Distract, distract, distract

Dear Dissonance,Is one of Our Father’s web designers in charge of the British Daily Mail’s internet site? It is by far the best personification of our mission to distract, to confuse and to overwhelm.It is impossible, even for your patient who is unfortunately incredibly focused as far as humans go, to visit one of its pages without abandoning the original article she clicked on to peruse the right hand side of all its pages filled with gossip on A to Z list celebrities she cares nothing … [Read more...]

The theology of juice

Dear Dissonance,It was wonderful to hear that your patient is obsessed with her weight, which means she is also obsessed with food and with burning calories.I love it when people can’t enjoy what they eat and instead think of meals purely as nutrient delivery devices. The fact that an exploding number of people are willing to spend $10 for one bottle of green juice and nearly $1000 for a week-long “cleanse” puts a smile on my face. Think of how many of those on such a regimen will be hung … [Read more...]

Tips for undermining prayer

Dear Dissonance,Why are you getting snippy with me? You asked for my advice about prayer and I gave it to you. You cannot expect every tactic to work 100 percent of the time. In addition, I do not enjoy being blamed for your own failures. If you would rather not receive my correspondence, I will delete you from my address list. It’s quite easy to do these days on my tablet computer, which then removes information from all my electronic devices. The fact that I communicate with you in vastly m … [Read more...]

Thank you, depression and ADHD

Dear Dissonance,I am pleased to learn of the hostilities between your patient and her mother and the long-standing nature of them. The more years each side has invested in winning, the less likely either one will want to resolve their differences.You must start to work on her immediately before the Enemy makes the corrosive nature (only in His mind, of course) of their conflict apparent. The last thing you want is her newfound interest in faith to change her behavior. Stay in close touch … [Read more...]

The end of evil

Dear Dissonance,In my haste to write to you I forgot to give you some context on modern churches that should encourage you in your life’s work.Mainline churches are going down the tubes. It isn’t even funny to make fun of snooty country club Episcopalians anymore, for example, because the only ones left are in assisted living. And what used to be known as the protestant Vatican, the National Council of Churches, left its beautiful New York City headquarters overlooking the Hudson River fo … [Read more...]

Our church allies

Dear  Dissonance,I am extremely disappointed that your patient decided to return to the faith after many years with us.You will be punished for this, but it will only make you a better tempter – and prevent a relapse once you reclaim her. Remember, human nature is on our side. She may have decided to recommit to Christ, but she has many bad habits that still shine brightly for Our Father.One of the great assistants in our quest is the church itself. To be clear, I do not mean the gr … [Read more...]

Temptation 101

My Dear Dissonance,I see from reports that your patient has given up literature. She tells herself it is because her job is so filled with reading and writing that she needs a break at home. Excellent! In college she shunned celebrity magazines but now she grabs them in the checkout line. One in particular she justifies because of the intellectual writers and artistic photographs.I would suggest you also get her hooked on what has come to be called house porn. I know from previous … [Read more...]