Home isn’t a pleasant place this summer. The menacing neighbor has workmen over every day, loudly clanking scaffolding and beautifying her house from nine until five. She insists on being outside during every daylight hour, screaming to the workmen and the neighbors about how evil we are, calling the police on us for the crime of mowing our lawn or going in the backyard. Her new fixation is that she’s angry with me for faithfully reporting to the... Read more
The menacing neighbor‘s house is starting to look very nice. It’s slate blue with white trim now; the workmen finished the front today. I think slate blue with white trim is one of the prettiest combinations for siding. I also like lemonade yellow with white trim, white with deep green trim, schoolhouse red with slate trim. Sometimes I take a handful of those paint sample squares from the hardware store just to admire them and daydream about colors. When... Read more
We are nearing the two-year anniversary of my smackdown with Father Kevin. And it’s just my luck that I have come across another funny Priest Reacting Inappropriately to the Female Shoulder story on social media! Thanks to my friend Juana for posting this story to Twitter and giving me permission to reprint it! –M. P. Today on THE PARISH I just told Fr Boss this absolutely true story from my childhood and he was pretty solidly like “wtf” so... Read more
I wish I had a brave person to show you, but I don’t. There’s no one here but me. I wish I had a happy story to tell you, but I don’t. I only have mine. I have not been very well this spring and early summer. Trauma is a real illness. It’s not all in your head. Being traumatized actually physically injures the nervous system and changes the brain’s chemistry; these injuries are called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder... Read more
She was in her front yard, with a camera on a tripod, trying to photograph the sun. I’d been out running errands all day long; when I got back to LaBelle, I was exhausted. I wanted to go inside and rest and write. But my menacing neighbor who likes to abuse and terrorize us was out there in the front yard staring at the sun through her camera. I have no place to park except parallel to the street in... Read more
There will not be a garden this year. People who mean to be encouraging keep telling me to conquer my terror of the menacing neighbor, to talk back to the police and somehow force them to do as I say as if they are my own private militia, to carry a camera to snap a photo of her whenever she trespasses on the property or starts harassing me, but I can’t do that. I just can’t. I get panic attacks... Read more
I saw a yellow spider, riding on a yellow leaf. I was swimming laps in Raccoon Creek Lake, back and forth by the buoys at the edge of the swimming area. The water is deep green, the lake weeds that tug at your ankles are medium green, and the buoys and ropes are blue. There’s nothing yellow in that part of the lake, which is why the leaf caught my eye even though I’m extremely nearsighted, and my glasses... Read more
Hi folks! This is not a real post, it’s just the periodic boilerplate where I remind you that Steel Magnificat, and my family, live almost entirely on tips. I get a tiny paycheck, sometimes as much as three figures, from Patheos for clicks in the United States, a small royalty check once a year for books, and the whole rest of my living is gratuities from readers who like what they see and want to pay my light bill so... Read more
Today is the Feast of Corpus Christi. I always thought that was a terrible word: “corpus.” When I was little, hearing “Corpus Christi” made me think of skeletons and Halloween. “Do you know what ‘Corpus Christi’ means?” I asked my daughter last night. Rosie shook her head. “Well, what does ‘corpse’ mean? You know that. If I said ‘there’s a corpse in the backyard,’ what would I be talking about?” Rosie smiled with recognition. She watches nature documentaries all day... Read more
I wish I could tell you everything that goes on in Rosie’s dollhouse world. She used to just have a beat up old Barbie Dreamhouse with stacks of legos instead of furniture. Now she has the Barbie dreamhouse, a log cabin, a Calico Critters grocery store, a Calico Critters pizzeria, and a Fisher Price garage which is used as the “rescue center” for her ambulances and fire trucks. The name of the city is UltraVille because most of the action... Read more
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