all consuming jealousy…

… Have you ever woken up in a bad mood for absolutely no reason and then decided to nurse that anger all day long… you know, just cause. Today started with soaring temperatures, hair curling humidity, and being stuck in morning traffic listening to Zoe “I have the most annoying voice in radio” Chace. From there it got progressively worse.

Someone ate the last candy bar from the snack machine. A co-worker bragged about their fancy European vacation while another showed off photos from their cruise. And everyone in the damn world is getting married this month. No seriously. Every damn body. Except me of course. And I hate June. I hate everything about this God forsaken month. I’m not a fan of July either. I just get older in that month; one year closer to death. August is when Hell opens up and and engulfs North Carolina in sweltering flames.

My car just surpassed the 200K mark and the engine protests loudly every time I start her up. Oh, and did I mention everyone in the world is getting married this month. OK, maybe not everyone is getting married this month. Some people are getting married in the fall, like a guy I use to date and his perky 24 year old girlfriend. Did I mention he’s 45? I bet their bridal party will look like this…

What? Too judgmental of me? Oh, well. We all have our flaws and mine is being occasionally unbearably cranky. Fine, “occasionally” is being conservative. I’ve been unbelievable cranky these past few weeks and I don’t know why. I just can’t stop being jealous… jealous that someone’s blog is more popular than mine, drives a nicer car, has a loving spouse, looks good in skinny jeans, is in their twenties with their whole life ahead of them while I’m pushing forty and have graying hair. I’m jealous of wedding announcements and new babies.

Worse, I am letting these jealous feelings cripple me. I feel so ugly. Not ugly physically, inwardly. The ugliness is impeding my writing as well. All I want to do is blog one nasty thing after another. Critical, demeaning things; hateful and mocking.

I get this way from time to time. I get angry at the extra burdens placed on me due to my situation. I think it started on Father’s Day when my son was crying during the homily because his father has never so much as called him on his birthday. He’s never gotten a card or present for Christmas from him either. When I see the hurt in my son’s eyes it’s all I can do to not damn all men. Then I have to remind myself there are decent men out there getting married all the time, just not to me. And I get angry all over again.

I get angry that other families can send their kids to Catholic school, other non-Catholic families, while many practicing Catholic families can’t even afford the $100 application fee – like me. I get angry at those people who only pray to God when they want something or it’s convenient for them and their prayers get answered right away while I pray and beg God every night for years on end with no result.

His silence enrages me at times. These are dark feelings to have but I think they are just part of our human weakness. At least I hope so anyway. Usually when these thoughts creep into my mind they are fleeting and can easily be pushed away. Other times the thoughts take up an extended residency. They’ve certainly outstayed their welcome this month.

Weird though… I’m not quite finished being mad yet.

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