cats are not pets…


… let me make this perfectly clear; cats are not pets. They are vicious apex predators that crap in the house, shred your furniture, vomit up hairballs on your bedding, and urinate on your bath towels. They kill smaller weaker animals and leave the corpses for you to find as gentle reminders or how vicious and evil they are.

A cat will never save your child when it falls down a well or drag your listless body from a burning building. Hell, they won’t even fetch or come when they are called, but they will sit on your chest while you sleep and slowly crush you.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15262778035877473976 3puddytats

    Awwww..My three puddy tats are spoiled rotten indoor critters..they wouldn't know what a mouse or bird was if it dropped in their lap..They are wonderful about using their litter box IF it is maintained properly..scooped twice daily…my duty as their lowely maidservant.My long-haired Marie will only yak up fur balls if I fail to brush her twice a day…more during shedding season..again maidservant duties..but it is very therapeutic after a long day at work.They also greet me when I come in the front door after work..They also try to assist me in my computer work and classwork..although I wonder if they wonder what I taste like…Sara and her three puddytats Cuolomb, Marie, Jasmine (she is odd-eyed)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15262778035877473976 3puddytats

    P.S. Know how to tell if a man is a potential keeper??When he volunteers to scoop the litter box when you are away on travel,and you come home to find not only did he do it, but he also emptied it and washed and scrubbed it and put fresh litter in…And apparently fed the kitties tuna or something yummy as they are turning up their noses at CAT food…you expect us to eat THIS??SaraYes I'm bored and it's snowing like crazy and I'm expecting the power to go out any moment..

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15600512093922807813 Julie

    Um, I take it that your cat is in the doghouse, so to speak?Another thing: We have tinkered so much with dogs' DNA that they will be pretty much screwed after the apocalypse. Cats will be just fine, thank you very much, and they won't miss us a bit.And yeah, my daughter's cat just peed on the bathmat again…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14807873592896092136 Anthony S. Layne

    Further evidence: When you start remonstrating them for something—say, deliberately knocking the vase off the mantelpiece—they suddenly become the cutest, most loveable creatures ever created, sapping your righteous anger.Evil distilled.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09819523933502820341 Terry Nelson

    Cats know when you say bad things about them, They are very patient animals. They wait, and then when you are asleep they sneak up and lay on your chest and gradually suck the air out of your lungs.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16092531121989260111 Anastasia Theodoridis

    What you are suffering from is an obvious case of catophobia.If a Cat pees or poops on your bathmats or towels, it's your fault because you've made us Cats feel so insecure by failing to recognize our way as a perfectly normal, alternative lifestye. For example, you call us vicious and evil when we do you the favor of ridding your house of rodent pests.You need to learn to be more tolerant, more loving, more inclusive. And if our personal, feline choices annoy you, get over it!!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16092531121989260111 Anastasia Theodoridis

    P.S.) If you don't support Cats Rights how come you have our name in your blog title? This cat, for one, is offended.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04319784922747041297 s-p

    I think it was actually a cat that tempted Eve. It would have worked on my wife.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07327013707393086096 Christopher Lake

    Firmly a dog person here. I don't utterly despise cats, but the few of them that I have ever really liked *acted* more like dogs.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07364277284129639303 Cruise the Groove.

    You must have had a bad cat. I am sorryOur cat is one of the kindest creations of Almighty God, and beautiful too.My wife and I are so happy with Jack.She has made our home a lot sweeter.She also might make it to heaven as she is a "cat-echumen" and hopefully mught be a "Cat-lic" soon.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06725527285837338560 Janny

    Actually, cats HAVE saved people's lives. Just sayin'. You merely are having trouble with your purrrticular cat because you've failed to acknowledge, once and for all, that cats are superior intellectually to…well, everybody. This is clearly a problem for which you are being disciplined. When you do your proper homage, your bath towels will be safe. Your house is already safe from predators (those little critters your cat proudly brings you as tribute), ya bloody ingrate. What more do you need?:-)JBP.S. Word verification = "mishe," which would be a great name for a cat.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15600512093922807813 Julie

    As it is snowing again and I'm in a vile mood, here's another bone I have to pick with our numerous barn cats: after every execution,(and the victims are about 5 songbirds to every mouse) the cats carry it to our front porch and devour only a few choice portions, leaving a nasty mess of feathers and apparently unsavory bits for me to clean up It's darn hard to get bloodstains out of concrete. Hence, it is always Passover at my house.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07364277284129639303 Cruise the Groove.

    Cats are so wonderful!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04789215648489766359 Karina

    My ornery little furball, currently purring in my lap, has some definite problems, most of which I think stem from the fact that he is going through adolescence. He plays with everything that moves, gets on the table, knocks stuff off the counter and is always right under my feet when I try to back up But he can be sweet, too. Though I don't let him in my bedroom at night, not because of breath-sucking but because he won't calm down and let me sleep.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01715690632758132549 Denita

    Are you joking? Seriously. Boa constrictors are not pets, yet people keep them. I'm sorry, but I think you're being too harsh, and I don't think it's funny. It's mean. Just had to say so. :(

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05699746979019393620 The Little Way

    Don't forget – a cat is also the animal that lets your son play priest by allowing itself to be baptized. Remember what you said the cat was going to do to you in return? I also remember this is the same cat that peed on the towel you used to dry your hair, which you did not discover until you got to work. I'm sorry, but that was one of the funniest things I read here or elsewhere. Just think of all the material that cat provides for posts.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07364277284129639303 Cruise the Groove.

