Day 19: Moksha, Yoga Is Rebellious

So I came into day  19 of 30 straight days of hot yoga at Moksha. Walking in I felt exhausted, tired, and laid down on my mat. Each day that I lay on my mat, it feels like a womb, safe, secure, and a place to be who I am. Without any rules from others, judgments, or needing to get others approval.  It is a place to embrace every aspect of who I am.  Frankly I can let it be.  Teacher Joe is a wonderful guide back inside for many, including myself. I appreciate his guidance, his words, and his music selection.

Off my mat, I realize so  many people have expectations they put on you, in fact I had met a friend earlier in the day, and as I walked into the cafe, one of the employee’s saw me come in and  commented, “Man you look great, what are you doing?”  I said, “30 straight days of hot yoga, I am on day 19 today.” He replied with a smile, “Cool keep it up.”  As I turned to walk away, another woman asked the gentlemen in a whisper, “What is he doing? Oh that sounds horrible.”  I wanted to to turn back and reply, “Your inner voice is speaking out.” But I listened and felt in my body the sensations one feels as a kid, when some other kid announces to the others, “Where did he come from?”

I find that my practice on my mat is life, my life, that there is no difference, as it keeps pointing me inward, as Joe said in class, “The breath can be used in your life when you want to relax, breath deep a couple times, let it relax you.” Today I had moments of wobbling, and strength, and grace, and sweat, and in one funny moment I caught myself in the mirror and said, “Wow I really do you look like Casper the friendly Ghost with my shirt off.”  This practice everyday has become a God send, a gift, because it gives me some sanity in a world pushing me to be like everyone else.  I feel like when one finds the mat, they are ready to experience who they really are, with no BS, no excuses, and in my life, I was tired of running like Forrest Gump, tired of taking things so serious, exhausted with approval, proving, trying to be something, what I have always craved for is knowing who I am, really am. Not the intellectual. Not the label. Not the box people seem to put you in such as, “Oh David divorced”. Or the box I agree to put myself into, to fit in, but to know my BIG SELF.

Today after 19 days of straight yoga, I began to find my strength, I stood on my hands from tree pose on both sides.  A little victory, to say, “Yes world I matter. I can. I am. I will.”  Of course ten minutes later in Shavasana I wept, let it all go, surrendered, done resisting, and laid there in my sweat, my tears, my mat, and laid open.  It was then I wished that I had someone to hold me, so I could be heavy in their arms.  I used to see tears as weakness, but now I see tears as great strength, just like forgiveness. Only the strong can forgive.  Only the strong can love without fear.

Yoga is rebellious because the world is attached to the body, and the mind as identifiers, and yoga says, “This is not who you are, you are not worry, you are more, or rather “amore” love.”  It takes a real rebel to turn from the mind and body and stand in the breath, like a rock, in stillness;  when the world inside of you is telling you otherwise, that is real rebellion.  And as you stand in your breath, on your mat, with sweat, sensations, mind chatter, body positions, and say I accept this as it is, that is rebellious. You can’t hide on your mat, you can’t hide in life.   Yoga is rebellious!  On to day 20….Thanks Joe

David Matthew Brown: Just learning

 


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