Backstabbing in Hell

My Dear Dissonance,I received a visit from Our Father’s Secret Police last Friday at midnight. It seems that you have been sharing our letters with them like the good informant I have been training you to be.It took me all weekend to make Detective Tool and Detective Parochial realize that my alleged theological errors were deliberate tests of your character and not mistakes on my part. They were particularly concerned that I bought into the idea that love exists and highlighted numerous … [Read more...]

Starting over and Satan’s favorite retailer

Dear Dissonance,I see why you have not written in a long time. You have nothing good to say!The fact that you start out with the good news of your patient drinking too much only highlights how you like to bury the lede, in your patient’s parlance.She’s getting married! It was only six months ago that you wrote to tell me of her breaking up with her ex boyfriend. Now she is engaged to someone that she just met and is getting married in six months? Couldn’t they have lived together firs … [Read more...]

The big lie about marriage

Dear Dissonance,The week or so long flush of relief your patient now feels from breaking off a relationship that made her unhappy will soon be replaced by anxiety and even better, bitterness.Trust me. With the right prompts, she will be yours again in a matter of weeks. For years she was told that marriage was just another lifestyle choice, and if she wanted it, the right man would magically appear like a personal fulfillment genie, which, of course, is not the case. If she doesn’t meet s … [Read more...]

A Bad breakup

Dear Dissonance,I am horrified to learn that your patient broke up with her boyfriend. What were you thinking taking a vacation during his visit over the holidays? If you knew she was harboring doubts about being with someone who did not share her faith, you needed to be there around the clock to foment anxiety about being alone and starting over in her mid thirties.Instead, you went off to a spa as if your work was a done deal and your patient a sure thing. Most women, when faced with … [Read more...]

Work life imbalance

 Dear Dissonance,I am excited to hear that your patient is losing her job. That her company was sold, with virtually no notice to employees and no severance for her and the vast majority of employees, is even better! That is the best kind of shutdown for us as it maximizes fear and uncertainty in our patients. For three years she devoted her life to her company, foolishly thinking of it as her own, and thought of little else save from the occasional men in her life.During that … [Read more...]

Praise for ‘the Pill’

My Dear Dissonance,You are right to note that birth control, particularly the Pill, has been very beneficial to Our Father. That it still is such a rallying point for millions of women 50 years after it became available is a source of endless satisfaction to those of us who tempt females. It’s like having a permanent monopoly on one aspect of the feminine character.Technically speaking, it divorced sex from children, giving women a false sense of power over biology that has never proven t … [Read more...]

Interfaith = no faith

My Dear Dissonance,What heartening news that your patient is involved with a man who doubts the Enemy’s existence.I love it when two people who are not compatible with one another spend their lives with each other. It generates a host of favorable consequences for us, including diminished happiness for everyone.For not only does it prevent her from fully embracing her faith, but it means they will live separate lives, and if they marry, spawn children who likely will grow up without a … [Read more...]

How to use financial ruin effectively

My Dear Dissonance,It is never acceptable to shirk your duties, no matter the circumstances. You were supposed to send me a report of your work with your patient, citing specific examples of tactics that succeeded and failed.Instead, you sent me an outpouring of emotional psychobabble about your patient’s financial ruin. It was so nonsensical I could swear you were writing from the bar where your patient was drinking. I can tell from your writing that you feel the joy of one reaping the r … [Read more...]