the unspeakable horror…

… if you have kids then you can relate to what I am about to share with you. And if you are a mom then you know exactly of what I speak. Mom Competition. Or Mompetition. Those militant scary moms that hand squeeze their own fruit juices to bring to meetings and sports events when it’s their turn to supplies the snacks. The Whole Foods Moms who have these freakishly allergic hypersensitive kids.

I got tired of trying to cater to every child’s specific needs and the demands of their mothers and decided to have a little fun with it. So now I just bring junk like candy corn and Hi-C.

Ooooo. I will feed your kids high fructose corn syrup and red dye #5 when you aren’t looking.

Speaking of freakishly allergic kids; why is it so many kids are dangerously sensitive to everything? Growing up I knew of only one kid who had an allergy, and it was to penicillin. One day after school myself and some friends talked him into eating moldy bread for a week’s worth of lunch money… you know, to see if it really would kill him.

He’s totally fine and survived his childhood unscathed, though he keeps ignoring my Facebook friend requests.

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  • LOVE THAT! Totally makes me laugh. I joined the PTA only because my daughter has autism. There are only seven children in her classroom and only one other mom who can volunteer in class (lots of single moms, not by choice, unfortunately). I joined because I want to make sure that when things go down with various things being allocated (like funds, supplies, etc) her class is not left out in anyway. But I LOATHE Mompetition which is why, aside from the other mom on the PTA from my daughter’s class, I don’t associate with the other parents outside of meetings.

    • Sherrytex

      I was the corrupting mom in the townhouse complex, who introduced the neighborhood children to toaster waffles, poptarts, McDonald’s happy meals and oreos. Not all at once mind you, but the kids loved to come over to play, especially the poor soul of a four year old girl who was forced to eat salmon for breakfast if she didn’t eat it at dinner.

  • Anonymous

    I like your attitude…. candy corn and HiC… I should try that 🙂

  • Dr. Eric

    I honestly think that there are real allergens out there, but that they are waaaaay over blown by people who have their medical degrees from Dr. Oz and the internet.

    • Dr. Eric


      That was incoherent. That’s what I get for posting while my 10 year-old practices his trumpet.

      I meant that there are real allergens and some people are deathly allergic to certain foods. But, many moms have watched a few episodes of the Dr. Oz show and have read a few “alt med” websites and have diagnosed their kids as having a gluten, or nut allergy.

      • But why now? For crying out loud, it’s like every damn kid is allergic to everything damn thing now-a-days. Think about it… how many kids did you know with these “deathly” allergic reactions growing up… separate peanut table, etc. How did a whole generation of kids get hyper sensitive in less then 20+ years?

        I don’t think they did…

        • Guest

          There are skin tests, blood tests and biopsies and other ways that prove whether there’s a food intolerance or not. A simple blood test for gluten antibodies in my blood is how my doctor diagnosed me with gluten intolerance. Why is this happening to so many people now is a good question. No clear answer there but I blame modern food production.

        • Dr. Eric

          One side of the argument is that the testing is much better now that it was when we were kids- I think you graduated HS in ’93. I graduated in ’94- so for all intents and purposes we are the same age.

          The other is that, as a few have pointed out, our food is much more contaminated that it was even back in the 80s when we were kids.

          But polluted and processed foods do not equal celiac disease nor a peanut allergen.

          • Dr. Eric

            Also, I’ve read a few articles about certain allergy specialists actually introducing extremely small particles of the offending substance into the patient’s “diet” and slowly desensitizing him to the allergen. I find that fascinating.

            Perhaps back in the day everything was mixed a little less sterile and we had peanuts in everything so we developed a healthy immune system relationship to the peanut that kids today don’t have. Kinda like the new fad of letting your kids get dirty so they have stronger immune systems later.

