I walked to Moksha studio this morning, ready and willing, as I approached day 16 of 30 straight days of hot yoga. As I lay on my mat, I connected to the breath, my body on the mat, and the space inside of me. For the first time I moved from the back of the room to the front, resting there, feeling the breath move through the body.
In the silence of the room, our teacher entered, ‘Lets look at our practice as I can, you have a chose on how you experience this practice.” So my intention was set, “I can”. So many days of my life wasted in I can’t, well at least three years ago. Now I find myself in a process of change, it seems to happen every time I am on my mat. Feeling my way through. Today was no different. Living in each pose, relishing the the breath, the pose, and expressing “I can”. Feeling stronger now in my practice. I stood in the front row, and the mirror was right in front of me. I saw myself strong in the pose. It surprised me. Do you ever have moments in your life where someone see’s you, and you think, “Well that can’t be right? ” Well seeing myself in the mirror, I saw my strength, I saw my eyes, I saw my life, and for the very first time. What surprised me was the way I had been thinking about self and now seeing myself, was like seeing two different people.
Here before me was this strong, energized, capable, able, and incredible being; yet for so many years the whispers in my mind had been suggesting otherwise. I remember when I was married, and sitting at the restaurant and two family members gave my daughter a pink cheer leading dress, and suggested that I could wear it too. At the time I was a stay at home dad, busting my hump, working my tail off to take care of our daughter. Now I ask myself, what in the world were they looking at. Were they looking at their own reflections? The parts they were afraid to see, that were pointed out when we sat together. Who knows? But I saw a glimpse of what others see when they see me. Made me smile, have I made mistakes, oh yes, we all have, it is part of growth, part of learning, but today, “I could, I can, I surrender to my bigger self, I trust the breath breathing me”. Does this make sense? To see who you actually are, to really see it. Embrace it.
Maybe this is what love is, beloved looking back itself. I like that. On to day 17….Love you