Ten Things You Should Never Tell Your Altar Servers

Ten Things You Should Never Tell Your Altar Servers March 14, 2015

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Earlier in the week, Fr Dwight Longenecker published a helpful post “Ten Things You Should Tell Your Altar Servers”. Being a former altar boy, I found the post insightful and informative. But something was missing from his post. I didn’t know what at first, and it took me several days to put my finger on it. Then it occurred to me.

The good Father neglected to include a list of the Ten Things You Should Never Tell Your Altar Servers. I’m on it, though. It’s all good.

Here they are, in no particular order:

10) “Mind saying Mass for me today? You’ve got a pretty good grasp on the rubrics.”

9) “Recruiters from the seminary will be in the stands today, so be on your game, okay guys?”

8) “Recruiters from the convent will be in the stands today, so be on your game, okay girls?”

7) “There’s a special place in Hell for altar servers who make mistakes. No pressure, I’m just sayin’…”

6) “During the homily, go up and down the aisles and make sure no one’s reading the bulletin.”

5) “If you’re gonna use your phone during Mass, at least have it on silent, okay?”

4) “Download the Sanctus Bells app – all you gotta do is tap it during the consecration.”

3) “My goal is to say a twenty-five minute Mass. Don’t crimp my style.”

2) “Don’t mess up. There are plenty of people in the congregation who are ready and willing to take your place.”

1) “Sorry, but you’ve been traded to St. Jeters for a starting thurifer and a 2nd round pick.”

Most likely I overlooked a few, so feel free to add your own to the combox…

Photo credit: by Michael Vitz [GDFL] via Wikimedia Commons


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  • Smithgift

    4) My parish doesn’t have Sanctus bells, but it does have an altar mike. One day Father accidentally put part of the cloth on said mike. Instead of Sanctus bells, we had something that sounded like Sanctus fireworks.

    Which makes me think Sanctus fireworks should be a real thing.