I’d rather be an alcoholic

If I was a drunk, people would get it.

Yes, people get drunks. That’s a problem. It’s not pretty, for sure. Lying there in the gutter, with my hand gripping the neck of a fifth—people understand that, even if they don’t like it. Even better? To be in recovery. Oh, now that’s a magic word. That’s the magic I want. To be considered as one who is dealing with my problem in a responsible way. Bi-polar gets nothing like that.

There is no recovery from bi-polar, and no 12-Step program for coping with the crap that it unleashes on both the unsuspecting and the familiar. Most of the time, there is very little forgiveness for behavior resulting from it, and little understanding. Even with medications, it can be… difficult, to say the least.

Science doesn’t even really get it. Is it a mental illness? A brain dysfunction? A chemical imbalance? All of those things? Or something different entirely? The jury of academe is still out, and while passing a verdict, retains the right to adjust such periodically.

So, like a more irritable Rodney Dangerfield, I get no respect. People don’t understand. I try. I do. Unlike the greater percentage of manic-depressives, I actually take my meds. I don’t care for them, and I’m not entirely sure that the side effects are worth it, but I do take them.

I just feel like if I was an alcoholic in recovery, I’d get a lot more sympathy. I see those movies, with the crying, and the happy endings. I know people who have had hard times, and then got delivered by Jesus. I also know people who have to go to AA meetings several times a week. I’ve seen people relapse, and go to jail. I’ve seen them be sober for years and years with no problems. I realize it’s not easy.

But man, it does seem like they get a lot of slack. They get daily meetings, they get books and lectures and support groups.

They. Get. Rehab.

They even get SONGS ABOUT REHAB!

Amy Winehouse, “Rehab”

[su_youtube url=”http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUmZp8pR1uc”]

I get nothing.

*****

I wrote this last night while cleaning the bathroom in what may be the shortest burst of mania I’ve ever experienced. I was up ’til midnight! There is nothing like learning a new thing (in my case, how to embed video into a blog post) to get the energy flowing. Now, this morning, I got up at 6:15, so maybe it’s not that short a burst.

This is, quite literally, the first writing of any kind (including a grocery list, which is obvious from the state of my fridge) I’ve done in over a month. It wasn’t so much writer’s block as it was writer’s nothing. I could NOT form a complete sentence, let alone a paragraph. I got worried about it enough to check with my doctor, who is in the process of making a referral.

And allergies. OMG. I haven’t had allergies this bad in my life. Usually a fall thing (I remember being embarrassed as a child by sneezing on the first day of school), this year they started in May and haven’t let up for a single day. I can barely make it through typing this sentence without blowing my nose. Another doctor referral may be in the offing, because I’ve tried everything and while Benadryl-type meds work, I cannot be drifting off to sleep all day long. I don’t need to look like a narcoleptic on top of all my other troubles. I can barely keep makeup on, what with all the nose-blowing.

Anyhow, with any luck, and the prayers of my loyal fans (ahem…that would be YOU!), I’ll have a bit more to fill these pages, and your inbox. I wish I could offer you a free printable or some little trinket-y blog thing as a thank-you gift, but… allergies.