I don’t always play well with others but at least I give it a try from time to time…

… If you live in or around Charlotte the Mormons are providing area North Carolinians with free entertainment, and you don’t even have to join. I think.

They have over 400 Nativity scenes from all over the world on display and nightly musical performances. Sounds nice. Hopefully it doesn’t have a hidden agenda.

I’ve always been afraid of things like this. Call me religiously intolerant or whatever the phobia name is for people who dislike people from differing religions, but I’ve always had really really bad experiences when I visit churches not my own.

One Christmas I was lured by the live camels and all the twinkling lights to a local Baptist church’s Christmas festival. An hour later I found myself herded into an auditorium where we were locked in and forced to endure altars calls and “healin’s”. I’m freakishly obsessive about being touched and personal space so you can imagine how well I handled a room full of strangers “laying hands” and praying over me. Plainly, I absolutely lost my shit.

Then there was that one summer I took advantage of the community church’s free movies on the lawn Friday evenings. We did have fun but I don’t know how they got my mailing address and phone number. I was hounded relentlessly for two years. TWO years. YEARS. They must train their staff at a Jehovah Witness Center for recruitment. It was unbelievable really.

Then there was the now infamous incident at my cousin’s church where I was chased around the lobby by an elderly woman passing out oyster crackers and calling it “communion”. When I declined explaining to her I was Catholic she held the oyster cracker up in my face and said, in all seriousness, “Oh. Well. Body of Christ, then.”

And finally, and most tragically, I let myself be bested by my own curiosity and visit a church in Cullman Alabama called, I swear, Holiest Tongues of Fire Snake Throwing Church For Christ.

But Mormons don’t snake handle or drink strychnine so I should be ok. Right?

About Katrina Fernandez

Mackerel Snapping Papist

  • TJBurdick

    healin’s… ha! I’m curious though, how did you respond to the oyster cracker scandal… I want details

  • mary martha

    Do NOT give them your contact info. They will hound you until the end of time.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Eugene-Edward-Yeo/1163041810 Eugene Edward Yeo

      Oh, come on now. I find them to be highly entertaining. You just have to make sure that there is a big crucifix hanging there just as you open your door, and know your apologetics. Good can be done there. But Kat, YES. They are trying to convert you and the small child. It’s what they do.

  • Barbara B

    At my sister’s funeral – she’d left Catholicism for Mormonism – my children and I were the only non-Mormons present. There was heavy proselytizing. Talk about feeling uncomfortable…They all knew that we were Catholic, and I wish they’d respected that. They had been a great help to my sister during her final illness, and I had frequent contact with them. I was taken by surprise by the tone at the funeral.

  • Fr. Cory Sticha

    If they do happen to get your address, make sure to invite them in for some beer or wine and have a living room full of statues. Guaranteed to get your address blacklisted.

  • http://twitter.com/byzcathwife priest’s wife

    actually….give your name and you, your family and ancestors could be proxy-baptized.

  • http://www.facebook.com/curtjester Jeff Miller

    Well if a Mormon does harass you, you can always tell them that “I have been to the planet Kolob, and it is not that big a deal.”

  • Nan

    Give them your bar name. And the address of a bar.

  • Shelley

    My husband grew up Baptist (we converted to Catholicism a number of years back) and in his Sunday School classes, you could earn a gold star on a chart for bringing a visitor. But for bringing a Catholic visitor? TWO STARS.

    There was also that time when my mother convinced me that I should bring my daughters and myself to her charismatic evangelical church’s Mother-Daughter Banquet? And at the banquet, there was a group of ladies who wore white gloves and black dresses and did sign language to different “worship choruses.” They were the accompaniment for a man who sang the choruses and did a little preachin’. Surprisingly, his preaching was all about the evils of the Catholic faith. At a Mother-Daughter Banquet. I sat and fumed for about ten minutes of his hate speech, straight from the annals of Jack Chick and Loraine Boettner, and then stood up in a very quiet moment and lost my shit. “COME ON, GIRLS!” I trumpeted to my daughters, who were about 11 and 9 at the time. “WE ARE NOT GOING TO SIT HERE AND CAST OUR PEARLS BEFORE SWINE.” Never went to another blinking banquet at that place again. I do not like going to non-Catholic churches. You can go there trying to mind your own biz and they JUST. WON’T. LET YOU.

  • PattyMoher

    If you really want to freak yourself out, go visit your nearest Church of Scientology. Be sure the leave your wallet at home.


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