I am a horrible, horrible parent…

… In case you weren’t aware, I loathe television. I especially loathe the T.M.I. commercials for things like erectile dysfunction medication and feminine hygiene products. It’s because of the latter I may have inadvertently told my son women lay eggs. I just got so flustered. What do you say when your nine year old son asks what tampons are?

I tried to handle his question with maturity, but yeah. Who are we kidding here?

The Boy: Mom, what are tampons for?

The Mom: Well… they are for women… for when, you know… we bleed. Like a band-aid for our … um. No. that’s not it. Wait. What?

The Boy: Huh? Why can’t you use regular band-aids?

The Mom: There for a different kind of thing. You see …[taking deep breath and trying to sound all clinical & nurse-y like]… for a woman to have a baby she needs to have her egg fertilized and when it’s not she bleeds every month.

The Boy: [Absolutely freaked out and bugged eyed] WHAT?!? You have eggs?!?! You mean like chickens?! And they’re …. *gasp* bloody eggs?!? Geesh, mom! Girls are nasty! Are you even human!?

The Mom: Mother of God, what have I done?! I mean, that’s not what I mean at all. Wait. Come back!

The Boy: [runs screaming from the room]

Either I’m the worst parent ever or the most diabolical. It was like some horrible out of body experience where I heard the words coming out of my mouth and immediately thought “Oh no!” but was helpless to stop talking. Now neither of us can un-hear them and we are both thoroughly traumatized.

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • GretchenA

    I will sympathize with your anguish, right after I catch my breath from laughing so hard.

  • http://twitter.com/AmLyInMi Elisabeth

    Throw. the. TV. OUT! You can still watch Firefly on Netflix, so it will be okay…

  • Karen

    LOL! Don’t you know that your response to questions like that should go like this: “What?, Oh, did you see that bird fly into the window just now?” Distract, distract, distract! My husband keeps telling me I have to stop ducking questions like that since we have three girls. God help me!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003366527204 Steve Robinson

    ROTFL!! You practice on the firstborn….

  • jes

    I look my kids in the eye, and say, ‘I have no idea.’ Still in the running for worst parent?

  • http://www.facebook.com/coucoumelle Jeanne Chabot-Baril

    OMG This made me laugh SOOO hard. Eventually, he’s going to have to hear it right though. Don’t let him grow up ignorant about sex and more especially, hormones. My mother read to me from a book when I was, I don’t know, at an age where I was totally uninterested, and it was in one ear and out the other, and then she considered her job done, and had me skip sex education in school, so I really didn’t know much about sex other than what I heard others say and whatever I learned from biology and TV. I had no idea that guys are much different from girls when it comes to hormones. This DID NOT help me when I was in my 20′s.

  • MAGky

    9 yr old doesn’t really need the whole scoop on that stuff esp a boy. I’ve found just saying something like – ” just stuff ladies use for “lady” reasons – has to do with babies…” And then moving on – usually suffices. You can always go back and fill in the blanks when they’re older. Just because they ask doesn’t mean you have to give them a blow by blow description of everything… LOL Most of tv is garbage so we gave it up in 2000 – from what I hear, read and occasionally see (restaurants, etc) about today’s tv – I can only say thank God. Bloody eggs LOL – I’ve had a few memorable moments of wisdom with my 7 – enjoy it goes way too fast! :-)

  • Karen

    Oy. I am very grateful for my husband and the fact that I have all boys. He announced well ahead of time that he would be taking over all of those talks because he feels it’s the dad’s job. I have a very, very squeamish 12 year old, who literally gets dizzy if you merely discuss how a bruise is formed. I kid you not.

    You can’t have done worse than my mom, who decided when I was twelve that I needed to have The Talk about my period, which wouldn’t arrive for two years. She had laryngitis at the time, but for some reason THAT DAY she had to discuss it, and so whenever I think back to that talk I hear Marge Simpson’s sisters talking about the Miracle of Womanhood and The Importance of Hygiene.

    As far as where babies came from she left a book in the bookcase, one that showed a hippy couple in the forest, so for years i thought that if you wanted a baby you had to do the deed in the woods. A bed didn’t work. That jibed with my observations that my parents did not ever go camping and had had no more children after I was born.

  • TheodoreSeeber

    My wife wanted to watch “Look who’s talking” for a family movie. I had forgotten all the s3x scenes in it- and the unplanned pregnancy from a horrific affair that was a part of the movie. I ended up covering his eyes for much of it, but he peaked out during the initial “race to the egg” fertilization scene, and we had to have a frank discussion about sperm and eggs. Five minutes later came the “hey, what’s that third arm growing down there and how am I going to get that into my mouth” scene and we had to have a discussion about THAT as well….I think my special needs boy just got more of a sex education than I ever had at age 9.

  • b.

    Very sweet. Thanks for sharing. Not TMI. You are a good parent. How about, the blood would be there for the baby to plug into and grow, if the egg became a baby, but it won’t because there is no father. Keep it simple.

    • b.

      Oh, what the heck, here is how I would explain it:

      tell him that blood takes food + oxygen around your body, right?

      Inside a mother, a baby gets food + oxygen from the mother’s blood. A cord from the baby’s bellybutton plugs into the mother’s bloodstream to get the food + oxygen. Doesn’t everybody want to breathe? Doesn’t everybody want to eat? So does a baby inside the mother’s body. It is The Most Awesome Baby Breathing And Feeding Device Ever Built. All mammal mothers can do this: cats and dogs and lions and wolves. Females are awesome. Males cannot do this. No compartment for babies. No place to plug in. Poor males.

      Every month: no father = no baby, and your body sheds the old plug with a little bit of blood, and it doesn’t hurt at all.

      With three boys of my own, I find that they really appreciated the most direct biomechanical description possible. It respects them to give them good information that is accurate enough to form the basis of a mature understanding.

  • Finicky Cat

    Darn it, I do WISH we laid eggs! Small ones, like about the size of a goose’s. Then just incubate with a heating pad for nine months – and, voila!

    Pregnant right now…in case you hadn’t guessed.