fifth annual Walk to Cure Gayness on Sunday, drawing thousands of participants to raise funds and awareness for the debilitating psychosexual disease.”

“Young-earth creationism is, in fact, just one of a number of movements that people gravitate to precisely because it allows them to feel like they are rejecting the world, allowing them to avoid the painful introspection that is necessary if one really and truly wants to be morally different.”

“But what I know about Alabama’s past makes it hard for me to see that the telos toward which history is inevitably moving is one of justice.”

“Christians have written Alabama Gov. Robert Bentley asking him to stop the immoral practices that plague the state’s criminal justice institutions.”

“The church could begin leaving those problems behind if its leaders explained that their predecessors had confused their own racist views with God’s will.”

“The only thing tending to acquit them of a rather unpleasant prejudice is that their smug condescension isn’t only directed at homosexuals. Evangelicals of that sort want everyone who’s not like them to feel ashamed of their existence.”

FRC cemented its status last month by hiring former Gen. Jerry Boykin as executive vice president. … Boykin, you will recall, achieved notoriety (and a public rebuke from President Bush) for virulent attacks on Islam.”

“Proponents of the new law will pretend they struck a blow against secularism, when all they’ve done is waste time and money in a crusade to roll back the clock on the post-Christian pluralistic reality of our society today.”

Which made it sound like eternal life is basically about getting to live like Liberace Forever.”

It’s a tinder box, all it needs is a match.”

We have a gun problem embedded in a culture problem.”

No one would fault them for wanting vengeance or for defending themselves, but in taking the approaches both have to the violence, both communities have demonstrated a strength and faith that far exceeds that of any security system or jail cell.”

“The world’s fifth most popular religion, is a monotheistic faith that believes in equality and service to others.”

“If someone says ‘seek,’ no one is going to get upset with you. … If you say ‘seek’ that’s OK, but the proper term is ‘sick.’

“So help me God, I should have cut the Buddhist bitch.”

Church Sign Epic Fails, Vol. XXVI

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  • All fear is fear of death.

    No, it’s really not.

    Fear of losing one’s autonomy, fear of pain, fear of poverty, fear for others, fear of doing the wrong thing — none of those are fears of death. I don’t fear earthworms because I fear death, I fear them because of something really gross that someone did to a bunch of them when I was a kid. Or because they’re wriggly and have no eyes and if you cut them in half the two halves can survive and ick.

    Starting with the false idea that all fear is the fear of death, you’re going to end up down a blind alley, wondering why people think your philosophy is shallow and hollow.

  • Madhabmatics

    If you are in North Alabama and are NOT going to the Somos Tuskaloosa “No Papers No Fear” event at the Federal Courthouse tomorrow I don’t even know, you better have an awesome excuse like getting bitten by a chipmunk or something.

    Press conference and coming out of the shadows event
    Monday August 20, 2012, 4:30 PM
    In front of the U.S. Federal Court House (2005 University Boulevard)
    Undocumented immigrants working with Somos
    Tuskaloosa and the No Papers No Fear Ride for Justice, community supporters.
    Banners and signs painted by community
    members, art about immigration, mini bus part of caravan

    edit: By tomorrow I mean today.

  • Nenya

    @Madhabmatics:disqus , I’m on the other side of the continent, but that sounds really lovely. Sending good vibes their way. 

    The article comparing the Sikh and Amish responses to attack was really good, too. 

  • LouisDoench

    I like Mickey Spillane… grumble, grumble…

  • Lori

    The comments on the article about the problem of so-called Christians embracing Ayn Rand are depressing. Unsurprising because they’re the same old, same old, but still depressing. 

  • AnonymousSam

    Damn it, Onion, when one of the only indicators that the article isn’t genuine is the URL…

  • Magic_Cracker

    Funny thing is, Mickey Spillane was Rand’s favorite modern writer. From her Playboy interview:

    …he is primarily a moralist. In a primitive form, the form of a detective novel, he presents the conflict of good and evil, in terms of black and white. He does not present a nasty gray mixture of indistinguishable scoundrels on both sides. He presents an uncompromising conflict. As a writer, he is brilliantly expert at the aspect of literature which I consider most important: plot structure.

    What grabs me is how she calls the detective novel “primitive.” I have no idea what she means by that — how is the detective novel any more or less primitive than, say, tragedy or epic poetry*? — but in other of her contexts, “primitive” is always a negative signifier, while in statement that “plot structure” is the most important aspect of literature, it strikes me as rather simplistic at best.

    *Rand’s statements on art, literature, and music were the thread that unravelled her philosophy for me. I read her novels when I was 18-19, and like most white men who read them at that age, I was inspired by the heroic poses of her characters and their narcissistic brand of reckless individualism, so I started reading her nonfiction. Since I didn’t know much about formal logic, philosophy, or the history of philosophy,  I took her at her word on those subjects at first, but I did know about the arts, so when I came across her blanket denunciations of entire styles and genres — hell, entire ERAS — of art, literature, and music and thought, “Wait a minute, I like surrealist art for reasons X, Y, and Z” and “Hold on, jazz isn’t just primitive noise — why the theory behind bebop is draws from A, B, and C and to put that theory into practice requires some serious chops!”  Basically, I saw how straight-up ignorant she was of those topics even though she felt free to make pronouncement on their worth as if she were an expert, so I started to read her more critically and saw how must of her writer was bluster backed with bluff. Finally, I think it was in Introduction to Objectivist Epistemology, I came across a passage where she declared that there was no such thing as connotation, only denotation, at it was up to philosophers to provide the correct denotations for everyone else to use, and since she made no secret of the fact that she thought she was the greatest philosopher since Aristotle, I finally realized that in everything she wrote, she was only ever arguing for her own personal, weirdly idiosyncratic preferences and that she had absolutely no interested in discovering the truth of any matter but in arguing that her truth was The Truth. In short, she was the worst kind of subjectivist and sophist of the worst kind. /aynrant

  • ohiolibrarian

    I felt SO relieved that it was an Onion article. 

  • Hexep

    The Weinstein article, regardless of its other talents and displays, aptly demonstrates how suspicious the Tibetan traditions are to mainstream Buddhism, like unto snake-handling churches.  Too little Abhidhamma, too much wizardry.  Also, the idea that groups have karma above their members – that Jewish people in time X suffered because Jewish people in time X-Y did bad deeds – is as bizarre as it is offensive, and is (thankfully) an obscure inanity.  

    (That’s not to say that the official explanation is much kinder, but it’s not nearly as stupid.)

  • Isn’t Mickey Spillane the writer of a bunch of dime-store James Bondesque heroes of a bunch of detective novels back in the 40s and 50s? I remember hearing about them through the book Tandia in which Peekay recounts his desire for a particular kind of experience with a woman.


  • vsm

     Apparently, Spillane never stopped writing, and his protagonists would have likely considered James Bond a pansy, but otherwise you’re about right. His most popular character is Mike Hammer, who loves ladies and beating up commies. The 1955 film version of his Kiss Me Deadly is one of the greatest films noir, largely because the lefty screenwriter did not like Mr Hammer much and turned in a rather bizarre script with anti-McCarthyite subtext, Christina Rossetti quotes and nuclear weapons.