Snap into shape, Vaginas!

On one hand, the press is telling us that America is in terrible shape: she is economically depressed.

Bad Bush = tight spot.

But wait! On the other hand, this NY Times feature on a woman’s pelvic fitness spa, suggests that tight spots may have absolutely nothing to do with bad old Bush at all!

And if women are paying $150.00 a pop to wrap their vaginal muscles around a doctor’s fingers then perhaps people are not feeling as squeezed as we’ve been led to believe!

…comes the first medi spa in Manhattan wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman’s genital area. Phit — short for pelvic health integrated techniques…
…At the spa, the signature treatment will be a $150 gynecological exam — in which a client contracts her pelvic muscles around Dr. Romanzi’s fingers — to determine by feel whether muscle tone is weak, moderate or strong.

Dr. Romanzi likes to call the vaginal workouts she prescribes “personal training.” Clients could also use an in-office electrostimulation machine to improve pelvic muscle tone or buy a device for home use. Dr. Romanzi said that such treatments are intended to improve bladder control; she said pelvic training may also lead to more intense orgasms.

Of course, if bad old Bush has left you so high, dry and empty that you can’t afford the $150.00 to get “Phit” as a phiddle and ready for love, perhaps a trip to the local hardware store and a ride on the paint-mixer could do the trick.

There are no medical standards for determining what constitutes normal “fitness” or how to evaluate it, said Dr. Abbey B. Berenson, a gynecologist who directs the Center for Interdisciplinary Research in Women’s Health at the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston.
But Dr. Romanzi believes all women might benefit from such exercises. “If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these,” she said. “It’s the dental floss of feminine fitness.”

My voting vagina rejects the analogy to dental floss – it makes her wince into a stern and metal-bending Kegel. She gets a mental image of taking a minty green thread and whoopsing it back and forth between her labia to dislodge errant bits of poppy seed, or something, and votes a loud and resounding “nay” on the entallay lossflay! One hopes the good doctor will find a riper, juicier simile, lickety split!

The spa will also offer cosmetic laser treatments intended to tighten the skin of the vulva in post-menopausal women.

“The outer layer can become almost scrotal, very wrinkly and lax,” Dr. Romanzi said.

Finally, there is some way women and men can be equal!

She treats pelvic skin using a combined laser and radio frequency device that is designed for facial skin and has not been studied for safety and efficacy when used on the vulva, she said. But she said the laser does not penetrate deeply enough to affect internal organs like ovaries.

That’s what I want – I want radio frequencies in my vagina! Just slip a little Guinness in there, and we’ll have a party! And why not get the ovaries dancing, too? Let’s have a shindig! Twist and shout!

My warrior vagina looks with disdain on these primping vacuous and self-obsessed vaginas of vulgar vanity, and she suggests their owners take themselves in hand before they get completely nipped and tucked and runned amok! She is willing to explore the vagaries of vaginal aging because she is secure in herself and valiant in vulvic fortitude; she bucks trends!

My vagina blows deep and incessant raspberries – from the cervix on down – at the clitoral crybabies who will resort to cunning stunts to maintain an illusion of youth. “Dry up! Be happy with yourselves the way you are,” she roars to her sister vaginas. “The way of the wise woman allows pit stops to whet the whistle, and tickle the tuner, but it’s never required an engine overhaul!”

Are there not enough ways the beauty, fashion and medical industries
make women feel inadequate? Must even the labia be labeled a “work in progress…”?

Thank heavens for the NY Times – with their mediating editorial intelligences, we may not know about victories in a strengthened Iraq, but we know where to go for victories in a strengthened vulva, and that’s what really matters, isn’t it?

My Vagina and Me; Politically Incorrect and Lovin’ It!

About Elizabeth Scalia
  • Sigmund Carl and Alfred

    You can be sure that ‘spa treatments’ discussed will be covered by Barack Obama’s proposed health care program.

    Emotional health is something he has proven to be most concerned with- and ‘yours is tighter than mine’ will no doubt cause much liberal angst (not to mention the dark fear that conservative women might be a whole lot sexier).

    If Obama is elected, look for Wilfred Brimley to ditch diabetic supplies in favor of “personal training, electrostimulation machine for home use and cosmetic laser treatments.”

    Who has time to worry about Darfur? Do you have any idea how many victims there are here in the US?

  • AngloCathJoi

    *wipes down computer screen after classic spit-take* Dangit. It’s not nice to make me laugh that hard at work, Anchoress!

    Give me my beautifully aged grandmother or mature mother over these botoxed babes any day. Neither of them has time for such silliness: they make new friends, create gorgeous needlework, read books, and learn new skills.

    Pelvic health spas….Geez, can we get any more shallow? Yikes…

    Makes me a little afraid for my beloved god-daughter, who will grow up in this insanity. Apparently I’m not the only one worried…

  • Old Line State Dad

    Words fail me…….

    It could just be that I’m slap-happy after a tiring day with two toddlers, but as I was reading your very clever post, I kept thinking that it reminded me of a Dr. Seuss tale gone horribly wrong :-) Or perhaps this just illustrates the levels of absurdity that our fourth estate has sunk to.

    Very well written Anchoress.

  • GeoPal


    Your running commentary was spot on.
    I’ve never smiled, not laughed, but smiled so hard in my life. I’ve heard of people “laughing ‘til it hurt”. Well I just hurt myself smiling.

  • Piano Girl

    You are on a roll, dear A…don’t know when I’ve laughed this much in a long time. Thanks for my entertainment this evening!!!

  • Kimsch

    Since when were classic Kegels or, at most, ben wa balls not good enough?

  • Sigmund Carl and Alfred

    America may indeed be undergoing a kind of decline, but I can assure you it has nothing to with George Bush. That has more to do with the mentality and culture that demands ‘pelvic fitness.’ A culture and society that has room for spas like those is more self absorbed than it is concerned about decline.

    I wonder how many people would be as inclined to drop off $150 worth of school supplies to their local public school?

  • Victoria

    My vagina blows deep and incessant raspberries

    You know, that sometimes happens to me after some sauerkraut, but I didn’t like to say.

    The only good thing I predict about the forthcoming canonisation, I mean! administration of President Obama is that socialised health care will pay for all of us to have shiny new labias.


  • ejhill1925

    You have to be a doctor to get this job, right? Damn it!

    A few observations, if you please… Are we to expect that Facebook listings will soon come with a girl’s Romanzi ranking and latenight info commercials will intone, “Do you know your Romanzi rating? Do you realize what a bad Romanzi rating can have on your life? Call 1-888…”

    As to the line, “My vagina blows deep and incessant raspberries…” I can only say this: It’s too bad that vaudeville is dead because THAT would have made a terrific act. Bigger than Fink’s Mules and Sophie Tucker – combined.

    There’s another line about the link between vagina and dental health, but me thinks it best that I just keep that one to myself.

  • Gayle Miller

    I’m glad Piano Girl warned me so I didn’t have any coffee within reach whilst reading this. Fantastic writing as always – but absolutely hilarious as well – with a really good moral at the end!

  • ShanaSFO

    This goes right up there (or should I say, right down there) with paying for anal bleaching. I’m sure Dr Romanazi’s patients are among these people that would pay a lot of money and *risk cancer* because they must get the brightest, whitest -er- exit ramps money can buy.