    Our cat went to Mass once.We had a visiting priest stay at our home and Fr. offered Mass in our living room.Jack wandered in and sat on the prie-dieu kneeler for about 5 minutes during the Offertory.After all she is a "cat-echumen"

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02816092014423881376 Piotrek

    I always believed that God gave us dogs to show us how He wants us to be in our relationship to Him, and cats to show how not to be. The former are generally dependable, loyal, dependent and happy to see you. Most importantly, they come when they hear you call. The latter, well, it's all about what you can give them, but beyond that you're not of much use.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01715690632758132549 Denita

    I'm sorry, but I may not view this blog much for awhile; my way of protesting. This, and the above comment by Piotrek is the meanist posted here.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06117353945124506952 The Crescat

    of for pete's sake. I own a cat that I actually am fond of… though he has proven himself useless time and time again.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07364277284129639303 Cruise the Groove.

    "though he has proven himself useless time and time again."Crescat,Then why do you own him and are fond of him?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15156188133580902769 Andrew Preslar

    Revelation 22:15

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09649237173680633611 Charles Culbreth

    Well, Kat…After we empty nested in 97, we started going all "Crazy Cat Lady" and eventually got up to 15.Fourteen years later, and I'm a life-long feline adorer, I've offered to, MYSELF, give all eight of the remaining brood save one, free full immersion baptism in the pool every summer, or the spa every winter. She-who-is-to-be-obeyed has consistently declined, though the lot of them make her life misterable half the time.About the ONE. He's "Plunkett," after the Oakland Raider's fine historical quarterback. Like all the boys and girls, Plunk was spayed immediately. 'Bout a year ago, I noticed when Plunk ascended to my lap, he'd haunch his rear quarters and start to, ahem, bump and grind knead on my left leg. Wife thought it was neurological. I knew better, this was Plunk's vestigial, bio-memory way of singing "I'm a MAN, YES I AM, AND I JUST WANNA LET YOU KNOW!"Just for the sheer hubris, this boy's getting the Disney Freeze Dry and tucked in Pharoah's arms in the sarcophogus!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15262778035877473976 3puddytats

    I was talking to one o f my coworkers in the breakroom this morning as we wer getting coffee about the stray cat I occasionally feed..he is VERY friendly…"He is a gorgeous red-head, beaufiful sea-green eyes, the cutest freckles on his nose, long lush whiskers, and the only place he has white is on his belly.."My red-headed green-eyed coworker must have overheard as he very calmly lifted up his dress shirt to display his VERY white belly…Life is never boring in a government facility..Sara

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14807873592896092136 Anthony S. Layne

    @ 3puddytats: Thank God I wasn't drinking coffee when I read that last one!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06334203937303147489 ThereseRita

    When I first saw this post, I thought "Goodness, she's a much braver woman than I am." The avid cat-owners I know take negative comments about their children or parents better than negative comments about cats!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17489606909822078682 Joseph M

    I wish a college or high school sports team would take the name 'Vicious Apex Predators'. I'd root for them.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01604292833113108994 Buster Kitty

    Hmmm…where to begin?First of all, cats are not pets. This is true. The humans are the pets. Thank you for clearing this up.Second, if your cat is crapping in the house, but outside of his litter box, it may be that your son is not cleaning the box often enough and kitty is tired of stepping between the lumps when it's time to conduct business.Third, the furniture belongs to kitty, not you!!! The proof is in the territorial "markings" that you obviously cannot see, but kitty can smell.Fourth, years ago I tried to articulate to my pet human that Timmy had fallen in the well, but my human didn't understand me. Timmy died, but not my fault!But when there was smoke in the apartment I jumped up and down on his chest to wake my human, therefore saving his life. Also, when I found a bat sitting on the vent grill in the ceiling, I woke my human then as well. We chased the bat together and killed him. It was a shared moment I'll always remember.Fifth, if your cat sits on your chest while you sleep, he/she may miss being nursed as a kitten. Perhaps extra calcium should be included in the cat's diet.And sixth, all I can say about the bath towel is this: Maybe kitty disagrees with your choice of perfume…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06375449214052411277 JoannaB

    One of my cats had developed the bad habits of using the bathroom as a toilet should anyone leave the door open. This means unpleasant surprises for any visitors going to use the shower and wet feet from round the toilet basin if you stumble in to the toilet first thing in the morning. There is a reason cats should be left out at night!

  • James

    And your a dickless ignorant.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

      Of course I am dickless. I am a female. Who’s the ignorant one now? You lack class and intelligence. Poof! Be Gone!

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat Katrina Fernandez

    Hey dip shit troll replying to a year old post , it’s called satire. Unceremoniously banned. *Poof*


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