Hey look at me, I’m fat…

… This is the post I’ve been meaning to write for years. It’s the post I keep putting off. The post that I’ve convinced myself is silly, self indulgent self pity. No one cares about your dieting up and downs. I mean really, what woman isn’t concerned with their weight and appearance? It’s such a stereotypical thing to write about it, why bother?

Why bother indeed.

Because I need to write about it.

I forgot that I originally started writing this blog for me as an interactive journal. I also forgot that over the course of the years I’ve built very strong friendships through my writings and that as a Catholic community you’ve shown me how much we can really care about each other. That much became evident when I shared my abortion story.

I get emails from time to time from readers who often tell me how my writing has in some way uplifted or positively influenced them, but you probably don’t read too many blogs where the author confesses just how much they emotionally and spiritually gain from their readership.

So I am going to write the post that I’ve avoided all these years because 1) it needs to get out and 2) I need you guys to help me through this.

This is me. The most recent me.

I am the obese one in the red and blue striped shirt.

This is the me that I have avoided acknowledging for so very long. I have avoided this me in photos and in the mirror. I’ve been in terrible denial about how badly my weight has escalated for years now.

This is size 24, 285 lb me.

This is out of breath, always exhausted, bad back me.

This is the me that I intend to change, starting now.

Why am I putting this all out there like this? Because I need to get out of denial quick before it kills me. I need to see those words, “285 lbs”, and really take a good look at myself. My real self. Not the self I imagine to be in my head and not the self I avoid in mirrors.

By hiding my appearance and refusing to acknowledge just how far I’ve let myself go, I haven’t been able to like myself much. It’s just one long cycle of embarrassment and shame and hiding. A cycle that plays itself out in binge eating and fast food drive thrus.

If I finally look at myself, truly see who I am, than I have no where to hide and eat away the self loathing. You guys see I am fat, and I can see I’m fat.

Now hopefully I can move past the denial and shame and get right to the “let’s do something about this” phase.

I don’t want to turn this into a diet blog, but I do want to post weekly updates on my progess – mostly to keep me honest and focused – so you guys can cheer me along the way. Will you do that for me?

I’m on My Fitness Pal as ‘kfebersole’ and if you follow me on facebook or twitter you can send me a “You can do it!” message. I welcome advice, eating tips, recipes, exercises, your favorite websites and apps, and fat jokes. Especially fat jokes. I’ll never make it through this without daily doses of humor.

And if I act more stabb-y than usual it’s just chocolate withdrawal, nothing personal.

What do you say? You wanna join me on this roller coaster?