      • Gradchica

        Considering I just brought my son back from his latest allergist appt where he tested as still allergic to eggs, milk, and sesame seed, I need to second the “allergies are real” note. I must also add an addendum–sometimes parents’ directives that their children avoid certain foods to which they are not actually allergic has merit–my son’s allergist told us he should not eat shellfish, nuts, and seeds until he’s at least 3 because his current allergies put him at risk for developing further allergies or becoming cross-sensitive to other allergens.

        That being said, insisting your precious baby cannot be exposed to non-organic 100% whole foods is ridiculous. If that’s your lifestyle, provide your own food–I don’t anticipate other people to cater to my son’s allergies, so I always pack his own food/snacks/drinks when we’re at a social function. My only request is that people don’t feed him things he’s allergic to–or, depending on the reliability of the food packaging/people’s knowledge of homemade food’s preparation, that they only feed him the food I provide. Yes, you’re the grinch for not giving him the tasty looking cookies that were most likely made with milk and egg, but I–and you–would rather they not have to use the epi-pen on a 2 year old.

  • Christie Martin

    I’ve got two kids out of five allergic to stuff and if they don’t have a snack I’m the only mom who needs to feel guilty. It’s my job to provide the specialized goods, not every other mom we come into contact with. Bring on the candy corn! It’s a wheat free alternative!

  • Ave Maria

    Consider yourself lucky that you don’t have a kid that’s allergic or has any sensitivities to anything. It’s not much fun for those of us that do. My son has sensory issues and isn’t talking and may be in the autism “spectrum” and has other delays so we cut certain foods out and it seems to have made a difference. But it’s a real pain in the arse so I don’t know why anyone would do it for any other reason than there’s something really wrong with their kid. Not really all that familiar with Dr. OZ.
    At any rate, I bring something separate for my son when we go out.

  • I could add the alpha moms who are competitive in everything else their kids do/are.

    I tried to ‘juice’ and this past weekend returned the JLL juicer. The salesman confessed that he used his just once also. 2lbs of carrots for one glass of juice? Not in my budget.

    And no, you don’t have to cater to anyone else kids ‘needs’ except maybe those really unfortunate people with that peanut allergy. I really do pity them. No reese pb cups. Dear God! I don’t know if life would be worth living at Halloween without them.

    I have a terrible allergy to mullusks. And, the onus is on ME to avoid and to ask. Last Christmas I avoided the Turkey and the stuffing because I suspected my MIL was going to ‘test’ me with a similar bet. I didn’t even want to find out if she ‘accidentally’ made oyster stuffing. So I stuck with the prime rib, potatoes and the Scotch. (Just kidding about the Scotch, but I might have had some if any were handy. Note to self…)

  • Christine Lord

    Everything you ever wanted to know about peanut allergy:

    Very interesting, actually. Peanuts are legumes! Who knew?

  • Anonymous

    I’m 60 and when I was a kid I didn’t know ANYONE who was allergic to foods. Not one. In the past couple of years, I’ve run into people who infom me in a smug tone that “We are gluten free”

    That’s nice. It just leaves more tasty bread for me. (Yes, I know about allergies and celiac disease, but I can’t help but think that some of it is overblown – my boss was sure she was lactose intolerant, so she got tested and she wasn’t. She was diabetic.

    • Guest

      Maybe they were speaking not in a smug tone but in a defensive one due to coming across so many people who have some smartass comment about their diet.

      • Anonymous

        Nope. They were smug. I’ve been working at a university for 30+ years now, and I know smug.

  • Big, Bad, Blonde Bahu

    It is waaay overblown. Especially the gluten thing. There are people out there who actually have celiac disease, yes, but every few days somebody will post something to Facebook about how wheat is poisonous. I used to work as a baker, and we were very careful about the gluten-free bread for people with allergies, but when a non-allergic person came in wanting some spelt/rice bread, my boss said, “go ahead and knead it with wheat–she’ll never know.”

  • Kharrison80

    A friend of mine made snickers apple salad for us last week. Awesome is what that was: