all consuming jealousy…

… Have you ever woken up in a bad mood for absolutely no reason and then decided to nurse that anger all day long… you know, just cause. Today started with soaring temperatures, hair curling humidity, and being stuck in morning traffic listening to Zoe “I have the most annoying voice in radio” Chace. From there it got progressively worse.

Someone ate the last candy bar from the snack machine. A co-worker bragged about their fancy European vacation while another showed off photos from their cruise. And everyone in the damn world is getting married this month. No seriously. Every damn body. Except me of course. And I hate June. I hate everything about this God forsaken month. I’m not a fan of July either. I just get older in that month; one year closer to death. August is when Hell opens up and and engulfs North Carolina in sweltering flames.

My car just surpassed the 200K mark and the engine protests loudly every time I start her up. Oh, and did I mention everyone in the world is getting married this month. OK, maybe not everyone is getting married this month. Some people are getting married in the fall, like a guy I use to date and his perky 24 year old girlfriend. Did I mention he’s 45? I bet their bridal party will look like this…

What? Too judgmental of me? Oh, well. We all have our flaws and mine is being occasionally unbearably cranky. Fine, “occasionally” is being conservative. I’ve been unbelievable cranky these past few weeks and I don’t know why. I just can’t stop being jealous… jealous that someone’s blog is more popular than mine, drives a nicer car, has a loving spouse, looks good in skinny jeans, is in their twenties with their whole life ahead of them while I’m pushing forty and have graying hair. I’m jealous of wedding announcements and new babies.

Worse, I am letting these jealous feelings cripple me. I feel so ugly. Not ugly physically, inwardly. The ugliness is impeding my writing as well. All I want to do is blog one nasty thing after another. Critical, demeaning things; hateful and mocking.

I get this way from time to time. I get angry at the extra burdens placed on me due to my situation. I think it started on Father’s Day when my son was crying during the homily because his father has never so much as called him on his birthday. He’s never gotten a card or present for Christmas from him either. When I see the hurt in my son’s eyes it’s all I can do to not damn all men. Then I have to remind myself there are decent men out there getting married all the time, just not to me. And I get angry all over again.

I get angry that other families can send their kids to Catholic school, other non-Catholic families, while many practicing Catholic families can’t even afford the $100 application fee – like me. I get angry at those people who only pray to God when they want something or it’s convenient for them and their prayers get answered right away while I pray and beg God every night for years on end with no result.

His silence enrages me at times. These are dark feelings to have but I think they are just part of our human weakness. At least I hope so anyway. Usually when these thoughts creep into my mind they are fleeting and can easily be pushed away. Other times the thoughts take up an extended residency. They’ve certainly outstayed their welcome this month.

Weird though… I’m not quite finished being mad yet.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • michelangelo3

    This is normal. So is my situation. I’ve been in a funk with God for 20 years. You only know part of the story; if I told you the whole story, you’d wonder why I haven’t blown my brains out yet. God’s reaction: “I really do love you, you know. Pray and obey. And when you can, pay.” I defer to infinite wisdom.

    • Victor Barbercaine

      Crescat,  I will  only reply to your unhappiness about about your ex boyfriend. After a couple of bad marriages, I came to this conclusion in about 1997. “I” matter. Just Me as a human being and if I NEVER got married again SO WHAT?  We all have value just as we are and having a partner may or may or make us better. Simply because  one is single for whatever reason DOES NOT DEVALUE US. WE STIL HAVE WORTH. Once, you understand and are comfortable with, then everything follows. 4 years later, I met “THE ONE” and when we became close enough to discuss marriage, I told every BAD thing that my exes had said about me and that I was NOT likley to change any of them. THIS, I said, IS ME. If you can deal with all that I’ve told you, then yes we should marry. If NOT, then let’s part as friends and go our separate ways. She stayed, we married 2 yeears later and have done well as a couple ever since.  I told and I’m telling YOU, sometimes, it’s better to die on your feet, than live and your knees. By that I mean, it’s better to live alone, than in a bad relationship just to avoid living alone.

  • Jeanne Chabot

    Aww ((hugs))

  • Woodeene

    Today I’ve been plagued by envy and jealous and between you and Joanna McPortland, you’ve just  about covered all the things I’m in a snite about…except for the weather.  It’s so cold here in Oregon I’ve had to turn the heat back on. So add summer envy to my list.

  • Joanne K McPortland

    I am so with you. I talked about envy today because I can handle it better than the rage of feeling cheated by the universe that I so know is not true but rage anyway. I have a couple of ways of venting that kind of existential anger: shouting the Psalms out really loud (man, those people knew what it was like to be royally P.O.ed at God) or wandering around in a WalMart cussing and giving people madwoman looks and hoping I am passing as a Tourette’s sufferer. Stay mad as long as you need to; it comes out of love. And it will never be fully satisfied by anyone or anything in this WalMart world.

  • Daftpunkett

    I will pray for you. I think its been a tough year for a lot of people. I’ve been harboring anger lately too, I thought it was just the fact that I was pregnant and needed to get over myself.
    I have been thinking about your son’s educational predicament. I’m sure you have already received advice, but I wanted to throw in my suggestion. I was home schooled from 3rd grade through high school. The first thing my mom did was contact the local homeschool group which was over 100 families. Some of those families were single parent families, crazy huh? I was thinking how they did it and I remember that usually the single parent families would co-op time that their kids were together or send their kids to regular school, co-op time after school and heavily supplement to suit the children’s educational needs.   Sure this method takes time away from play and extra curricular activities, but it did achieve the academic results that the parents were looking for without spending as much money.
    I would at least contact your local homeschool group, make connections with parents who are like-minded about education. They may have some connections or suggestions for you. I remember so many of those parents were a wealth of information and sometimes information is more valuable than a tuition payment!

    again, I’m sorry you’re having a hard time, you’re not alone. I will be praying for you.

  • tcn

    No advice, because that really doesn’t help with the feelings, after all. But know that most folks, if honest, will fess up to having the same issues. Some last longer than others. Some last a whole lifetime.

    Your son is lucky in ways he doesn’t even know yet. He knows now that some men suck, and he knows how not to be when he grows up, and he knows his mom is the bomb.

    In my experience, Catholic schools are not supposed to be able to deny access due to financial hardship. You might take this subject up with your priest. Occasionally parishioners can be convinced to offer scholarships or sponsorships. If they give you a hard time, you have all that lovely anger to unleash upon them, after all…. ;)

    • Elisabeth

      Definitely pursue this – I went after Catholic school when I KNEW I couldn’t afford it, and miracle after miracle made it happen.  There is financial aid, there are scholarships they don’t tell anyone about, and there is work study (because our kids aren’t too good to reshelve library books!). Talk to the principal – you never know when a space will suddenly become available. Shoot – send me the application and I’ll fill it in for you!

  • drea916

    I’m glad I’m not the only one who burns with envy when I find out others are getting married. You know that movie Good Luck Chuck? I’ve never seen it, but from the trailer I know that’s it’s about a man who, after a woman sleeps with him, the next man she dates she ends up marrying. Well, I’m the good Catholic girl version of that. Every man I date goes on to marry his next girlfriend. That burns. Then it burns when they end up pregnant….and I’m 33 and ticking.
    Hang in there, Girlie. And…I think it’s ok to be mad once in a while. There is injustice in the world and it’s ok to be a little pissed about it.  It’s good to acknowledge it. You don’t have to push it under the rug. But then….think of heaven. When we get there, all of this will be a dream.

  • Gretchen

    When envy rears its ugly head (as it did earlier today) or when I’m feeling anxious, I open my Bible and take comfort in these words:

    Luke 12

    22 And he said to his disciples, “Therefore I
    tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat, nor about your
    body, what you shall put on.

    23 For life is more than food, and the body more than clothing.

    24 Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse
    nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value are you than the
    birds!

    25 And which of you by being anxious can add a cubit to his span of life?

    26 If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious
    about the rest?

    27 Consider the lilies, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin; yet I tell
    you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

    28 But if God so clothes the grass which is alive in the field today and
    tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O men of
    little faith!

    29 And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be of
    anxious mind.

    30 For all the nations of the world seek these things; and your Father knows
    that you need them.

    31 Instead, seek his kingdom, and these things shall be yours as well.

    32 “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give
    you the kingdom.

    Think about how much you love your son and what a great mom you are to him. Now think about how much bigger God is than we are, and how much greater is his capacity and desire (because he’s _GOD_) to love you, his most precious daughter…

  • Lisa Calderon

    Wow, I thought that I was crazy or something was wrong with me that I just get past the anger, the envy, and every feeling you just described as though I had written them! This month wasn’t so much in the way of weddings, nope, this year was everyone being pregnant or just having had a baby.
    So this truly helped me realize I wasn’t crazy… It’s either that or there is another certifiable case just like me on the opposite end of this country…
    I will pray for peace to come swiftly for you the next time the unsettling green monster strikes at your soul (we know it’s not a green monster but rather the dark one himself).
    And if anything else, heck, we should one day meet and take it all out on something very large and very chocolatey all while gazing at a group of Swiss guards.

    God Love You!
    Lisa

  • Rosemary

    This helps me when God is being rather quiet… I don’t know if it will help you.. I hope it does.

    “My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do
    not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor
    do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will
    does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to
    please you does in fact please you and I hope that I have that desire in all
    that I am doing. And I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right
    road although I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always
    though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for
    you are ever with me and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.” ~
    Thomas Merton

  • Iris Celeste

    We’ll dear, if it makes you feel better, I’m jealous of the lovely son you have, (well, not really jealous, just wish I had children…)  I’m jealous that you are not stuck in an unhappy marriage… (I won’t go into further detail…)  I’m jealous that you have a blog and can ventilate… (yes I could get a blog; but why give my stalker more accesses…)

    Love you dear, but you really need to count your blessings.  I know I also have countless blessings!

    Iris Celeste

  • Rfrendz

         Well first off,  you’re alive and have parents who love you and a son who looks up to you. You have a God who hears your prayers and answers them in His perfect time. Be patient and make sure that your prayers are in line with His will. You do have a car and it came to you conveniently as will another when this one has given up the spark.
        Do something about the things that bother you that you can do something about, and give the rest to God.
        I think you do a good job of staying cool, even when the subject matter may bother you. You seem top be able to voice an opinion easily and you do have an audience that enjoys listening to you. Being critical is easy. It’s like writing a rap song with dirty lyrics. Your skills are far better than that and your readers deserve your best. When you feeling angry, remember anger isn’t from God. Redirect your focus on the good in God and your writing will reflect a positive, helpful, and inspiring nature that will help lift your spirit as well. Love, Dad

  • James H

    Ouch…

    Prayers for you, Katrina. This too will pass. ‘I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, they are for peace and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope.’ [paraphrasing, only].

  • Barbara Fryman

    Oh I feel you. Our sweet girl was born with Down syndrome, and we were completely happy to have her. Since then I’ve gotten really pissed about how other people think she’s this terrible burden worthy of nothing more than abortion. Here is my blog link: http://www.321force.blogspot.com
    The title is “Grief”

  • Jana_alanda

    I’ve felt that way and it’s usually a sign that I need a vacation away from people. Maybe go camping somewhere with comfortable temps or a nice silent retreat. You sound like your batteries are low and you need a recharge.

    Try not to beat yourself up too much for feeling cranky. We all get that way from time to time.

  • Elizabeth

    Girl, i hear you.  I must say, though, that even having a spouse doesn’t always have the intended effect we might seek.  I’m happily married and we’ve been struggling for the past three years financially.  All of our friends are having babies left and right and going on vacations and living in homes that are far more sparkly than ours.  We’re both highly educated, highly driven people who have worked for every single opportunity we’ve gotten.  But, we’re struggling.  Struggling to pay the bills, struggling to have children, struggling  just getting through the day sometimes.  I find solace in the sacred liturgies (i mean the really good ones that are lovely and chanty and reverent) and even that has been taken away from me as of late because our diocesan leadership thinks Latin and good music are antiquated and useless.  

    I have a right to be angry.  You have a right to be angry.  Anger is a part of the human condition, and we as humans ultimately have to figure out how that anger manifests itself.  Mine used to manifest itself through Dairy Queen and poorly written television on ABC Family.  But then my bathroom scale scowled at me, and the cable bill came due.  After cutting out both extraneous fast food and cable altogether, we started learning how to chant.  I listen to it in the car, the house, sometimes even at work when the girl in the office across the hall starts blathering on about how her precious daughter keeps picking her nose or how her new pool deck will be finished in a couple of weeks.  It doesn’t take the pain or the worry away, but it does provide a damn good distraction.  And it helps to maintain my focus on what’s important to me:  finding God’s will in this suffering.  What can i learn from the husband, from the coworkers, from the precious nose picker that can bring me closer to God?  It really helps.  I’ll pray for you and your son along with my family. You are not alone in this, dear.  Always remember that.

  • lethargic

    Oh, Kat … I am so with you … my issues are all entirely different, but you express those feelings so very well I feel like your slightly older more worn twin … wish I were there to commiserate with you and a round of the rosary and an adult beverage or two … prayers for you and the boy and everything … and btw, I like you a whole lot better than the youngsters who are getting the momentary trendy fad attention that risks blowing up in their faces … hugs at your level of comfort … :-)

  • Claire

    I’m lucky enough not to be feeling this way now, but I can relate to all of this.   I’ll pray for peace for you.  That photo is hilarious, too.  Not only will their bridal party look like this, but they probably won’t even know why that’s funny.

  • http://profiles.google.com/christinehebert65 Christine Hebert

    God has created me to do Him some definite service;
    He has committed some work to me
    which He has not committed to another.
    I have my mission–I may not know it inthis life,
    But I shall be told it in the next.

    I am a link in a chain,
    a bond of connection between persons.
    He has not created me for naught. 
    I shall do good,
    I shall do His work.
    I shall be an angel of peace,
    a preacher of truth in my own place while not intending it–
    if I do but keep His Commandments.

    Therefore I will trust Him.
    Whatever, wherever I am,
    I can never be thrown away.
    If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him;
    in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him;
    if I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him.
    He does nothing in vain.
    He knows what He is about.
    He may take away my friends,
    He may throw me among strangers.
    He may make me feel desolate,
    make my spirits sink,
    hide my future from me–
    still He knows what He is about.
    John Henry Cardinal Newman

    I read your post earlier and had no words.  I came across Cardinal Newman’s words in the course of my day and they felt like something that might bring you some comfort.
    You are not alone.  Praying for you!

  • Kay

    I hope things get better soon.  I think you are loved by far more of us than you know.  Meanwhile, your post reminded me of this book which you might have already read but in case you haven’t, here’s a pretty nice telling of it on YouTube.  SOOOOOOOOOOOOO many times I smile remembering its on target humor and how we can ALL relate to those very bad days.  

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfkf-bA9kPA

    God bless you Kat!
    Kay

  • Tina In Ashburn

    I so identify with you Kat. I’m angry and resentful all the time. Burdened by a past myself, I wish I could write the blog post like your brave one a month ago – speaking of jealousy, that post of yours made me jealous. Why can’t I write like that? Why can’t I find the discipline to write regularly and humorously as you do?

    Be glad you are not stuck in a miserable marriage to someone with whom you discover is not your intellectual match, with whom you have zero common interests, and whom you find after the first 6 months isn’t at all interested in your happiness. jes’ sayin’

    I really shouldn’t give advice since my mindset and experience seems to be so close to yours in this area but anyway, here’s a couple of thoughts that I struggle with:

    1. other people are never as happy as we think they are – for some reason, the human condition is to imagine that everyone else is having a good time, while nobody recognizes our stoic misery.

    2. the old advice for our misery is to go and do something for somebody else. All of a sudden, our problems appear as nothing when visiting wounded soldiers, taking food to the homeless, or just calling someone out of the blue and asking em to talk about themselves. Basically its a matter of perspective – looking at ourselves with the wrong end of the telescope makes our problems loom hugely.

    I think we all are besieged by despair. What irony that battling it takes so much work [good music, reaching out to others, avoiding depressing news, finding humor, physical labor, etc] when all we want to do is curl up and indulge in the hot emotion sweeping over us.


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